A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I am engaged for more than a month. This is an arranged marriage. The problem is that my fiancee has been cold towards me since day one. We have discussed about this and she said she would like to be friends with me first before she can think about the next step in a relationship. This sounded fair to be since this being an arranged marriage and even I thought about giving this relationship a fair chance.She is very thoughtful about everything otherwise. She is caring and understands her responsibility in this relationship and is very supportive as well. Its just that when I romantically associate her to myself or flirt with her, she is dead cold and is very civil in her replies. I confess I have been giving her too much attention since the beginning of our relationship because I thought maybe constantly approaching and making plans to go outside her will bring her closer to me ( and it seems working, though she is distant and acts more like a friend).Yesterday I texted her saying how much I loved her and want to be with her and she replied that she appreciates that I care for her and my love for her. Her cold replies kill and and I never get anything back in return! It pisses me off everytime I text her and see her dead replies. I was upset with her and she texted me back that we can talk about it and sort out if something is bothering me! I appreciate that she is thoughtful and doesnt want to hurt me at any point of time, but I feel I deserve more attention from her than I am getting right now considering the fact that I am willing to give her all the love in this world ( Cumon she is my fiancee not my friend afterall!!)Should I also become distant and only talk to her(civil and friendly, not romantic) only when she texts me ? Or should I continue approaching her and make plans as avoiding her will not do any good or bring her any closer to me I feel. How to make her taste her own medicine?? I want to break the same pattern she has been following everytime I approach her. I agree I have come across a little needy to her as her social life is bigger than me. Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): You're being unrealistic. This was an arranged marriage. She didn't choose you. People don't fall in love because they are required to, falling in love happens naturally and you can't control who you will or won't fall in love with. She may just never fall in love with you at all even if she does stay married to you for the next 50 years.However, she is dutiful and agrees to her role in the marriage. This is the best you can hope for, which is that she is at least willing to cooperate and be civil and polite and friendly. It is really asking too much to expect her to also feel attraction to you and fall in love with you since she never picked you herself. And if it were not for the arranged marriage, if you and her just saw each other on the street, she may never look at you twice. You just don't know because this is an arranged marriage (which in my opinion, is unnatural.)If you want a wife who will be in love with you, then an arranged marriage is not the way to go. You cannot put two strangers together, arrange a marriage and then have any guarantee that both will fall in love or even find each other attractive. If you want a marriage that has romance and passion, then I suggest you call off this wedding, and try to find a wife on your own by dating and seeing which woman chooses you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2013):
 Yes, talk to her like you would a total stranger whom you want to get to know.
I agree with SVC - go slow. TAKE the time to get to know her. Do not FORCE it. She will resent that.
Honestly, it seems more like you are willing to show he that you OWN her then LOVE her. This isn't the 1800's.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 August 2013):
Dear OP,
What did you expect?
There are at least two kinds of love: One love is passionate and romantic, full of butterflies in your stomach, heart ache and sexual desire. This love can never be arranged and planned. It can fade quickly, like a flame. But anyway, it's unpredictable and you can't expect it to come out of an arrangement like this.
There's the other kind of love. It grows with patience. It's the kind of love that sort of resembles more of a friendship, although maybe in time it can mix with desire and passion. Maybe it won't, though. It might be more long-lasting, but it's not the same.
There are many books about those kinds of love, for instance "Anna Karenina".
You expect too many romantic feelings and desire from her. You can't force her to reply your feelings. She will do her duties, as is expected from her and she is polite. But there's an element of desire which you can't force or educate, I'm sorry. She doesn't need to taste any medicine! You just need to ask yourself why you agreed to this arrangement and whether it's going to make you happy.
If you wanted to have a stable life, a good family and a wife who'll help you get through your days, then an arranged marriage was a good choice. If you wanted a woman who desires you, flirts with you and wants to spend all your time with you, then you should have gone and found her yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): "I feel I deserve more attention from her than I am getting right now considering the fact that I am willing to give her all the love in this world"So what if you're willing to give all this love? Doesn't mean she should reciprocate. Doesn't mean she should trust you more. She's being true to herself. Her pace is her pace. It's only been a month. I'm surprise you claim to love her in such a short period. Quit feeling entitled: "Her cold replies kill and and I never get anything back in return!"
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 August 2013):
 so you expect that after the marriage was arranged by your families she magically could flip a switch and love you?
you have been engaged a month... I'm betting you two barely know each other much less love each other.
she sounds like she is committed to being the best wife she can be and is willing to let the love grow in time...
I think you are rushing and pushing her.... give her time to grow to learn to love you...
"make her taste her own medicine" is not a good plan as it's not what she's doing...she is being true to herself... not punishing you.
do you two have to take religious counseling together before the marriage? how long are you engaged before the marriage?
have you asked her what she requires of you to allow her to grow to love you or are you just trying to FORCE it?
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