A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I dont want to ask my family or friends about this, so i want some opinions from people on here. okay, im very mad/upset and a mixture of other feelings here and i need someones advice. My grandad died 2 weeks ago and his funeral is next neek. my fiance lives about 2 hours from me and is taking the day off to come down for it. cut the story short. there is 2 funeral cars- one for the sons and daughters and one if for the ten grand children only. all the grand childrens partners have to take a lift off if someone else, or drive from the house to get to the funeral. my fiance was fine with this. however, i told him that he was to go in X persons car, of which he said was fine, and tonight, i realised that there might not be room for him in that car, and therefor had to go in someone elses car. i rang him to tell him this and he started saying that he didnt want to be 'passed around' or didnt want to be a problem, of which i kept saying to him that he wasnt being passed around nor was a problem- it was just a slight change of plan. things got heated on the phone, because he kept on saying that he obviously was being a problem because people cant take him and he has to go with someone else- and i told him, whilst he was speaking (while i was beginning to get frustrated and angry!) ''err helloooo''. and he put the phone down on me. he said i was talking to him like he was a piece of shit. i admit i was getting angry because i couldnt belive what the phone call had turned into!!after numerous phone calls, on mobile and house, and sending a text asking why he had put the phone down on me, he answered the phone and we had another row- ll i was trying to do was explain that he was not in any way being a problem, and everything was sorted and he just kept saying that he was, i then said that he was making a problem- i meant he was making something out of a nothing situation. (of which he took way badly!, and put the phone down again!) he then took my call again after many missed ones- and told me, you have two choices- either i dont come down or i make my own way there. i said you are not making your own way there and you were getting a lift. i said that there was plans and if he wanted to make his own way there, it would upset my mum and aunt- who have thought of him, as well as every other partner of one of the family. they have tried to make sure he gets in a car with someone he knows. my fiance wouldnt belive any of this. i told him that he was being inconsiderate because it was stressing me out and that i can belive he would make a problem on what would be my grandads funeral. all hell broke loose. - he shouted down the phone saying i knew you would bring this into it- your telling me im a problem ect ect ect. (he rarely looses his temper!). he said he didnt want to talk to me and couldnt belive after 3 years of knowing him, he didnt think i would say such things? i got upset and told him that im sorry, of which he replied, you are not sorry. im so torn. i asked him if i could speak to his mum, as we get on well and usually agree, but he said no, dont get other people involved and what would my mum say if you told her i was being a problem at your grandads funeral. - he is not a problem, there never was a problem - until the conversation, with him leading to belive he is a problem. sorry if you dont understand, i dont quite myself. im so confused to why he is thinking these things! have i been inconsiderate? am i being horrible? i dont know what to say to him now? please please can someone give me some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Sorry to hear of your loss. I would say that your boyfriend is feeling excluded simply because he cares very much and wants to be there right now to support you but he is too far away. He may feel like he's failing and even what he is offering (by coming to the funeral) it is proving difficult to really make an impact. I think he is frustrated but he's taking it out on you at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I would advise you to give him some space to see the error in his approach and concentrate on your own emotions at the moment. He will come round. Perhaps just text him to say you know he cares and you're sorry things are difficult but you are struggling with your own emotions. Leave it at that and hopefully everything will work out. This is your time to reflect and remember your grandad.
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