A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit of a strange question, and I feel awful about it, but I'm 18 and I don't think I've ever properly loved my parents. This isn't by any means just a recent thing, I've felt this way my entire life. Whenever either of my parents have shown and form of affection towards me, instead of wanting to hug them etc, this just leaves me feeling really cold and I want to squirm. It's not like my parents have ever seriously abused me to make me feel this way, I know people have it a lot lot worse, but my dad has always been so horrid to me. He has always used physical violence against me and my sister every once in a while when we "deserve" it and a key time that made me start to resent him was when I was 8 and he smashed my head into the wall. He tries to act the big man about the house, physically controlling me with the fact he has access to my phone contract, and frequently locks it when he thinks I am using it too much.He is also refusing to fund my university course and accomadation in September, despite the fact he can afford it (I am statistically from a higher income family so am not entitled to any extra grants/bursaries etc have already checked) because I apparently don't deserve it. Every aspect of my family life revolves around control. When I was 14 I told my best friend that my dad was hitting me and she told the school and my mum was called in. She physically guilt tripped me so much and made me tell them I was lying and then the entire family basically turned against me for "trying to break up the family" and "telling malicious lies". He beat me up again a couple of months ago, trashed my room and tried to take my phone off me. This was all because I slept without a sheet on my duvet, yet he went utterly psycho about it, so I ended up losing my temper after he punched me several times and pinned me down on the floor, so I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could and bit his hand, just to get him off of me. I am, of course being blamed for all of that. And my mum is just soo weak and uses the fact that my dad is the breadwinner as an excuse for him to have ultimate control and she does exactly what he tells her and backs him up 100% at the same time as calling me useless, lazy and using threats of money against me. I can't remember the last time she said something good or positive towards me. I have no good feelings at all towards my parents, particularly my father. With him it's verging on hate, but with my mum I just feel nothing at all. This all probably means that I'm an awful person which I hate, but I just need to get away from them as soon as possible. All they care about is money and control, they have never questioned whether or not I'm happy. What should I do?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 You don't think this sounds like child abuse, but I sure do. At your first opportunity, move out. You can't choose your parents but you certainly can choose to get away from them and stay away if you want. If they are supporting you, they have the control. Maybe you need to get a job, move out, and start trying to save your own money for school. You may also then qualify for some financial aid.
A
male
reader, RealityChecker +, writes (30 June 2010):
A father that would smash his daughters head into the wall, deserves to be in jail. A mother that would allow it, also deserves to be in jail. This is not the kind of parental love you deserved. Focus on yourself, what you feel about what empowers you as a person. It sounds like you have parents that simply hold that title becuase they "had" you. The job was up to them to show you a real and tender parental love. Certainly not kiss your ass by any means, but to be a source of guidance, to help you grow into a good person, and a good parent. For now, you will have to deal with it but remember just as you are forgiven for things youve done, you are expected to be forgiving as well. Remember these things they do as an example of how not to be when your beautiful children look up to you and need that love. Dont let their obvious faults continue down the family bloodline. Be wiser, be more self focused in order to get your game in order, so that when it comes time to move out and be on your own, you will not have to rely on mum and dad for things like financial help, etc. The key is to be certain to build your own sense of self-worth. All parents should naturally instill this into their children, but your parents like so many others seem to have been molded into the type of parents they are thru failure of their parents. Perhaps they were abused or neglected. Dont let it continue on down to your kids. Recognize this type of behavior from your parents as being wrong, but realize they are people, and make mistakes. They, when they get old and need someone, will unfortunately then pay for that type of upbringing, when you dont want to visit, or bring their grandchildren around.
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