A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm in a sticky situation!Straight to the point, I started university 18 months ago and quickly became good friends with a girl on my course. Since then we have been like best friends, we clicked instantly. She happens to be a girl that tends to sleep around, a lot. Obviously as her friend I accept her for this, shes a lovely friend and wouldn't do it sober. Her problem is once she's had a drink her standards disappear.Anyway recently I met a guy out and we clicked. We've been speaking for about 2/3 months and he's told me that he would quite like a relationship, depending on how things go getting to know each other. Which is so far so goodHowever, when I showed his picture to my friend it turns out she had a one night stand with him around 7 months ago, she said they were both drunk and it didn't mean anything. That they haven't spoken since unless in passing, she said he was a lovely boy and basically she was happy I was speaking to him. Aslong as I wasn't bothered that they had had this one night stand. The problem being is that my friend told me that she's pretty much 100% certain that she gave him chlamydia. A boy that she slept with before him contacted her to say he had chlamydia, and she had slept with the guy that I'm talking to not long after without protection. When she got tested she did also have chlamydia and has been treated.She is refusing point blank to inform any of the boys that she has slept with after she contracted chlamydia that she has possibly given them this Sti. We've had our first argument over this, and she has basically said that it is not my place to tell them she had an Sti. Which I do agree, it is not my place to have to tell boys that she has given them chlamydia. She also said that if I tell this boy that she had chlamydia then basically the friendship is over. As this friendship between me and the boy is progressing I'm getting more nervous on how to broach the subject. I have recently come out of a 4 year relationship and have been tested to be on the safe side and the results came back as clear. Things are heating up between us but I don't know how he is going to take being told that I want him to getting checked out.How shall I broach the subject with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Explain that because you and he have both have had sexual partners in the past that you want both of you to get tested prior to intercourse. its a position of trust and you are doing it as a sign of respect for each other. I've always laid down this rule with any new potential bf that i have had and I don't see it as an unreasonable request. hes admitted he has had one night stands so that would also be justifiable. has he been tested he may have done discreetly you dont know. Just ask him
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (11 October 2013):
 Honestly? I wouldn't beat around the bush at all with this. Why should you have to make up some story as to why he needs to get tested? Tell him the truth. If he's with you then it doesn't matter if he thinks this friend of yours passes STIs around or not - she shouldn't be on his list of potential hookups anymore anyway.
Your friend's attitude toward the situation is not right and it's not cool. Chlamydia can present without symptoms (meaning that if someone doesn't happen to get tested, they can have it unknowingly for a very long time) and it can have some truly terrifying consequences for a woman's health, including infertility. That's a pretty big decision for your friend to be making for future girls who may sleep with the same guys she did, don't you think?
I don't judge her in the slightest for having multiple partners but if she's going to make adult decisions, even drunk ones, she needs to accept the adult consequences that may potentially accompany those decisions, including letting her partners know she could have infected them. Sure she's going to be mad if you tell THIS partner for her, but you are protecting your own health and his by doing so.
I'll take it one step further and say that if I had a "friend" who showed such little respect for the health of other people and so little willingness to accept responsibility for his/her own choices, I'd tell his/her past partners myself and consider the friendship over. If (s)he's willing to lie to them by omission to protect her own image, what might (s)he be lying to me about? No thanks.
Good luck with this.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 October 2013):
 You are correct in that it's her place to inform sexual partners she may be infected. But since she isn't doing that, then it is absolutely within your right to tell him yourself, if you know the person well and you're planning to sleep with him yourself.
So instead of getting into a discussion or a debate with your friend, you simply give her a deadline in which to break the news herself and warn her that if she doesn't, you will. Then leave it at that. Do not get sucked into any further discussion.
This is not something that needs to be explained (to her I mean). Any reasonable and courteous person would have done the right thing voluntarily and in a timely fashion.
I'd seriously re-evaluate this friendship if I were you. The woman is not a quality person so she can't be a quality friend. Continued association with this kind of person is really an endorsement of their behaviour. As far as others are concerned you must be like her or approve of what she does to continue keeping her as a friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Tell him you take yours and his health seriously and since you both have had prior sexual relationship you think it's a good idea to get tested.
