A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been seeing a girl for around 6 months now. We met at a works do and after a few drinks we got closer and we got very close to sleeping together. I'd never slept with someone in a situation like that so backed off - even though she made it obvious she was prepare to have sex. Anyway, we continued to get closer and enjoued spending time with each other... started seeing each other etc.Then out of the blue she started telling me about her previous 'conquests'... a number of one night stands including sex on a beach with a guy she met in a club on a hen night. Needless to say, all this cut me up. And six months on, the images still keep hurting me - giving a guy oral sex on a beach is way too much for my head to cope with. I get incredibly low. Trust is a major issue with me as well. She tried to cover up the number of partners and changed the number to protect me. And she told me that she faked orgasms with all her previous partners (and regarded herself as "pretty good at faking"). Admitted to doing the same with me. I don't 100% belief that she's being honest with me now, even though she promises that she is. I do love her and i know i mean everything to her, but i have real problems with believing her and also the images that SHE has put in my head.Can anyone offer any advice? Should I split, or try to battle on?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 February 2007):
 I agree with Dr Pete. It sounds like you have the wrong councilor for this issue: you need someone with at least a degree of empathy for what you are experiencing. A one night stand does not qualify as a relationship in any meaningful way, a 'relationship' is something that takes time and is about building a real connection with someone.
Look for another councilor.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): What a very unhelpful comment that the counsellor made. I would suggest you try another one.
I also think you need to go alone, this is your issue, not your girlfriends.
If she, and only she, feels she has some issues to work through from her past then she needs to deal with that privately because it would most likely be linked to self-esteem and other problems- certainly not something she should be discussing with you sat there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought i'd give an update on this. We had our first counsilling session together to try to get over this stuff. The counsillor was a qualified 'sexual problem' expert but she just made me angry with some of the stuff she was saying: "there are no such things as one night stands, they are just relationships that don't last through to the next day". Arrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!
Not sure what to do next. Go see her again, or find another counsillor. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's the time thing that is cutting me up too... I really don't want to still be going through these feelings in 6 months time (or even 1 months time, for that matter!). But I'm struggling to let go because i love her, yet it's hurting me so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally good responses, thanks. By her own admission, she lacked good judgement. If things don't work out then i truly hope that she learns one thing from this: not to divulge that kind of information on a partner - especially one like me, that has a fragile mind!!
I've never had a problem with two of her sexual partners and that past. They were based on loving relationships. It's the one nighters that i can't handle.
Dr Pete asked if i wished that i'd had that kind of experience with a girl... the answer is definitely not. My personal opinion is that I only want to have sex with someone that i care about and have feelings for. While I'm not niaive enough to think that everyone feels this way, i would like my long term partner to share the same viewpoint and dislike of one night stands. There are plenty of women who DO share that view.
I guess my problem is that I fell in love with someone BEFORE she told me about this stuff. Maybe I should issue a questionnaire in future: "have you ever had a one night stand?".
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): I agree with Yos on this, dear. Will you ever be able to work it through? It's hard to say. I still question her maturity and motives for telling you all this in the first place. Spicing up a relationship can involve making your own fantasies together...or watching a sexy movie together..ore reading some erotic literature..together. There are many ways that this could have been done. She lacked good judgement. Hopefully she learned something from this..I feel for her and you, both. For you because, you feel/hurt lost and for her..because she doesn't know that a guy will love her, for her own merits and qualities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): She told you, I believe, because it is something she thought you would want to hear. You are probably the first guy she has had a relationship with who does not want to see her in the way she is presenting herself as being. The way she initially spoken is an indication that girls often do things to please guys. That is just the way things are.
Do you think an element of the pain you are feeling is because you have never been that guy, the kind to get a blow-job off a random girl you just met on a beach?
Your inexperience could be causing you to feel the way you are feeling. Hard to admit... but could be true? You know, it would be a shame to destroy a relationship because of the feelings you are having. She could be the most loving, committed and dedicated women you will meet. You might end things and end up meeting someone who hasn't got that past but who doesn't truly appreciate what love is. Your girlfriend now knows the difference between sex and love. Ask yourself, honestly, do you, really? Because if you don't nip this in the bud, she is now mature enough to find someone else who will love her for who she is now, not despise her for who she used to be.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (25 January 2007):
"A friend of mine has told me that I'll struggle to get this stuff out of my head, even with the help of counselling."
