A
male
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*upa-k
writes:My relationship with my girlfriend is in so many ways perfect. But it really frustrates me that she just will not stand up for herself to anyone. She is being bullied at work, and also by her parents who seem to have done everything possible to destroy her self-confidence, and it is just getting me down. I'm also worried that my own attempts to get her to stand up for herself will push her further away, because it flies in the face of what the easy option is - namely to go along with what her parents would find acceptable for her, to roll over and die and play the victim. But I'm losing respect for her over this - help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): Your gf has to recognize her rights are being denied and it will continue until she decides to correct the situation. She is cheating herself and will continue to lose self-respect because she's being dominated and can't change things. She has to realize where changes are needed and needs to believe in herself and her rights.
But rather than getting frustrated with her...you could help her to understand that there is helpful resources out there to help her overcome her timidity and her compliance nature. Get her into "assertive training" courses and go with her as a show of support and encouragement.
"Assertive training" will teach her that she should insist on being treated fairly; she can stand up for her rights without violating the rights of others. This means tactfully, justly, and effectively expressing her preferences, needs, opinions and feelings..without feeling guilt and shame for doing so.
Don't disrespect her-she's getting enough of that from her parents..the very people that should've raised her to be a strong, independant woman. They had her in their home for many years. It sounds like she was treated highly unfairly - the shaming and criticising of her-made her who she is today. I call that abuse, don't you? And when there is abuse-there is a victim and unfortunately, your gf was really victimized. So instead of disrespecting her-try to help her empower her own life and allow her to heal. Don't blame her...just support and love her. She needs that now, more than anything.
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