A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 2 years, and we've been talking about getting married. She says I'm the man of her dreams, that she loves me, that I'm the only person who really cares about her, that I have everything she wants in a man, etc.But, she is still friends with several of her exes, and it bothers me at times. For example, she recently asked one of her exes to do her taxes for her, and he apparently agreed to do it. She did mention something about her taxes to me the other day, but she didn't actually ask me if I could help her with it. She also asks this ex for help if she's having a problem with her computer, etc. She goes to him for this sort of thing without asking me if I can help her with it. He is probably better than me with computers, but she goes to him and asks for help with a lot of things without even asking me. I do help her fix things around her house, take her to the garage when her car needs servicing, cook dinner, etc., so she knows I'm more than willing to help her out. I like doing things for her because I know this is one of the primary ways she feels loved (from the book "The Five Languages of Love). When she goes to her ex without even asking me if I can help, to some extent it deprives me of an opportunity to show her I that I care about her. I have no doubt that she will not get back together with this guy, and I know she's not cheating on me with him. I don't detect any sign of lingering feelings for this guy (she told me she broke up with him because he wanted to get married but she didn't love him)(I believe her) I had brought this up about 6 months ago, and she said something to the effect that her exes are really intelligent, knowledgeable, good people, they help her out a lot, etc., and she wants to stay friends with all of them because of this. The way she said it more or less implied "I don't need you for anything because my exes know more than you and they'll help me any time I ask." She also accused me of being insecure, trying to control her, etc. My sense is that she really does rely on her exes to some extent and this is a safety net or resource of sorts for her (that has been in place since before we started seeing each other). But, my impression is that she also wants to let me know she doesn't need me, her exes still care about her, etc. I think she also likes it when her exes help her because it gives her the feeling that they still care about her. I do think some of her exes actually do care about her and want to help, but I think other ones just want to stay in touch in hopes it will lead to some easy "ex sex" at some point. She tends to be quite needy in terms of getting praise, acceptance, etc. from other people. Conversely, she's very sensitive to any negative comments and so on from other people.I'm not sure if I should bring this up again? I can see why she would resent it if I asked her to give up her prior friendships/safety net. But, I don't understand why her exes are often her first choice when it comes to asking for help with things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): Hi there
I am answering this because I had a similar situation a while back, though from the opposite end! My boyfriend's ex used to be incredibly needy. She would call him all the time for every little thing. At the beginning of our relationship, it made me feel incredibly insecure that she would just ring him, and he'd be over doing things for her.
My way of handling this was to sit my partner down and agreed some limits with him about what we would or wouldn't do for her. The situation was made difficult by the fact that he concealed from me the extent of her reliance on him, including the fact that they shared a bank account (which she used like a boss uses such an account with a PA - to put in money then demand that things she needed like groceries were bought for her).
After a while I realized that this was a sign of a deep-seated psychological problem. She is completely lacking in self-reliance, and she compensates for it by demanding attention. She uses social pressure on men to try to cover a basic inability to do simple tasks like changing a lightbulb or a washer on a tap because she doesn't have the confidence to do them for herself. Her lack of skill is part and parcel of a constant need for attention and affirmation from others which is rooted in a deep lack of self-esteem. And it's deeply controlling of others - always needing to know that they're at her beck and call.
But I think you're making this situation WAY worse rather than better. It's true that many women judge men in life by the things they do actively for them. (For a guy, not putting out the garbage is not putting out the garbage, for a woman it's a sign that he just doesn't care!). HOWEVER, such arguments are predicated on the AVERAGE relationship, and in the average relationship the woman carries way more than half of the responsibilities for childcare and domestic chores, often to a point where they are near exhaustion most of the time. A guy not pulling his weight in those circumstances sends a VERY different message to a guy like you who is running around trying to do every little thing for his woman so she doesn't need to raise a finger.
I'm afraid that you're not going to like what I have to say, but I think your attitude here is making the situation far worse. It sounds like there's a huge degree of inequality at the bottom of your relationship, and some damaging and old-fashioned gender stereotypes, particularly coming from your partner who seems to think that women need their hands held to do any little thing, rather than making some effort to be a proud, independent, strong woman in her own right. This goes psychologically too: when your girlfriend is with you, no-one else's affirmation or attention should matter, yet here she is claiming loads of time from every man she's ever slept with because at some fundamental level it makes her feel secure and protected if she can click her fingers and see them come running. That bodes very ill for any time of trouble the pair of you have.
