A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is fairly straight forward. Is my gym time too much and can it hinder the relationship I am in?I have been in a relationship for one year with a great girlfriend. We do lots of things together on a weekly basis and really enjoy each others company. I'm a very active guy and really don't like to be in the house watching tv etc. I like to go to the gym on a regular basis to lift weights, play racketball and basketball. My girlfriend is no where near as active as me and really doesn't do much while she is in the gym. I try to balance my free time but its becoming a issue for her she say that 10 hours is too much time a week to spend in the gym. All of my other time is spent with her, I dont go drinking with the guys or any of those things and quite honestly she should be grateful since in my opinion that's just opportunity for other things to happen im fully committed to her and want to marry her and have a family. However I also need my gym time. Its my time to workout and catch up with guys I know and I think I have every right to have a life outside of her as ling as it doesnt involve other women...you know that sort of thing. She has gone as far a question my sexual orientation in arguments and I really believe its because she has no life outside of me or wish to invlove herself in any positive activities or hobbies. I fear that she is just putting up with it until she gets what she wants ie babies or married and then try to control me with threats of divorce or child support. I was in the gym when we met but now that we live together its been a problem...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I really wish my husband would spend 10 hours a week in the gym, he could use it!
don't marry this woman, she's already selfishly smothering you now imagine how much worse she will get after marriage because as a wife she will then believe she has the legal authority to control you.
it sounds like you're not compatible anyway. You're an active and social person, and she's not at all. How can this relationship possibly work unless you stop being who you are? Your relationship has only been going on for one year and already it's like this? You can bet that if you marry and start a family with her (which would be unwise to say the least), she will demand that you give up your active lifestyle and she'll use the kids as the justification for it and guilt you and make you feel like you're being a bad husband and father just for being who you are.
I know plenty couples where both people are active and outdoorsy. They spend their free time together in outdoor pursuits like camping, mountaineering, sailing, whatever... they go on active adventures together, and if they have kids, they bring the kids along. See now that's the type of woman you should be looking for as a life partner, not someone who not only doesn't share your interests/passions but also wants to stop you from having them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I don't use the gym, I run and bike and rock climb. I easily exceed 10 hours a week on these activities, and I've been doing this for 20 years.
10 hours a week on exercise/hobby/friends is not excessive at all, it's very balanced and healthy. Your gf is trying to turn you into someone as unhealthy as she is, please don't let her! Everyone needs to have "something" in their life other than work and kids and spouse/partner otherwise it's a mentally unbalanced life.
she's way too dependent on you (or her relationship) to be everything for her. She needs to take responsibility for her own happiness and find her own hobbies and friends. She needs to not revolve her life around you and the relationship because that is very unhealthy; people like her end up destroying their relationships by smothering their partners.
The worst thing you can do is give in to make her shut up and let her run your life because nothing you do will be good enough. Even if you give up your gym time, she'll find something else to complain about, like you work too much or whatnot. Then you'll have to give up your job too, just to stay home with her. Or next she'll say you don't "care" enough, because you don't do this or that. so you see, dont' even get started down that road or trying to appease her.
Tell her you are not giving up your gym time, and she needs to find her own friends and hobbies. Once you start giving in, you are setting a dangerous precedent in the relationship dynamics and it becomes harder and harder to stop giving in.
and yup you are probably right about what she'll be like after marriage. So my advice to you is, dont' marry her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Dump her, she is a controlling person who has no life outside of her relationship and seeks to have 100 % control over her partner.
Truly, 10 hours a week is not a lot for exercise. Furthermore, it's also socialization time with your friends. You should NOT give this up! You had this time for yourself and your friends before you met her, you should not have to give it up for her.
if she doesn't like it, that's a red flag. it means she is controlling, and you do not want to be with someone like that.
why would you even consider marrying and having kids with her, if you're feeling this way about her right now??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): I don't know if you notice the age-group listed above your post. It is given as 41-50. If you were in your early 20's to 35, without a girlfriend; gym-time fills in the lonely hours. I know it might be hard to break old habits.
If you are a professional athlete, or in law enforcement;I'd say 10 hours per week is reasonable.
Over 40, it's close to an obsession. Careful my boy, what are you trying to prove? She must be a few years younger? Slow down stud! That's a lot of wear and tear on your muscles; even if you were 20 years younger.
If there is a mixture of racquetball, basketball, and cardio, it's fine. Careful with too much weight-lifting. Just a fair warning. I stay fit also; but I'm not trying to impress anyone. Are you?
Just kidding.
Back to your issue. When one partner is hyper-active, and the other is slightly introverted and less active; that is somewhat of a mismatch. She has to step-up her game. She wants a hottie with muscles and full of testosterone. It's the price we pay.
