A
female
age
30-35,
*onfuseda89
writes:Hello.Im in a relationship since 5 years and we are now engaged, hope to be married in start of next year.Trust and girls have never been an issue in my relationship as my guy is not the sort who is a flirt. He visits foreign countries a lot but has never tried to have a summer fling. we are also extremely close to each other and share all feelings more then usual couples do I believe.in my country drinking is not considered good, so hes had a few drinks before me but since I do not like it he stopped it and promised me he would never have it again. 3 weeks back he had a bachelor party of a friend.. he knew there would be booze and prostitutes there so I told him he can drink a little. that was fine with me but not the prostitutes however he told me I had nothing to worry about it would be just dancing and then they go. I believed him. next day he told me that things went a bit out of hands, his friends (some engaged and some in committed relationships, some single) got a bit free with the sluts and got quite touchy, 2-3 had sex, most had blowjobs. His friends also forced him to indulge in the same act and not kill the spirit of the party but he didn't want it. his friends also told the slut to turn him on and all but the slut said no.He told me the whole truth and ive been upset ever since. I cant get this out of my mind that he was near those women.. it is so low of them. His friends are very nerdy type and this is not their usual thing..How do I feel normal? Ive been constantly asking him questions and he does think prostitutes are immoral and has no interest in sleeping with them. He however felt horny during the party and wanted to enjoy when everyone was high and doing crazy stuff.Please help me and advise me on how to move on.Howe
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female
reader, confuseda89 +, writes (29 May 2013):
confuseda89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much everyone. it turned out fine.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Prostitutes are not sluts…. Sluts do it for free… (at least that’s my take on it and to be honest I find the term slut to be way more insulting… maybe it’s my age)
I would be way more concerned about sluts that prostitutes to be honest… but that’s me.
Here’s the thing confuseda89 His friends “FORCED him” to indulge? SERIOUSLY… they held him down and forced him? They held a gun to his head and forced him? HOW did they FORCE him? Granted peer pressure is a big thing and had a lot to do with it.. .NO MAN who is even the tiniest bit insecure will take being called “pussy whipped” well.. and I can see my hubby’s friends calling him PWed if he refused the sexual attentions of a prostitute or other sex worker or a slut. So explain how he was FORCED….
He knew there would be prostitutes and booze and yet he went anyway… did he not think it would get out of hand… has he never been to a bachelor party before? They almost always get out of hand. Personally, as OPEN as I am I would have said to my spouse… NO… there is no need for prostitutes at a party (it’s illegal here anyway). Strippers are one thing… professional women who strip are not prostitutes and that would be fine.
HOW in the world could he think that PROSTITUTES WERE THERE FOR ANYTHING BUT SEX???
Seriously… what do they do for a living? They provide sexual activity. Are you sure they weren’t just strippers???
You knew he was going, he knew there would be prostitutes there and booze and you agreed to it. He told you the truth and you are both upset… of course he felt horny at the party… he had some booze and there were naked women doing sexual things with men…
I personally could forgive and forget and move on. After all you gave him PERMISSION TO GO.
Next time however tell him… if there are prostitutes you can’t go… they are there for one thing only…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): So basically his friends forced him to get a bj from a prostitute and he did? But he didn't want to? It is easier to avoid a tempting situation when you are still sane and sober than to resist the temptation once it is in your face and your hormones are already kicking in and altering your brain chemistry. He knew there would be prostitutes there and he chose to go. What do prostitutes do? I mean is it not common sense that if there are going to be prostitutes at a party then there is a 99% chance there will be sex with them going on? Isn't that the whole purpose of bringing in the prostitutes, which is to have sex?I think its too late to get mad at him now since you too knew there would be prostitutes there. Basically both you and him knew he was going to a party where there are prostitutes and the purpose is to have sex with them and he chose to go and you said ok. So now its a bit late to get upset that either he did have sex or that he was aroused by them.
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A
female
reader, Rosy2011  +, writes (22 March 2013):
Very strictly speaking if he thought it was immoral he shouldn't have gone somewhere he knew prostitutes would be. However, it's difficult not to when your friends are going and you knew he was going and said it was okay. Although it probably would hurt to think he was turned on but it probably wouldn't have been by a specific girl just the situation - no emotional attachments. It's important to remember that even with the strongest temptation and the knowledge that no-one was likely to find out, he didn't do anything. That is something to hold on to because he was obviously thinking about you and how much he values the relationship. You can also think about it another way: if being faithful was easy it wouldn't be very important, it's because it can sometimes be difficult and because you deny yourself other people, that makes faithfulness so much more important to relationships. The fact that he was turned on but still refused everything is even more testament to how much he is committed to you.I understand it might be difficult to think that he was horny but then again people get horny from seeing things or imagining things all the time and it means nothing and has no impact on anyone's feelings or the relationship. You will learn to feel better about it. I think that it's the fact that he was in such an easy position to act on the fact that he was horny that is probably worrying you and making you feel worse than that he was horny from seeing a group of girls flaunt themselves and more, after all this happens all the time in perfectly regular situations in pubs and clubs, even walking through a town centre and on tv.Whatever the case, you won't feel bad about it forever, and just keep reminding yourself that he chose you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Your fiance did not expect it would get so wild. If he knew there would actually be sex, I think he would refuse to go and be associated with people willing to cheat in the name of the rite of passage into manhood.
Just because something is immoral does not mean it can't be enjoyable. It's quite normal for a man to feel horny. I would credit him for not giving in to peer pressure. That slut who was told to turn him on was actually moral, because she knew he didn't want to do it, and she didn't want to be responsible for wrecking a relationship.
As to why your fiancee enjoyed looking at wild stuff. People are visual. He can easily get a boner looking at an attractive thing. It's the instinct that helps up being baby making machines. He was being too honest though. He knew you would feel insecure about this but felt open enough to share his innermost thoughts.
I honestly feel that bachelor parties are a very hurtful ritual to those who are in serious relationships. If these parties give people the excuse to cheat before they get married, it means they can cheat at a later time once they find out they are capable of betrayal.
I think you will feel better knowing that the marriage institution is against our normal sexual instincts, for both men and women. Both sexes are sacrificing in a forced monogamy setting. It is normal for us to get turned on by other people, regardless of morality. To have a realistic view on human relationships, it is necessary to burst the bubble that you are the only person that is allowed, and is able to turn him on. The desire to want other people is in you also. What we do with our feelings is crucial and we need to learn to channel all our desires into loving one person only.
We intellectually know that no one is perfect but at the same time we don't want the other to rub in our faces that we are not enough for them. Sometimes sharing everything is not good if there are things you don't want to hear. Some privacy is good.
Your fiancee should know that while you appreciate him sharing things with you, he should watch out and be careful of what he says. It's not necessary to reveal every single thought. Trusting that you both are faithful is all that matters.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (22 March 2013):
 The fact that he told you what went on at the party is a good sign of how strong your relationship is. He could have lied to you about it. You did not mention if he cheated or not (bj or sex), but I take it he did not cheat, inspite of the peer pressure and alcohol. Reward him for being strong enough to say no. This reminds me of a joke:
Devoted Husband Joke
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I think your fiance is playing with your head. His friends can't make him do ANYTHING. He is a grown man and was perfectly capable of walking out when things got too frisky. But he didn't, and saying he allowed it because he didn't want to be a party pooper is total CRAP. If he thought being around or sleeping with prostitutes was immoral, then he shouldn't have put himself in that situation and blame it on his friends. You have a right to be mad. Talk to him again and ask for the whole truth and any questions you may have, such as if his friends really 'forced' him. Take his answers and decide what you want to do from there and give yourself some time to process things.
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