I suggest that the best thing you can do for your relationship is to start seeing and treating your partner as an equal. That means the pair of you working TOGETHER on things, rather than you doing everything practical for her and placing her on a pedestal that ultimately disempowers her from any practical or moral responsibility. It means that she learns to do some things on her own, and takes some pride in the fact that she can be a little bit self-reliant. There is nothing to stop sexy, young, attractive women from being able to change a lightbulb, cook by themselves, do their own taxes, or inflate their own tyres.
I suggest you sit your girlfriend down and explain how much it hurts you when she calls her exes. But I suggest you also tell her that you find it unattractive that she has to reach for the assistance of men all the time. While it may seem charming and sweet right now to have a ditsy girl whose greatest worry in life is breaking a nail, I guarantee that when it comes to a life partner - someone who will be able to be there for you through trouble, someone who can bear you kids and be a great mother, someone who will stand by you strongly no matter what and fight your battles with you - practicality, self-reliance, self-esteem, and skills are invaluable.
A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (16 March 2011):
 No I don't think I would be. In fact I'd pitch a fit! lol
I think my conflictions about whether I gave you good advise or not is why I wanted my husbands input. Because even though we may not always agree, I do value his opinion a great deal. And it sounds like that is all you are really asking for too, from your girlfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYet another thank you and follow up.
For what it's worth, I've noticed that my gf's exes seem to fall into one of 2 categories. The first category are guys she had strong feelings for, treated her like dirt, and dumped her. As far as I can tell, she is not on speaking terms with any of these exes. The second category of exes are the guys who were crazy about her, but she broke up with them. Her computer and tax geek exes (sorry, couldn't resist the jab!) fall into the second category.
I do know she has very strong feelings for me, and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one to bridge both categories in the sense that I help her out and care about her (I don't treat her like dirt), but she also has strong feelings for me.
I also realized my previous cooking analogy isn't very accurate. A more accurate analogy would be if you came home and your husband was trying to cook dinner, but he was having trouble. You offer to help, but he tells you his ex is an excellent cook, she used to cook him wonderful meals, etc., and he then procedes to call her right in front of you without letting you even have a chance to help. After talking to her on the phone for awhile without solving the problem, he says he wants to invite her over so she can show him how it's done. You offer to help again, but he dismisses you saying that his ex is a wonderful cook, and she really knows what she's doing. At this point you object to inviting her over, and offer to call your sister who is an award winning chef (assume for purposes of this analogy that your sister actually has a PhD in cooking). Your husband then tells you he relies on his ex because she is a wonderful, mature, intelligent woman, and he accuses you of being insecure and controlling, and insists that his ex knows a lot more about cooking than you or your sister. Would you be OK with that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses!
The topic came up about 6 months ago because I stopped by her place and she told me she was having a problem with her computer. I offered to help her, but she didn't even give me a chance to look at it and called her ex right on the spot. After about half an hour of trying to fix it, I offered to call my brother who is very good with computers. She more or less blew that off, and said she wanted to invite her ex over to look at it. It wasn't just that she was relying on her ex that bothered me, she wouldn't even let me try to help her.
At that point I asked her if she could have him come over at different time when I wasn't there because I wasn't comfortable being there with the two of them. She insisted that he was a really great guy, that he would like to be friends with me, that he was happy we were together, etc. She did eventually agree to let me talk to my brother about it without having her ex over, but not until after she accused me of being controlling, insecure, etc. (my brother and I were able to fix it without much difficulty)
How would you feel if you were in the middle of cooking dinner and you weren't sure how to do something so your husband called one of his exes and invited her over so she could show you how to cook?
It's also odd to me that every single person in her support network is a man she's had sex with. She has no female friends in her support network, and there aren't any men who are not former lovers. She never seeks out men she's not attracted to for support.
The few times it's come up, she insists her exes are all great people, they're all very smart, very knowledgable, etc., and that's why she needs to stay in touch with them. If I mention I know someone else who can help her with a particular matter, she won't even consider it, and insists her ex (whichever one is the "expert" with respect to the topic at hand) is an absolutely indispensible resource, and whoever I suggest just isn't in the same league. I've learned not to bring up alternatives, because anyone I know will never be as capable as her super exes.
Also, she's asked me to remove my exes from facebook, including one who's married and lives clear on the other side of the country. She's also asked me to remove some of her female friends from facebook because she's afraid they'll start coming on to me, etc.
I really don't think she's carrying a candle for any of these guys, but it does seem odd to me that she has such a strong need to keep them in her life. That part of it I don't understand. I really didn't mind dropping my exes from facebook because they are just exes, and keeping those relationships alive is not important to me. But, the double standard does annoy me.
