A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey there.So my girlfriend had a FWB before we got together (been together for 6 months now). She told me she cut it off when we started seeing eachother. A couple of days ago, I found out that she is texting him, quite heavly (almost on a daily basis). I will say, that I didn't find out through snooping, but just seeing their snapchat streak. I didn't know it was her old FWB before that, since she never mentioned his name before, and never talks about him.It does make me feel bad that they have that much contact for some reason. How should I approach?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): I would not be comfortable with this at all. The fact she is in contact with her (former?) FWB is a big problem in your relationship. 6 months is a very short time to be in a relationship so the good thing is you are not as emotionally invested now as you would be in a year or two, three etc from now having to put up with this third wheel in your apparently exclusive relationship.
It will only get worse I'm afraid. She is hanging onto this guy for some reason. Likely just in case your relationship doesn't work out. Or for an ego boost. She could be more emotionally invested in him than she is letting on; hoping he will commit to her. He has not done that so far as he likely enjoyed the benefits without the commitment. Or she could still be having sex with him or will resume the sex with him. Do you want to be a sitting duck, just waiting for that to happen? You might delude yourself into thinking it won't, anything to convince yourself to stay with her. But having to be the third wheel and compete for her and her attention will drive you up the wall and I am sorry to say, she is setting you up for failure. You will feel anxious and worried all the time. We are not in relationships to compete with past flames and sex buddies. We are in relationships to feel safe and secure and to be the only one.
Your insecurities will get the best of you and you will argue. You will end up looking like the paranoid freak who is imagining the whole thing and appears controlling with trust issues. When in fact she is the one who has caused you to worry with her red flag behaviours. And you will then look less attractive in her eyes. Pushing her to get even closer to him. How can you win?
I suggest cutting your losses. I have been there. And it cost me so much. It cost me my mental health and self worth. I did not love myself enough nor did I want to be alone. I hung onto a guy who had his options open yet kept lying to me and proclaimed his love and commitment to me every time I felt uneasy or saw a clue to the contrary. There were many in hindsight but I was the fool for staying too long, and continuing to enable his bad behaviour. He was happy. He got to act single while I was loyal. And he pretended he loved me. I would not want her to lie to you and tell you she loves you and only sees a future with you while also seeing this FWB guy. Who knows what she is telling him or doing with him? She would be lying and that will not serve your interests well. It would only serve to break your heart.
Also, I think when a woman is able to be a FWB with a guy, it speaks to some extent about her character. I am old fashioned. So, that is something to consider. Maybe she likes the thrill or the escape. Or even the challenge? But maybe she considers a full time relationship or boyfriend not as exciting? Is he a bad boy? Do you want to get stuck with the Mr. Nice Guy label or being treated like a doormat while she salivates for this guy? Won't you worry about how your performance will stack up compared to him? How utterly exhausting to have to worry about every sexual encounter. Trying to outdo him? Worried if you don't measure up she will run back to him? Why should you even have to worry at all? How can you have an intimate sexual connection when you have these fears and worries? They will seep into your sex life and affect performance. You might just build a wall, thus not being as stellar in the bedroom. Perhaps a self fulfilling prophecy to send her on her merry way? Back into his bed? Because you do not want or need that kind of drama or woman who dangles two men in your life?
She told you she ended that relationship when you got together. SHE LIED. She has not ended it. She is continuing this relationship. Which means she is CHEATING on you right now. Even if it is not physical, it definitely is emotional. And if she is not having sex with him already, there is potential for her to do that again. There is no reason, no need, no excuse to be friends with a guy you used to bang when you are in a committed relationship with a boyfriend you LOVE. And to keep it a secret from you just spells trouble I am afraid.
I do not blame you for watching her closely. And for finding out what you did. I am an advocate for pursuing your instincts and gut feeling if you feel a need to. In this case, you felt a need to. And now you are seeing that you are right.
If you confront her, she will deny, minimize or explain it away. She will gaslight. She will continue to say anything so that she can have this guy in her life, and keep you.
Only 6 months in and she has already proven she cannot be trusted. Why would you waste any more time on her? Nobody is worth your peace of mind or mental health. My advice to you is to just leave. I would not give her a chance to explain. You already do not trust her. Just know in your own heart that you would always worry and have to watch your back with her. That is not cool. And not acceptable.
I find it so sad that relationships and people these days are not valued and are easily discarded. Nothing is taken seriously anymore. Especially with young people. Snapchat has definitely encouraged lots and lots of cheating. Not to mention all the other apps out there. I hate technology when it comes to facilitating cheaters.
