A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,The other day my girlfriend had a few drinks and on the way home started going on about how she thinks she's pregnant. She hadn't done a test and was purely going off her breasts being tender and feeling "weird" plus she rambles when she's had a drink so I kind of ignored it. Fast forward to 3 days later and there literally blood pouring out of her vagina. So we go to the doctors and she's had a miscarriage. We weren't planning on having a baby. She's on birth control and religiously takes it but she's gutted and I'm struggling to understand. I'm not trying to sound heartless honestly I want to help her but we never knew about the baby. We weren't wanting a baby yet and I don't feel upset? Am I supposed to?I'm really worried about her. She's blaming herself for having a few drinks. She's really upset and miserable and she won't talk to me. She won't talk to anyone. She's kicking herself and I don't know how to help her. Please can someone help me? I love her to pieces and I want her to be okay
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 October 2017):
 Don't feel bad because you don't feel upset, as you said it was unexpected. However your girlfriend is feeling down at the moment, there is hormones travelling around her body and she is blaming herself for the miscarriage. I know you didn't plan on the baby and you didn't know about it, but its her body and she feels responsible. All you can do is be there for her if she needs to talk, be supportive and listen to her. Don't judge her and tell her it is okay to grieve.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 October 2017):
 It's pretty normal for the woman to feel it's her fault she miscarried. Having a drink or two wasn't what made it happen.
1 in 4 KNOWN pregnancies (where the mother KNOWS for sure she is pregnant) result in miscarriages. 85% of these happens within the first trimester (first 3 months). Many other mothers don't know they were pregnant until they had the miscarriage.
So they ARE actually very common.
I've had 2 miscarriages. One in my 20's and one in my 30's. But I also have 3 healthy kids (all teens now).
If she was on birth control it's likely the reason for the miscarriage.
She should talk to her doctor and consider finding a forum or support group for women who have gone through it. It helps to talk about it.
Which means even if you can't really understand her guilt and sadness please LISTEN to her when she needs to talk about it.
It's OK that you don't quite "get" why she feels all these things it didn't happen IN your body. She got a SURGE of hormones and it was HER body that went through it.
My advice is for you two to STICK to using birth control. She might even want to switch the TYPE of BC. Maybe even add condoms. At least until you are BOTH ready for a baby.
She might WANT to try asap, I suggest you don't.
Give her a hug. (or many hugs)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 October 2017):
 The drinks didn't cause the miscarriage. Miscarriages are, sadly, very common. Roughly half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, although some are so early the pregnancy wasn't detected, and the bleeding mistaken for the regular period bleeding.
Your girlfriend should talk to the doctor about this, to get a deeper understanding of how common a miscarriage actually is, and that the few drinks she had one that one particular day was most likely not to blame for the miscarriage. In fact, her birth control pills were more dangerous. Or her not eating enough greens could have been the reason for the miscarriage. Or those extra cups of coffee. She wasn't aware of the pregnancy, and you weren't planning to get pregnant, so how was she supposed to know?
She should talk to her doctor about it. I also recommend joining an online forum for those planning to conceive. In those forums, you will find sub-forums for those who miscarried. Talking about it helps.
And, as a little tip for you to save your relationship: show the utmost amount of empathy for the right now. She needs to know you understand her pain and feel with her in this loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): It's not about you or your feelings; it's about what she's going through right now. She can't say for certain that one night of drinking caused a miscarriage; there are a number of things that could be the cause.
It only recently happened, and this is all a shock to both of you. Men often don't react as emotionally; but because this was all so sudden, your emotional-responses may simply be delayed. To say you're relieved would be both selfish and calloused. So be that the case; please keep it to yourself.
You are concerned about her, at least; but until you realize exactly what has happened, you might not yet feel any grief.
She's not ready to talk, and for something like this; it might be better for her to speak to an older female. I'm surprised the doctor didn't recommend counseling after her miscarriage; many hospitals offer bereavement support to patients and their partners on the spot. Not sure about hospital policies in the UK. You shouldn't have to ask; it should have been offered as extended-care.
Have her contact the hospital and get counseling; she's not going to make any sense nor handle this well until she is consoled and counseled by someone experienced and trained to assist people who have experienced such a loss. You should attend with her; you haven't had the opportunity to grasp the serious nature of this kind of loss for a woman.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 October 2017):
 First of all, I think you need to use condoms from now on, to avoid another accidental pregnancy.
Secondly, you feel how you feel and she feels how she feels. Both are totally okay. Your reaction is normal because you weren't expecting it, weren't ready yet, didn't see it as a baby yet (it wasn't), etc. However, she feels the way she does because it's her body, she feels responsible, she had inklings she may be pregnant, etc.
You need to give her time. If she doesn't pick up in the next few weeks, suggest counselling to help her through her feelings. Other than that, use more precautions when having sex, but don't expect things from her for a while.
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