I will also agree with ALWAYS use a condom, however condom doesn't protect from everything like HPV - so if you haven't gotten the HPV vaccine, do it now.
Your friend is disgusting ( I have no other word for it) for not contacting and telling the guy she slept with that she was told a partner of hers had Chlamydia. She can't know 100% sure that she GAVE it to this guy, but YOU need to be on the safe side, so yes - tell him you can't enter a sexual relationship til you are both tested and coming back clean.
My favorite aunt can't have children due to having had Chlamydia and not finding out before it was too late. THAT is what your FRIEND is potentially doing to OTHER women. I'm sure SHE got checked and cured, right?
TAKE responsibility for your health - that includes your sexual health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Tell him before you do anything sexual you want for both of you to get tested just to be on the safe side. If he says that he has been tested, ask him to do it again for you peace of mind. In this day of age asking someone to be tested is not a big thing. Personally I think it is something that everything should do when they first get together.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 October 2013):
How about you suggest you both go to the clinic!
I know you said you've already been checked, but heck, it's free at some places. That way you're not just telling him you want him to get checked and he hears something like, "I think you might be dirty, so get checked." That way you're both going and putting yourself out there too without ratting out your friend.
HOWEVER, I do question the integrity of your friend if she's one of those people that spreads a disease and doesn't bother to tell people that she's slept with that she gave them something. I personally think that's pretty messed up. I've contracted it before and one of the first things I did was tell the guy I passed it on to that I gave it to him. Yes, it was embarrassing and I cried like a baby, but he was way cool about it and thanked me for telling him. So, what I'm trying to say is that I personally, would have no problem telling him that he probably has chlamydia and he can figure out how he got it. But of course, that's me and this is up to you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 It is common curtesy to get tested before entering a new sexual relationship. Just tell him you want him to get tested before you have sex, and you will get tested as well. Or just ask him casually when his last check-up was. You will just have to take his word for it. If you arebt going to ask him, then always use condoms. Btw, asking to get checked up shows you care about your health and his. It just makes you a responsible perso., and you should get tested (both you and a new partner) as a rule, not just when you suspect anything.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 October 2013):
It is common curtesy to get tested before entering a new sexual relationship. Just tell him you want him to get tested before you have sex, and you will get tested as well. Or just ask him casually when his last check-up was. You will just have to take his word for it. If you arebt going to ask him, then always use condoms. Btw, asking to get checked up shows you care about your health and his. It just makes you a responsible perso., and you should get tested (both you and a new partner) as a rule, not just when you suspect anything.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 October 2013):
 You stand your ground as a strong, responsible modern woman.Don't matter the man's history... You have the RIGHT, to demand that he's clean so you can be safeIf you have sex without a condom, you always risk your life. The prettiest, cleanest guy could be riddled with HIV and AIDS. No sex is worth you dying early... Ever heard of "NO GLOVE.. NO LOVE"If you choose to do without condoms, or are not sure of your sex partner, then you demand a bloody STD test. Not asking for such things, leaves you at risk from infertility and no children (chlamydia), infectious sores (herpes), illness and death (AIDS)For me, no man is worth that, and sex aint that important. Condom's always or otherwise go to the doctors and bring back test papers.. Stuff the embarrassment, the risks are far too great.NB: No need to mention your friend.. just tell him your paranoid and extra sex safe because anything else is stupid. If he won't or can't protect you, then he's an ass, and I'd dump him as fast as possible.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Yes you are in a sticky situation! However If I was in your shoes I wouldn't upset your friend or this new guy.
Like she says its between her and the men she slept with. Both have responsibility.
You can tell this guy that before things can progress between you both you'd like him to go to a clinic and check for any sti's. He could have more than just chlamydia !
(This is a valued request, because the rate of sti's have gone up in the UK statistically!) so your taking precautions. Better be safe than sorry.
This is your health at the end of the day. He should respect that.
If he doesn't respect you for this or he isn't willing to do the tests (despite having unprotected sex with women)
then he really isn't the type of boyfriend you would want anyway.
Goodluck.
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