A
male
age
41-50,
*762KF
writes:It look like I am about to split with my wife of 4 years (together for 8 years before that) We are both 28 years old so doing the math means we have been togther since we were 16 years old, childhood sweethearts as the saying goes. Anyway over the last 6-8 weeks things have been particulary frosty between us but previously over the whole our life together has been really good. We have always watched other couples get together then split only to watch from the sidelines and say that will never be us. I admit that I have let things stagnate over the last while through pressure of work and other things and on Monday of this week she told me that she had developed feelings for someone at her work and as a result she has been "seeing" him for around 4 weeks. Incidently he too is going through a split with his wife. My wife says nothing has happened between them other than kissing and I have enough respect in her to believe this although this revelation was enough for us to decide she should go back to her mum and dads to try and "sort her head out". I am wondering if anyone thinks that there can be a way back for us, yes we are a young couple who have been together for a long time but as I say most of that time has been good. I have asked her outright whether or not she feels as if we could fix things out and give it another go only to be met with the response of "the spark has gone and I dont know if we could get it back". My feeling to that is that she has become slightly taken in with this other guy and by the initial feelings of lust and excitement that go with a new found admirer. I am not a silly guy and I know that it doesnt sound good but I believe when you take marriage vows you proclaim to get through the good times and the bad or am I being old fashioned. What a mess!
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male
reader, 5762KF +, writes (25 April 2008):
5762KF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLooking back at my original posting and replies I realised just how helpful this site is. Contrary to the last reply I posted my wife ended up coming back to me a few weeks ago telling me that she wanted to give our marriage a go. At first I was really glad about this and I thought that everything would go back to normal but how wrong I was. I am finding the whole thing really difficult, work is suffering, I am supposed to be studying for exams in June but all I feel most days is hurt and betrayal and I keep going over things in my head every day. Dont get me wrong we have had some fun times since she came back and we are trying to recreate that thing whuch has kept us together all our life but a lot of the time there is unhappiness on both parts about our situation and of course this seems to cause resentment and arguments. Can anyone say that they ahve actually got through something like this. I intitially thought this might make us stronger but now I think there is just irreversible damage there and things will never be the same again. I would really like to know if anyone else has experienced similar situations.
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (12 March 2008):
Hey mate hope you are doing ok. Try not to let the grief wear you down mate. Take time out for yourself and please post and let me know that you are ok. Remember you are a worthwile person and that love will enter your life in time again. Draw strength from friends and family and if you have days when you cant face the day then take time out and just relax. Try not to tell curious people around you too much because for all the genuine people out there there a half a dozen that just want the inside goss of your life as though it is a soap opera. It is your life and you are entitled to have privacy. Just know that I hope that you are ok today.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (9 March 2008):
Mate I feel for you. I left an abusive marriage loving him. It took me a good 2 years to recover and the person that still loves the other partner always takes longer to grieve because your grieving process begins now, but for the other partner that wanted out they grieve WHILE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP and once they leave THEIR GRIEVING PROCESS IS AT A DIFFFERENT LEVEL TO YOURS. Mate you are 28 I am 35 and a sole parent to twin boys and two girls and it took me 2 and a half years to find a really lovely man who's wife cheated and left him. Healing takes time. Like I said I would take time off work if you can and just grieve. Each time I cried buckets I shed layers of hurt and this process has to happen to then heal and move forward. I would get legal advice on the property settlement even if you both agree because I have seen men give their partners an equal share only to have them come back for a second round once the man finds someone else which has happened to my new partner. You wil find someone as I did but this thought needs to go on the back burner for awhile. Remember you are young you are affectionate you are loving you are loyal and you deserve love in your life. All these things will come in time mate. I feel for you. Take care and make a list of all the things that make you happy and plan to do one of them a month or a fortnight. Just for you. It can be something like having a night out or in with the boys watching movies eating pizza whatever and take this time to strengthen yourself. On my list was to set the alarm clock for the sunrise. I sat outside with my coffee and watched the amazing colours in the sky and my grief lightened. Book yourself in for a therapeutic massage no not a hooker and just give yourself the time. Take care mate, it is a long road but happiness is at the end.
