A
female
age
30-35,
*oulouz
writes:Okay, I know this is quick. so I have only been with my fiance for 10 months, he asked me to marry him after 5 months we got a ring after 9 months. We met online and I love him so much (success story) we are absolutely besotted with eachother, but there is one problem. His mother hates me. The first time I went to meet his parents, he was on a break from university waiting for his placement year and I travelled to see them with him, we went for a meal and stayed the night at their house. They both seemed quiet and it was a bit awkward. I felt it went okay though for a first meeting. Until the Monday, he said he heard her talking to her friend and said "he hasn't traded up any" he got angry and came to see me, when he told me what she said I was upset and when he went back home the next day argued with her about it. I was not in the mind set to accept an apology from her and I don't think she offered one so we left it. The next time I seen them we were engaged but there was no ring, so we didn't tell them, we had a great day but it was still a little awkward. The last time we seen them it was not good at all, I had my ring, I had to take it off as they didn't know about our engagement and it was his mum's birthday, I sorted out her birthday presents and my grandmother made her a cake, she was still off with me. I got upset that she didn't know we were engaged and asked my fiancee to tell her in the week (he only sees her every few months as in uni but currently on a placement year) he has now told her and she is not happy. She is so controlling too, they share a bank account and she is constantly on his back about work and keeping fit and eating healthy etc it drives me nuts. I can't even hear her voice without feeling angry. I have made an effort and got nothing back from her. I don't want to see her again, but I don't want it to affect my relationship. how can I diffuse this situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 I think the "issue" of which you speak... is with your B/F... NOT with his Mother.....
Once you sort out THAT, then you can proceed....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (25 October 2013):
 My darling, you can't diffuse this situation.
Some women are so controlling of their sons NO woman would ever be good enough for him.
This is her problem and she's going to have to deal with it.
When my parents got together, my father's mother did not like my mum. She thought she wasn't good enough for my dad and wouldn't even entertain her in their house and told my dad to "find someone better". My dad stood up to her and told her that he loved my mum and was going to marry her.
Shortly afterwards my nan realised that she was fighting a losing battle so just accepted it. Within a few years she realised she had misjudged my mother and they became very close. My nan absolutely adored my mother and my parents have been happily married for over 50 years now.
When I met my husband, it was the second time round for me. My mum desperately didn't want me to get hurt again and (despite me being over 30 years old) forbid me to carry on seeing this guy. She thought he was no good because he was divorced with a child and would have too much baggage. I had to remind her that I was divorced with children too and that I loved him and was prepared to take that risk.
I reminded her of the story of her and my nan. She didn't like it but accepted my choice. When she got to know my hubby she too realised what an amazing man he was and soon changed her opinion. We married with my parents blessing and they adore him.
That said even, if they hadn't of accepted him, I would still have married him because I know how I feel and what I want.
As long as your fiancé always stands his ground with his mother, where you're concerned, and doesn't allow her to pull him in other directions, then ignore her behaviour.
You're marrying him not her. There will be times when you have to see or be around her and at those time I suggest you take the higher ground. Just be polite, well mannered and charming despite how she might behave, it will show her up if nothing else!
Your guy seriously needs to cut the apron strings though and get his own bank account. She has enough control as it is!
Hopefully she will grow to love and respect you and this will become a distant memory, if not you at least have some material for some pretty funny mother-in-law jokes.
Don't let this woman ruin what should be a very happy time for you.
Just one thing to remember, although her attitude is unkind and unfounded, she is still your future husband's mother and although I believe he should support and defend you, he will not take kindly to you bad mouthing her. It would make you as bad as her and put your husband in a very difficult position. I'm not suggesting that you are, I'm just saying :)
I really hope this works out for and hope this advice helps AB x
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