A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have mostly identified as bi, but have not slept with a woman until last summer. Previously I was very unhappy with my bf, mostly coming from sexual differences (I like kissing and need touch to feel loved, for him "sex" equals "intercourse", which left me mostly cold).For whatever reasons I have slept with a few men in my life, some of which were pleasant some not so much, but not even with my bf could I get the felling that it is the "real thing". I was alone somewhere in my head and felt even with bf who I loved that the stuff we did was only a better quality ONS.So the only time I felt that I actually connected to someone and that my mind and body were one thing was that experience with this girl. With a man, however sincere and straightforward the sex was, I always felt that I am not inhabiting my body 100%.After that experience I felt like all the pieces came together.So, since then I identify as gay, because I don't like both sexes equally, I prefer women and desire to form a relationship with a woman even though I have a "heterosexual"past, (not to mention the fact that as a child and teen I was fantasizing about women only and had to "convince" myself to get turned on by men).This is enough for me, I don't have a big desire to prove to the world that I am gay and to run around clubs and pick up women or adopt particularly dykey style, there are other things more worth the effort.But it hurts that my ex-bf, with whom I am sharing a place at the moment (and we DO NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX), doesn't seem to take me seriously. I came out openly as gay/preferring women to a few people and around that time my ex and I were chatting to a lesbian couple. Later he said the "they didn't think I was a "real" lesbian". Well sod them, if they thought that, which I doubt, because I know that I have not had enough contact with lesbian culture (as opposed to male gay) to know all the cultural codes. It doesn't change a bit how I feel.I never looked straight and never acted straight, but somehow, now when I finally come to understand who I am and what I want, I am not believed.I said to a male friend of mine: "I came to understand that I prefer women" and his response was "no you are not gay, you can love a person overlooking their gender". Which is what I though too, a few years back, but having been in a relationship with a man and having experienced "both sides of the fence" I can now say that I don't dislike men in anyway, but PREFER women and am MORE COMPATIBLE with them.Why do my two male friends have difficulties in accepting the truth about me and go as far as denying it! Who are they to deny my experience? It almost feels as if they cannot stand the thought of a woman who doesn't want to be with a man, even when she is a friend. My ex thinks that I have hung-ups on men and thats why "I went lesbian", which totally denies the real reason. I didn't "go lesbian" I was one all along but didn't know myself well enough.Any reason how to deal with this? It hurts when for once I manage to be open to people and let my true feelings out, and they instead of sharing my happiness, deny its existence!
View related questions:
kissing, lesbian, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): You know what, who cares what they think? they may be a bit homophobic or don't believe attractive women can be lesbians. Either way, you should stop caring what other poeple think. Just live your life and if they start judging you for that, re think your friends.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): They know you have had a boyfriend and to many that makes them think you must at the very least be bisexual and therefore not gay. I understand you're not, but that is probably where their logic is coming from.
Maybe don't get so into it with people explaining. Just say you a gay, full stop! No need to elaborate on what went on and what you worked out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 February 2009):
The reason they don't understand is that they are men.
Deep down they KNOW that us girls will only ever really be satisfied by a big penis like theirs and that you are really only going Lesbo because you've recently lost your boyfriend. Also... how can you be a lesbian when you are not butch, do not play rugby, or wear denim dungarees or have short bleached hair or facial piercings????
And if you believe any of that then you are just as stupid as them.
A lot of girls will say they are Bi either because it will turn their man on or it just gives them a sense of mystery. Bi people in general also have a pretty bad reputation for cheating etc. It's not much respected by straight people or by gay people.
In truth, there are more than 3 options of gay straight or bi - it's a whole spectrum of colours. You are bi but like girls more than guys. I'm Bi but like guys more than girls.
Your friends just can't understand that because they are MEN and 100% STRAIGHT and NOTHING ELSE.
What I suggest for you is to accept that some people will just not accept your sexuality straight away and that is their problem not yours. Carry on exactly as you are!
You are doing fine and you don't have to conform to what anyone else thinks. Do what feels right and when you get a girlfriend and your friends see how happy you are then they might actually consider that you might have been right.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