Yea, I agree though, it's something I'll have to accept if I want to stay with her. (what prompted this post is that she's out having dinner with one of her exes tonight, and I'd have to concede I'm not entirely comfortable with it)
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (15 March 2011):
PS: I aksed my husband to also read your letter, because I thought he may have a point of view different from my own to offer you. And I was right... So I think it is only fair to share it with you.
In a nut shell he finds the idea of remaining friends with your ex's kind of strange. He never did it and could not think of anyone he knew that did it, other than couples who had to for the sake of their children.
In his opinion ex's are in the past for a reason, and he doesn't understand why anyone would drag them into their future or into their current relationship. Maybe she needed them to do these things with her before, but she has you now to do them for her. So why does she still need them? He asks.
I could not answer this, all I could say is that it doesn't sound like she is willing to give them up. He agreed and said well then if he still has a problem with it all he can do is break up with her, move on, and hopefully find someone else who doesn't come prepackaged with a string of ex's.
In his opinion, your only other choice is to learn to live with it or convince her that he is ready, willing and able to do all those things for her, and that she doesn't need to go to them anymore.
At which point I said, "But that doesn't stop her from wanting to remain friends with them and still keep in touch occasionally"....
I also asked him, if just because most people are unable to stay friends with their ex's as well as this woman has managed to do, then why should she be punished for it? Just because some people can't understand it. We are not talking about a fickle teenager here. This is a mature adult woman who has made her choices and set her own path.
So in the end, we came to agree that it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong in this case. The facts haven't changed. You two must either find a way to compromise about this. Or you just have to learn to accept it.
If you can't your only alternative is to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (15 March 2011):
She seems to have developed a sort of social network of ex's that she has come to utilize whenever she needs something done, this one for taxes, another for computer problems and so on... And she thinks to herself, This is what I have done for years, it works for me so why should I stop now? It's a good way to keep in touch with them now and then.
And even if some of them would be interested in hooking up with her again, she is not. (we can assume)
So she fails to see why this would be a problem to you.
In her mind she is not doing anything different or wrong.
And guess what? From what you have written I can't find anything she is doing wrong either.
Sorry Pal, But I don't think you are going to win this one.
All of the concerns you have mentioned having a problem with are all in your head. You say don't like it that she asks them for help before she asks you because it makes you feel bad and like she doesn't need you or thinks they are smarter then you. But she never once said that, implied or otherwise. You just took it that way.
And then when that doesn't add up to enough to force the issue, you turn it around and attack her character.
Saying she is just needy and does it for extra praise and attention. Like there is a problem in her head if she wants to continue seeing her old friends/ex's now and then, like she has done for years, since before she met you.
Well guess what, she is just trying to be the same person she was before she met you, she hasn't changed one bit from the girl you fell in love with. But you have, because now you are telling her she can't be herself anymore, that you no longer like who she is and what she does.
And you seem to think if she loves you she should be willing to change for you, like you ask and give up her independence and her old friends/ex's and depend only on you, simply because it makes YOU feel bad.
No wonder she accused you of being insecure and trying to control her.
The only I can say on your behalf is that, no not every girl continues to be friends with their ex's long after they have broken up, and yes, many guys might not like it.
But that is your problem, not hers. So you have to stop trying to make it hers or you are going to push her away, when all you really want is to pull her closer to you.
You need to change your tactics and stop attacking her. It is not an attrative quality in any man, and will never win her admiration or her undying love. Instead just do your best to do the things you can for her, and love her and accept her for the great person she is.
Then maybe in time she will come to depend on you more. Afterall, the ex's won't be around or stay available to her forever. People move, get married, change jobs and so on all the time. In the meantime, you just have to be patient, wait it out and trust her to do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, pool sea addict  +, writes (15 March 2011):
now dats kinda serious, hav u tried tokin 2 her bout it?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Dear anon,
Although I am a good deal younger than you I am in a similar situation to your fiancé, I have a boyfriend but tend to trust my ex more with serious issues. With me, it is more of an attention thing. The way you describe her seems like she likes the attention of these men as well as your own but perhaps in different ways? It is obvious she cares about you but maybe she wants guy-friends too because the forms of attention are different. You may just need to give her this space of going to these men for help..
My second theory is that maybe she doesn't want to be too dependent on you because some men can find it a turn off, perhaps she is going to these men because you actually mean that much more to her then they do. I hope this helps :)
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