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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 16 and dating a 44-year-old woman. My dad said "If it makes you happy son, go for it" but my mum is furious and only a few close friends are happy for me.What problems could our relationship face?Jason (16)from Manchester, UK Reply to this Question
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male
reader, smarty045  +, writes (2 February 2010):
the thing is thet you are 16 and she is 44 she is beating you by 28 years. she had live 28 years more than you, you never know who she gave sex to, you are innocent and your mind tells you it feels good, but remenber you and her are commiting sin. theres another problen she could face, she might get in trouble and go prison, because she is like raping you, if you ever had sex with her. i know how it feels, i pass by your age, i used to prefer older girls than me, now im 18, and i still check on older people than me. so be safe, if you have sex with her always use comdom
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Jason-I have some very strong viewpoints on your posting and perhaps some will disagree with me, and that's okay. Everyone is entitled to voice their own thoughts and viewpoints in this forum and it will be interesting to hear what others have to say. I can relate to your Mother's distress over this. I feel your Father is being somewhat irresponsible not advising you properly on this issue. I have some thoughts to share and you can take what you want from what I say. You are being taken advantage of-I don't care how mature you think you are. So before you go into this relationship, make an informed choice for yourself. You are likely a nice guy and typical of teen guys, in that sex/love with an older woman likely seems quite "fascinating". I am concerned though, that you may be "biting off more than you can chew here"-meaning the emotional risks will be high and you could get deeply hurt.
Teens are still in the process of growing and as an adult woman, she has to refrain from sexualizing other people's children And this is likely why your Mother is deeply hurt over this. Your Father, however..is viewing this as "your passage into manhood" without realizing the future severe, emotional fallout you could suffer from being manipulated and hurt. He's not thinking clearly & sensibly, about your feelings, in all this. People can "fall in love" with all kinds of inappropriate people. But loving someone does not mean they should act on their feelings or that if they were to act on them, they would be happy. Many young guys fall for older women because they feel insecure and an older woman makes them feel better about themselves. However, insecurity is normal in young people-it gradually lessens and you can handle it better as you learn through a variety of experiences. If you shelter yourself by being with someone who makes you feel more secure, you don't get to experience the things that actually help you grow up, like being in awkward situations and then learning that you can get through them and be fine. You may think it feels great to be with an older woman because she "appears" to be more secure with herself, but women that are mature and secure usually go for men their own age. The truth of it is..this lady may have emotional problems and does not uphold much value in herself. If she did, she'd likely want the challenge of pursuing a relationship with an adult male who was her peer and could offer her a more eqully solid relationship. It could be that she's come out of an "abusive", very unhappy, relationship with a man who was her own age or older. It could be she was treated like dirt, ignored and never had free will or 'voice or say' to be herself, to speak up. She might feel vulnerable and in need of affection in her life. Woman in this mindset, will sense the teen guy has a crush on her, she'll be drawn to this and her natural ethics won't kick in. With a young, inexperienced teenager, the woman usually becomes the centre of his world-she'll love this because she craves that attention. She's only concerned about control and taking. And once the relationship turns "sexual" he'll become very smitten and captivated with her.
Because of the intensity and the adult nature of this relationship, you will feel grown-up", more powerful than your peers who date girls their own age. You may like the fact that an adult woman sees you as an "equal." But this kind of equality, the equality of human worth, does not mean that you are equally equipped to enter into a sexual relationship with a much older woman. She'll like this relationship because it's less work & much less complicated than adult relationships because 'you' won't have learnt the hurtful mind games the older guys play. After sex comes into the relationship, you will want more and she's will feel empowered.. She may not recognize it herself, but she coercing and manipulating you-because your fascination with her will feed her sense of value. She is simply an older, wiser very emotionally needy woman who wants control..much like a parenting-role but with a sexual overtone thrown in. Do you feel you could be in a "unequal" off balanced relationship..where much of the decisions of what to do, where to go, etc, will be left up to her. Her goal will be to make you feel like an active, empowered, equal, desired subject-when in fact, she will be only viewing you as an object. You will have no 'voice' in this relationship. How will your "inner feelings' play out, in a couple years when you mature more & begin to realize how much she used you. You need to know that you can bring more to the table than your youth & sexuality. You need to be respected as a complete, equal peer by this woman. Do you think this will be possible? This will be a truth you'll learn eventually, and almost certainly not without great pain to your heart. So please, tread very carefully and give this relationship a great deal of thought. I wish you the best and please rethink this. Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): that is a big age gap! your mum is just worried that you will gwt hurt, talk to her! you probably dont have much in common and what about having kids. you wont be able to have any. 16 is young to be in a relationship. my honest advice is find someone your own age. but be happy! if she really is what you want, nothing can stop love! but be prepared for it! you will have alot of problems, if you really are meant to be, you will work them out. hope i helped xxxx
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