A
male
age
41-50,
*organ0013
writes:I have finally found someone that I want to spend my life with after one brief, failed marriage already. While I am positive about this relationship, there is one thing that continues to nag at me...After her divorce, she went on a bit of a streak of casually sleeping with people. This in itself, is certainly not any issue at all since we've all gone through our own streaks. My issue is that some of these guys are her friends, one being her best friend since childhood. She still communicates with them often and wants to spend time with them. She has even offered to invite me along with them and I will be forced to see the best friend since he is also very close to her entire family.There was never any romantic relationship with any of them...just multiple rolls in the hay to get their rocks off, to be blunt. I certainly cannot tell her who to be friends with, and I appreciate that she was honest with me about her past. However, since I will be in her life from now on I will certainly continue to run into this often. I just can't help to question the thoughts that go through their minds when they are with each other. I hate the fact that these people have carnal knowledge of her and continue to be in her life. (It makes sex a little difficult sometimes to think about several of her friends that she still hangs out with having the same experience. The looks on her face, sounds she makes, preferences, and every other aspect of sex always make me envision her doing the same thing with all of them. It certainly doesn't make it feel special in any way.)I realize I am being insecure and assuming quite a bit. But, I think most guys can relate to how I'm feeling. Any perspective? Please.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Thanks for responses. At least I know that I'm not crazy, since she acts like I'm being unreasonable to even have an issue and it's the most normal thing in the world to sleep with friends and keep them as friends. I think for most people, casual sex is with strangers...?
Besides, she can claim that these guys never even think about sex with her when they're together, but I'm a guy whose always had a lot of guy friends. I know better. Plus, she is smoking hot. How am I suppose to believe that they don't ever notice that and start down memory lane, at least?
Here's the funny thing... I've always been a secure guy in relationships. I've never had an issue like this come up. In fact, I've been told that a little jealousy here and there would be nice but I just couldn't do it. I always felt so confident in myself that if they looked elswhere, they'd be the ones losing. But I find myself knowing that this is the one that I've been waiting for and it has opened up all kinds of fears and insecurities. Very uncomfortable.
I do feel confident that she feels the same about me. I guess that should be enough for me. I want it to be enough for me. I feel a little guilty that it's not.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Casual sex. The "harmless" activity that always seems to cause some kind of harm later on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I feel for you brother. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. A LOT of guys would have trouble dealing with the situation you're in.
I don't think there's a "solution". If you bring it up constantly, it will probably cause the relationship to end at some point. In my case, my GF and I tried counseling, but it hasn't helped all that much. Counseling doesn't change the facts. It's also not all that easy to simply turn off the switch on these types of emotions. My GF got tired of the counseling after awhile, and basically told me to suck it up and forget about it.
In a sense she's right. At some point you have to decide if the emotional turmoil that will inevitably result from your situation is worth it or not. If not, find someone else who isn't in that situation. Trying to make it work if you know in your heart that it will always eat at you isn't doing either one of you any favors. Neither will be happy in the long run.
I've started to look at the situation somewhat selfishly. I want my woman and I want to be happy with her. The only way I can get what I want is to learn to deal with it. This seems to shift the focus in my mind somewhat from thinking about my GF to thinking about me.
Still, it's not easy. I'm not sure it's possible for some people to ever fully adjust to something like that.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I can understand what you are saying and why you feel the way you do. It's quite natural to feel that way and I don't blame you. However, this is who she is. This is the type of person she is and this is the life she lives. To ask her to change would be asking her to make a HUGE life altering change and that would be difficult. Essentially you would be saying I love you, but I don't love everything about you. So, you either live with it and try to adjust to it... or you don't. But again, this isn't a little habit to try to change of hers, this is about friends that have been in her life for a very long time.
Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to handle a situation like that. But in the end it comes down to how much you love her and how important she is to you. If guess if she was THAT important to me and I couldn't live without her... I'd have to find a way to cope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I can relate to what you are saying. My husband keeps in contact with all of his past sexual partners and it makes me feel very unhappy. He says they are friends but I too imagine him doing all the things he does with me with the others. It makes me feel very insecure and we have had a lot of rows over who he should or should not keep in contact with. You are clever as you say that you know you can't ask people to stop contact with anyone - although it probably doesn't make you any happier saying that! I tried getting my husband to stop being friends with these people as it was making me too jealous but it all back fired on me and he still keeps in contact with them just now behind my back.
I can't give you an answer here as I feel as you do and over the year that I have been married to him it has got much worse for me. I constantly imagine what they are saying about me, secrets they are sharing etc etc and to put it mildly it is doing my head in1 I know it is driving a wedge between us but I can't help it. I keep in contact with no ex partners so I have no comprehension of why someone would want to - when a relationship is over, its over isn't it? All I can say is try to chill and not let it drive you mad, at least she is open about it which is better than hiding it from you. Don't show that you feel so put out by it or they will have ammunition against you and your feelings.
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