You are young. Enjoy life. There are lots of other young women out there who have more respect for themselves and others. I advise you not to get serious with this one. You have your whole future ahead. Take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): She is still in love with him and she would dump you and run back to him if she gets the slightest encouragement from him to take her back. My advice to you this relationship will get you nowhere other than pain and heartache so safe yourself that pain and leave her because sooner or later she is going back to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): Maybe she only meant she cut-off the benefits; but apparently not the friendship. Playing with semantics and exploiting technicalities to get around a promise hoists a big red-flag. Of course, you should talk about it; but the fact she secretly maintains regular contact after telling you she ended it presents a credibility issue. Your relationship can only survive if you can trust each-other. They took friendship a step too far. Now the nagging question is, can they separate without ever crossing that line again?
You are in a new relationship; hence, you have to tweak-it, and work-out problems as they arise. You knew about him going-in. Suddenly you accidentally-on-purpose find-out about their continued daily-communication. Somehow you know the frequency of contact without snooping?!! Are you psychic?
You have to tell her that you feel uncomfortable that she stays in such constant contact with a guy she had casual-sex with shortly before you became a committed-couple. Daily-contact makes it more difficult to end intimate ties like being FWBs. You have to distance yourself to allow yourself to disconnect and detach mentally, physically, and emotionally. She may be having difficulty doing that.
If you're serious, it's a necessary requirement to end all prior intimate-connections with other people before you even commit to anybody else. When you lie about it, that's self-incriminating; and a warning you are untrustworthy. Hiding things usually means you are up to no-good!
You have to make sure that you're not simply in a "standby/substitute" relationship; because she couldn't get her FWB to commit to a relationship with her. Why hide anything if it's innocent?
Nobody gets to have their cake and eat too!
You have to make it clear to her that you intentionally and lovingly committed to what you believed to be a monogamous-relationship; and you've given-up contact with all your exes to be with her exclusively. Make it abundantly clear that continuance of your relationship together rests on complete trust, faithfulness, and reciprocity. Nothing less! If she doesn't feel she can give him up for you; then make your decision whether you want to stay. Sticking around knowing there's a wedge between you is a choice. Nobody's forcing you to. If you like drama or threesomes, more power to you! If you don't, then decide if it's worth the trouble.
Insecurity kills relationships. You shouldn't knowingly remain in drama-prone situations; i.e. you're competing with an ex wedged in-between you and your girlfriend. Moreover, whenever your mate can't seem to set trust-inducing boundaries with exes to establish a commitment based on fidelity and good-faith.
Now giving her the benefit of the doubt; your unchecked jealousy, or unmanaged insecurity, is the absolute exception to all that's being said! She is not responsible for your insecurities; you knew he was a friend when you met her. Personally, the minute I found out they had been FWBs, I would have lost all interest. It makes things too complicated. You'll never know when the dividing-wall might be lifted? What happens when we have fallouts and disagreements? How much privacy do we maintain between us that isn't shared with him? That's stuff to be considered before we even think about committing to each-other! Now it's after-the-fact!
Have an adult discussion, and calmly air your concerns. How would she feel were the shoe on the other foot?
Are you also just a friend with benefits??? How can you tell the difference? He's in it as much as you are!
Outright refusal to compromise has to be considered a deal-breaker; or you'll always be suspicious, jealous, and snooping around to make sure she isn't cheating on you. You don't get to choose her friends! You do get to set your boundaries and guidelines on what you can tolerate within or around your relationship. If you knew right from the start that you took issue with their past (or present) connection; you shouldn't have been so quick to jump into a relationship with her! Now you're suspicious, and your insecurities have been set on high-alert!
Now what do you want her to do to resolve the problem? End all contact with him, or make a promise that their relationship is 100% platonic? Will you trust that she will do either?
If you can't trust her, and/or she's flaky when it comes to him. Dump her!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2021):
 Well, you have a couple of options.
1. ASK her how she would feel if you still "chatted" to girls you used to date or gave sex with.
2. Decide if you are OK with this or not. If you are NOT then SHE isn't the one for you. Because it's NOT your job to tell a partner who they can talk to. You can tell a partner that it makes you uncomfortable and that you feel it's disrespectful but that might not make a difference to her as she CLEARLY don't think talking to a guy she used to F around with is odd or inappropriate.
3. You are ONLY 6 month in this relationship. Things about each other that EACH of you may not like is bound to crop up, some minor, some major.
I think it's always GOOD to talk to a partner if there are things you don't like. As long as you don't try and DICTATE how they should be. And as long as you don't DO the same thing SHE is doing (that you don't like). Being honest and open is a good thing. She might not like HEARING that you aren't happy about this, and I think you should consider WHY it is that it makes you feel bad.
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