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A
male
reader, 5762KF +, writes (8 March 2008):
5762KF is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who took the time to reply to me your advice is much appreciated. My wife and I spoke this morning and we have taken the decision to end the marriage. I am obviously very sad about this as is she but the decider had to be the fact that when I offered her the chance of a reconciliation if she was prepared to commit 110% to me and to trying again she told me that she couldn't give me that promise. That was enough for me to realise there really is no way back. I am hoing we can take things forward in as amicable way as possible in terms of the division of assets and the like as I believe even though there is hurt and sadness there, anger only serves to mix things up even more, plus I suppose it costs less in the long run both emotionally and financially if you can do it all quickly and easily. Now I have the real fear of never finding anyone else. I mean I might be considered a young divorcee but I have been with this woman all of my late teenage and early adult life which I'm sure people will agree is the time where most people actually discover themselves, and not when they are approaching 30. Anyway I have been trying to tell myself to put that to the back of my mind and just try to get used to linving on my own and being both emotionally and financially independent which is probably going to be hard enough without the worry of another relationship. Thanks again for all your advice
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (8 March 2008):
You are not being old fashioned. It sounds as though you really love her but her feelings have changed and she likes the excitement of this other guy. That's not to say that you are not exciting. I am feeling though that her 4 week thing might be longer than she is letting on and the fact he is going through a marriage break up suggests it has been longer than 4 weeks for both of them. Usually a cheating partner only tells their mate about the affair when they have formulated a plan to move in together or to establish the relationship. I would say if she says the spark is gone then there is not much you can do. You have been faithful and maybe you being busier at work has allowed her to be busier elsewhere. Marriage takes two people committed to make it work for it to last. You have done your bit. I wish I could give you more hope but she has pretty much quashed all your hopes to reconcile through her words. You could try marriage counselling but I think she has jumped ship and is waiting at the dock for it to set sail. I am sorry for your loss. Take some time off work and spend quality time with friends and family you will need supportive people around you. Take care mate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): It sounds like you are being quite logical and understanding about the situation which of course is a good start. Regardless of what happens with her new friend I suggest you refrain from asking too many questions. Asking questions will only get in the way of what appears to be your real goal and that is winning her back. Please notice I said winning and not getting. I believe you will not get her back but you might win her back. After all she is a human being with feelings and emotions and not property. If you seriously want to win her love and affection back then do what you did in the beginning, court her. Realize there will be no silver bullit here. It may take some time and you will need to have patience. Yes there will be times where you will hurt and feel pain but that is part of life. I suggest you begin by calling her and attempting to go out on a date. Just a date nothing more. It might even be lunch but in any case it should be a friendly date with no pressure, and definitly do not push for sex. You need to get the close friendhip back. If she won't go out on a date keep trying from time to time. There really isn't a lot more that you can do. She might move to another level with her new friend and face the fact you can not stop that. If there is any hope left she will come back when and if she realizes you truly do care. Keep in mind that in the beginning she will be thinking you are doing all this out of fear of change. If your lucky she will realize you truly love her. Don't be afraid to send her flowers or letters but whatever you do don't smother her, or she will feel like your trying to control her. Best of luck. If you get a chance listen to the song "Buy Me A Rose" by Kenney Rodgers
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 The truth of the matter is that in a marriage, the men settles down ,takes her for granted and does not give the women more attentions.
She craves the attention and when she does not gets it , she looks for it outside of marriage.
The best thing is to woo her and make her feel loved and the attentions she needs.
She has attention deficit syndrome.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (8 March 2008):
 You are right to both come to the decision she's best going back to her parents to sort her head out, this will be good for both of you, this will give you time to be without her and you might find out somethings you don't realise now.
You've been together a long time and will always love each other in some way even if its not in love or the love that causes you to want to be together as a couple.
She gave you respect to be honest about this other guy but at the same time you've got to work out whether if you two can sort this will you be able to trust her again? Will you be able to get over that she was seeing someone else behind your back and feeling feelings she should be feeling for you for someone else?
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