She doesn't like the athletic lifestyle you enjoy. So she needs to find something to keep her occupied; so she isn't so dependent on your time. As long as you're being reasonable, that is.
I think it is good for people to get out individually, and be social. You are keeping up your health. You have a circle of friends with similar interests. You have a support-group. The problem is, she doesn't; and that isn't healthy. She has to be encouraged to do it. If she nags you about staying home, encourage to be more socially active. Find a hobby, take classes, or pursue her own interests.
Remember; you did take this woman into your life. It really isn't fair to spend so much free-time away, and not consider some kind of compromise.
It would not kill you to give up a couple of hours at the gym; to share some activities with your girlfriend. You can get her interested in a salsa class; or activity that she'll get the benefit of physical activity; but you can share it with her.
She might love Zumba, it's fun and very active. It will keep her firm, and she'll make a lot of friends. It's like intense dancing. The instructors are usually pretty hot. So they motivate people, and give them something to aspire to.
A friend of mine got his girl to go to Zumba classes. She resisted; because she was ashamed of her big thighs. You should see her now. She always had curves, now she's got abs and the flab melted off. It got her into fitness; but she could have fun while at it. Just a suggestion.
Dude, if you spend so much time at the gym with your buds that your girl questions your orientation, you're spending too much time with your buds. I'm gay, take my word for that.
Here's how you put her on the spot. Suggest that she come up with an activity that you can share together, that still involves fitness and exercise. You'll give up two hours at the gym.
If she can't or won't, then you do it. You'll motivate her to get more into fitness and activity; you'll share time together, and you won't lose any workout time. You might feel silly at first, but it's worth it for her sake.
You should encourage her to get out more. Women who center all their attention on their relationships are usually very insecure. They put a lot of pressure on their mates to keep them company, and feel there's something wrong when they don't want to spend the bulk of their time at home.
I warn people that insecurity kills relationships. Neediness smothers people right out of your life. In your case, you spend a little too much time at the gym for a guy who is in a relationship. Sorry bro, but gotta tell it like it is.
You need to schedule nights out for dinner, dancing, and get her into a health routine that is fun. She gives you everything she can, so you have to give her something too.
Successful relationships require compromise. This is the time you get into practice; if you plan on marriage and a family.
Regarding that issue about your orientation. That comment was inspired by her jealous girlfriends. She knows who you are in the bedroom. You'd better be putting as much effort there, as you put into staying buff. Just saying!
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Compromise if u can. She wants time with u n u want the gym maybe spend extra time at the gym one nite so u can b with her another nite?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I wish I had the willpower to stay 10 hours in the gym, that's great, I do only 5 hours a week, some people knit, some cook, others photograph you like to work out, tell your gf that it is sort of a hobby and she should be less selfish and get over it, provided you still give her time/ attention IMHO you're not spending too much time in the gym at all. what I think is that she's jealous that you may dump her for a gym bunny
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I am a regular gym user myself, I go straight from work and am in there for about 3 hours a night. I love training, passionate about it in fact. Yes in previous relationships girls have commented on my gym use and have suggested that I cut down, which I did. So by cutting down the amount of time I spent in the gym worked for a while but in the end resentment set in and the relationship sort of went on a downward spiral. I realise now that if you are passionate about something you should never stop or cut down on it. Someone who loves you should respect that's what you love doing. Consequently I have met a lovely girl who goes to the gym as much as I do. She goes and does her cardio and I go and push weights, sometimes we do a yoga class together so alls good.
Hope things work out for you, and stick to your 10 hours.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (8 August 2013):
I don't think 10 hours a week in the gym is a lot. I spend about 6-8 hours a week myself. I need it for my mental and physical health. It makes me a better person.
If this was an activity that you just started to dob I would be suspicious. But this is who you are and what you enjoy when you met. It's not like it is a lifestyle change.
Ask her what the real issue is. Maybe she is lonely for your time and attention. If this makes you happy and a better partner she should support you. It takes 2 years to really become one in a home. Be patient with her.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I personally think 10 hours in the gym is a bit excessive to be honest, but that's not really the issue here. The issue is your girlfriend is completely dependant on you and has no life outside of your relationship. Plus the fact she is nasty to you too. Calling you gay because you enjoy the gym is uncalled for, and is designed to hurt you and put you off going. You need to talk to her and explain that she needs to start respecting your interests and encourage her to take up some interests of her own. Just a thought though, and this is not an excuse for her behaviour, if you met her at the gym perhaps she's afraid you'll meet someone else there too? Maybe some reassurance will fix this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2013):
 WOW, how passive-aggressive is she? You spend 10 hour a week in the gym and thus you must be gay?
I don't personally think 10 hours a week is bad at all. I DO think having no "personal" life, no hobbies or friends (on her part) is bad because that means she depends on you 100% for HER happiness and entertainment.
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