A
male
age
41-50,
*rentLIves
writes:Well my girlfriend is upset cause her mom doesn't let her take shower without her mom around. She used to have bad seizures. But her seizures are under control with a nerve stimulater. My girlfriend has to wait until her mom is around even though her dad and brothers around And also its not even doctors orders. Her mom went to a convention for 5 days wouldn't let take a shower while she got back. My girlfriend is 33 years old.MY girlfriend cannot drive. Her mom brought up her money, disability and her past experiences. And my girlfriend snapped at her mom. And her mom treats her like a kid and down talk to her. And her mom waits on her hand and foot. Does all the chores and gets no help with her older brothers. Her mom expects too much out of her all the time. Please help us, thanks...
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 p.s. I agree with most of what the anon poster below me wrote about boundaries, perceived risk levels etc. but seizure alert dogs are a dubious concept. There is no scientific proof that a dog can predict when a seizure will occur (unfortunately). I do believe having a pet can be of benefit psychologically and may help reduce the mother's anxieties, but a dog simply cannot save/ prevent your girlfriend from having a seizure.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 August 2013):
OP, this is a tricky one. The mother has spent 33 years protecting her daughter from premature death - epilepsy is life threatening. However, the mother now has to take a step back - her daughter is an adult whose seizures are now, thankfully, well controlled. However, mum is still treating her like a child.
Really, your girlfriend has to stand up to her mother but it's going to be very hard to break this dynamic between them. Perhaps your girlfriends neurologist could help by going over the basics re safety. Having a bath on her own could be fatal but not being allowed to shower alone (therefore no washing for 5 days) is ridiculous.
Mother needs to back off, but it's up to your girlfriend to be an adult and assert boundaries. Some places offer counselling for people with epilepsy - if this is available to your girlfriend, I'd suggest she takes it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): I am so sorry to hear this. I can sympathize a bit because I am in my 40s, married, and my mother still treats me like a child - talks down at me, references things from my childhood as if they just happened yesterday!, criticizes me to other people as if I'm not in the room, even when I am right there...I am not disabled, I am a working professional with 2 advanced degrees but nothing I do ever makes my mom see me as anything more than a 12 year old child. My brother is 10 years older than me, so I am always viewed as the 'child'. Even though she has never treated him the same even when he was younger than I am right now. my mother, like your girlfriend's mother, is ruled by fear and paranoia of catastrophe happening. I believe it is a type of anxiety disorder. you see, some amount of fear and anxiety is good and useful, it's a survival mechanism that keeps us safe and alive. But when this fear and anxiety goes overboard to where it is far removed from reality, then it's not normal but to the anxious person it is and anyone who disagrees has bad judgment in their eyes. hence the overwhelming urge to control their adult children, because their children don't share the same sense of paranoia thus the parent believes the children's sense of judgment is severely lacking and requires the parent to step in and intervene as if they were 5 years old again.your girlfriend's mother probably thinks she's being helpful. Or else she thinks very low of her daughter and believes her daughter cannot do anything right on her own. There's a fine line between the two attitudes!your gf tried to set boundaries and it got shot down. I have experienced that many times with my mother. yet, giving in just leads to being controlled even more because it reinforces the dynamic the controlling parent wants. therefore the only way forward is your gf needs to get away from her mom. it would be best if she could move out of her parents' house and live on her own with or without a hired caretaker or in an assisted living facility if she needs a lot of assistance. Yes this costs money, but it would be worth it if it could be done. Try again to talk to her mom. Propose that your gf being living on her own, is actually safer in the long run than having the mom around 24/7. After all, surely the mother knows she's not going to be around forever to help her daughter? many parents of grown disabled children worry what will happen to their children when they (the parents) die. surely your gf's mom will want to have some peace of mind that after she dies, your gf will be OK, right? So to do that, it's in her best interests for your gf to start figuring out how to be living independently now, than wait until the parents are gone. when the mother was away for 5 days and woudln't let your gf shower on her own, did she anyway? Or did she dutifully wait til her mom returned? Your gf should start breaking the rules because (1) she has the right to since she's an adult (2) if she continually breaks the rules then her mother can see that nothing bad happened and maybe that will lessen her anxiety and need to be in control. However, your gf would have to do this often, not just once or twice in a blue moon or it will only outrage the mother. it has to be a 'new normal' for your gf to ignore her mom and do things on her own. eventually the mother will get exhausted from all her efforts to control which keep failing, then she will back down a bit because she doesn't get to feel 'rewarded' for succeeding in the control attempts.The thing about anxieties and paranoia about catastrophes is that it is all about perceived risk and risk tolerance. We all accept certain levels of risk everyday while deeming others too high to accept. Your gf's mom should realize that it is a risk to drive a car - you could get hit by a truck and killed. It is a risk to walk down the street - you could get struck by lightning, or you could become the victim of a crime. It is even a risk to stay at home - your house could be invaded by armed criminals or a gas leak in the neighbors' house could cause a massive explosion that blows your house up as well, or a tornado could strike. yet, your gf's mom deems these risks as acceptable or unlikely enough to not cause worry. But she feels the idea of your gf showering on her own is "too high a risk." so another thing you can try is lower the perceived risk in her mind. For example, does your gf have one of those bracelet thingies that sends alerts to medical authorities in case of emergency? Many elderly and disabled people who live alone have that as a back up. this could lower the mother's perceived risk and thus make her less be less controlling. Another possibility to lower the perceived risk of your gf living on her own, is for her to get a trained and certified service dog. I have a friend who has one, and I can't say enough what a difference it makes. There are many dogs specifically trained and deployed as seizure-alert dogs. They live with the patient and accompany them almost everywhere 24/7. Public places that don't allow pets will make exceptions for service animals, they have to by law. These dogs are trained to recognize well in advance when their owner is about to have a seizure and to do a number of things: alert the owner so they can take their medication to prevent the seizure, or find another member of the family, or dial 911. These dogs can sense an impending seizure long before the patients themselves are aware of anything. How the dogs do it is still a mystery, some researchers think that the dogs can smell subtle changes in body chemistry. For many disabled people, having a trained service dog has given them their independence and is what allows them to live on their own. When the dog gets old and too tired to go everywhere with the owner all day, they are "retired" from active service and adopted out to live out the rest of their lives as regular family pets, and the disabled person applies for and gets a new younger service dog. Your gf could therefore apply for a service dog - if approved the training organization will teach her everything she needs to know about how to work with the dog and take care of it. Her mom may finally get some peace of mind knowing that there is SOMEONE with your gf who's sole job is to be watching over her 24/7 , and thereby be willing to relinquish some control and be less of a pain when it comes to your gf being more independent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Well you're girlfriends mom needs to cut her some slack and let her have a shower by self. I have a learning disability my self and I get treated like a little kid. people think that just because I have a disability that I can't drive or take a the drivers test. its sounds like to her mom is a cling on and needs to back off and let her have a shower. and her mom making her to all of the chore with no help is mean and rude. if I were you guys I would stand up to her and stay and say mom I am 33 years old I can stand on my own two feet and my seizures are fine as long as I take my meds. I don't need to invade my space all the time and when I shower please just leave alone and let me think for my self and let do my own things. If I need you're I will ask for it. so please give respect. I give you respect why can't you give me respect. so I totally understand wear you guys are coming from. if her seizures are helped with meds and the doctor said she is fine then her mom needs to back off and let her be.
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