Yes that is true. It is possible, but you have to really want to and even then it will likely take a long time. If you really like her and think you two have the potential to be great together then consider it. Otherwise I'd recommend splitting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess her motives were that she thought it would add to the magic of our relationship.
A friend of mine has told me that I'll struggle to get this stuff out of my head, even with the help of counselling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Do you just move on? I don't know. That depends totally on your ability to forget. Do you have the strength, the willpower to do this? It's all in your hands now, dear.
I am sure she has a lot of huge regrets for doing this to you. But your counselor made a good point. When a woman does such an uncaring thing to another-you do have to question her own motives for doing this. If you can't forget, you would be better off finding someone who shares your worldview and values. Just remember, most of us have pasts. Some more colorful than others. But the true mark of maturity is how we deal with that past, when entering into new relatioships. We do not intentionally hurt others by regaling the details. Details are so darned unecessary. Good luck, dear and I hope you find some peace and resolve over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks 'Irish49'. We've tried talking about it so many times. She says she wants to stop dragging it up because it hurts her because she wants to forget about her past.She knows how much it has hurt me by telling me all the juicy detail, but just wants me to concentrate on the here and now, and hopefully our future.
Sounds easy. We went to the coast at the weekend. She wanted us to go for a walk along the beach and i just couldnt do it. So painful is the imagery that she's put in my head of that one night stand/BJ on the beach.
She knew exactly what was wrong with me straight away and regrets the hurt she's caused and wants to take it away but we don't know how.
I've had six months of trying to block it out. I;ve seen a councillor who suggested that she might not be the one for me... Do i just move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): think when we meet a new person who is good for us, none of us need to hear about past exploits. It's quite apparent, you and she are at different levels of emotional maturity, here. It's seems she's the less secure, immature person in this relationship. Knowing about her sexual experiences in the past, was not necessary for you to hear. I strongly believe what is in the past..should be left there. There are general things that can be discussed. eg: Some people give a number and express how a past relationship made them feel, etc. There are issues of health reasons, (std's) that may need to be discussed, in the beginning but livid, details are so unnecessary. And you need to be honest, open and tell her that. But you do have to ask why she didn't feel secure enough with you...to leave just leave this info in the past without all these details. It sounds like she loves you very much but her lack of self-esteem and the value she places on herself, is predominant in the way she's behaving. Some women fear the risks of relationships and being hurt. They make the mistake of regaling in past exploits. It sounds that In a skewed way, she's letting you know, that she's special (even if she just thinks it's for her BJ skills) I am sure she brings many more other good qualities, traits, goals and aspirations, to the table. By going on about her sexual expertise tells me that her fears, insecurities are showing which is causing this manipulative behavior and it's turning into a big, hurtful mind game. All this has caused is uncertain feelings and self-doubt in you. Why not just speak with her, lovingly and calmly. Tell her exactly what hearing about all this has done to you. If you can be strong and you know you love her, irregardless, you can head this relationship in a healthy, more functional direction. Stay the course and be strong, you can over come this, with time and understanding. But let her know what she risks losing in the future, if she keeps this behavior up. Set some boundaries about what you do and do not want to hear. Trust is foundational and she needs to know, that building it requires her to be mature and secure with who she truly is. Tell her she doesn't need to tell you this stuff..that you take her as is.If however, she keeps this up, you may have to rethink how being in this relationship is unhealthy for you and what it's doing to your sense trust, safety and comfort.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the links. I just wish she hadn't tried to impress me by telling me about the oral sex and stuff on the beach and other one night stands. She thought it would excite me but it makes me sick.
Just wish i could erase those images out of my head.
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A
female
reader, x..HelpfulWun..x +, writes (24 January 2007):
 She is open to you, that obviously means she likes you..and doesnt look at you as a one night stand.
yes having sex on a beech may come to you as a upset but think about it..
she basically said 'im a diferent women, forget about the past'
why dont you ?
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 January 2007):
This question comes up a lot. Have a read of some of the previous responses and if you have any further questions post again here.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/obsessed-with-my-girlfriends-sexual-history-should-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-wants-to-know-everything-about-my-past.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/before-me-my-wife-had-a-real-wild.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-loved-her-but-her-past-bugged-me.html
There are more if you use the search function on this site.
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