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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi-My fiancé and I have been together for almost four years. We dated for two years. We stayed at his parents a lot during this time because there was more space opposed to my parents. His brother and wife would stop by his parents here and there as well. My then boyfriend and I would go over to visit his brother and wife here and there but he didn't call every weekend or even every month for that matter. We were able to do our own thing basically.Their parents retired and moved away. We became engaged and moved in together right before they left. Now his brother calls basically every Saturday or every other Saturday wanting us to come over. When we do we are basically there from 3 or 4pm til 9:30 at night. By the time we get in we are pretty beat and then Sunday is a day for chores-cooking, laundry and getting ready for the work week. By the time we sit down I feel like we didn't even get a chance to relax or do anything on the weekend. We both have stressful jobs and long commutes and wake up at 4:30/5am each day. By the time Friday comes I am completely exhausted and even need a nap after work just to be able to function and enjoy Friday evening. If my fiancé works overtime throughout the week I probably see him for about 40 minutes because he is completely exhausted which is understandable.I have a major issue with his brother calling us over this frequently. All of a sudden we are engaged and trying to really start our lives together and he calls every weekend for us to come over. The weekend goes by so fast and sometimes I just want us to just be on the weekend and do our own thing. We basically only have Saturday to do errands, see family, go to the gym or just do nothing that day and relax. I need to just be able to breathe on the weekend, be in my own apartment or go and do something together after being in an office all week.I feel like we basically have to explain ourselves every weekend for why we can't come over. I'm tired of it. If a month goes by he gives him a hard time and will even say something to their mother saying he hasn't seen us in a month. If we see him two Saturday's a month that basically means we haven't seen my parents, haven't had time to clean our place and I feel like we are basically busy constantly because he requires to see us so much. I can't deal with it anymore. We are also wedding planning. We saw him after New Years and when leaving he asked so I am seeing you next week. I was completely dumbfounded because it is becoming way too much. We basically said we have some wedding stuff to do and he said that will still be there etc etc It really made me furious that our time is not being respected. It makes me not want to see him just to prove a point. I can't handle every weekend getting a phone call and we have to explain how tired or busy we are and basically try and come up with reasons. The bottom line is its too much and we can't fill the void of his parents being gone or his friends getting married and having kids. He has a wife and isn't single but his wife is home.'My fiancé has tried to tell him nicely but I have asked him to stop coming up with excuses and just flat out say It's been a long week and we haven't had much quality time together- we want to spend the night alone and ask you understand right? It is to the point where I dread the weekend. What do I do?
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 February 2016):
 I probably shouldn't have told you to be rude. Sorry. It's just that I hate to see people being walked over when a few choice words could set the ship straight.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): I would not be rude, condescending, nor use the proverbial "slap" if you don't have to. It's the the brother enjoys your time. So, just make other plans several weekends in advance and just be at the ready. Or when he asks just say let me check our schedule. Pretty sure we have something coming up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 February 2016):
 Talk to your fiance. Decide TOGETHER how often you BOTH are OK with visiting.
Let's say 1 Saturday a month. Then BEAT the BIL to the punch by making the plans and let him know that you two NEED to have some relaxing downtime from work and thus are limited to 1 Saturday a month.
He may not like it, but really, what can he do?
I agree with YouWish. If going over to see him ends up in a 10 hours all freaking day visit - then plan to met up for dinner. That's a 2-3 hour event and after that you and your fiance can part ways from your BIL and just go home and chill.
And she is also right when she mentions that YOU do NOT have to go EVERY time either. Even when you are married it's OK to say, you go hubby, I'm exhausted, or you go visit your family. Being engaged and married doesn't mean joined at the hip.
One thing I do want to point out is that you have BIL who clearly enjoy the company of his brother and fiance, so much nicer then one who hates your visits, right?
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 February 2016):
YouWish has put some good points. There is something else you might do. You say your fiancée has tried being nice. Well just be bloody rude. Sometimes you need to give someone a proverbial slap to get their attention. You have been holding in all this anger, well let it's time to let some of it out. I mean enough is enough surely?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2016):
 There are two things you can do.
1. Keep drawing the line and holding it. People in their own little bubble think that others have the same time constraints they do. They don't realize that other people have other lives.
2. When you *do* go for a visit, MAKE IT SHORT! 3 hours or so! Or make the time you visit be NOT at their house! Go out to eat at a restaurant, which has the dual benefit of limiting the time you spend with them AND qualifying as a visit. You don't have to spend 10 hours with people on a weekend. Time to wean your (and his) family.
One thing to consider - being that you're not yet married, you don't always have to be with him when he visits. You can visit your family simultaneously on some of these occasions. Being together doesn't mean losing your identity as a fully-realized person.
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