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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: It seems like everyone wants me to end things with my boyfriend, and that only I can see how amazing he is to me. I feel like I'm losing everyone, family and friends, over this. Please help me!So some background on the situation. I knew my boyfriend through friends a few years ago. I was with someone else then, and since then I have only been with my boyfriend. My ex was perfect for my family, but he didn't really thrill me or show that he loved me at all. He had a good job and he was a perfect gent in regards to paying for things and manners ect. He just never did anything for me that was just for me, or he never went out of his way to make things happen for us. It was always down to me such as that, so when things ended I wasn't really upset. He remained friends with my aunt, (who raised me) and because of that she is always telling me about what he is up to and reminding me he is still single. Sometimes in front of my boyfriend, which pisses him off.Now my boyfriend isn't a perfect person. He has a history of drugs, and he has been arrested once for stealing a car when he was younger. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and he has a reputation for fighting. However this was years ago, and now he is a dad he has truly settled down. He goes to work, pays his own way, helps out his ex with his daughter and her other two children at times! I have never known him take drugs in the year we have been together and he has always made an effort with my family and friends. He recently help me find a new job when I lost mine, working with at his sisters cafe until I found something else. He even paid for my niece's birthday present because at the time I couldn't spare much money for something. He never once asked for the money back, and even when I told my sister, she didn't thank him, just me.I feel at times that if I upset my aunt and uncle that I'm almost betraying them after they took me from a bad home and raised me since I was 9. I don't want to disappoint them but they won't give my boyfriend the time of day due to what they have heard about him. He was honest with everything to me so nothing came as a surprise.My friends, mostly girls, don't like him because of what they knew him to be like when we first came into contact with him. I love him, I can see he has changed from a boy to a man but no one I love or care about is willing to give him a chance. Now it's like I can go places with them but not if he comes, or if we move in together they won't come to my house, I will have to go alone to their house. Advice?!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 If he's the same age you are then his past isn't all that far behind him, so I can understand people's concerns. However if they aren't giving you ultimatums them leave them to their opinions.
With the negative comments people make about him, I imagine you feel pressured to speak up for him, but ease up on that. Defending him too much tells other people that their opinions are important which encourages them to share them more often. Secondly, if you appear blinded by love, your friends and family won't trust your judgement which will invite further intrusions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): OP it's a part of his package you have to accept. When you have a past such as his, people will think he's bad news. It's not up to you to change people's minds and you couldn't even if you tried.
You accept his past which is fine, you get to choose who you date but they also get to choose who they accept in their lives.
In time some of them may accept it once he's proven himself to them, but not all of them will. As long as they're not making it a choice between them and him then I don't see any problem here, and no, them wanting you to visit them alone is not them making you choose.
OP people who have done what your boyfriend has done have to accept that some bridges are permanently burned and as his partner you do too. Just because you love him that doesn't give you the right to force him on them or get pissed off if they don't accept him. They'll learn to accept your relationship, but they don't have to accept him into their lives.
OP this is nothing to do with your ex and this is not against you either, even though you seem to think they'll only accept you having a boyfriend they like it's nothing like that. They'll accept someone who they believe can be good to you, and if you're honest with yourself you'll realise he still has all that to prove to them still. Because of his past he has to work extra hard to prove that and you have to be patient because it's going to take a while.
You're not betraying anyone, you're not disappointing anyone they're just concerned about your relationship with him. That's what family do.
If he's as great and reformed as you believe he is then they'll eventually see that. But you have to respect their wishes about keeping them away from him until that time.
You need to be patient, OP, and if you can't accept their views on him when you talk to them about him then stop bringing him up in conversation.
It's perfectly reasonable for family to be protective of you and it's not unfair for them to want to keep him away when his company is not welcome.
Be careful not to try and force this. It would be rude to bring someone people don't like with you just because he's your boyfriend. They'll see him around with you and get used to the idea better if you're not forcing them to pretend to be nice to a guy they don't like.
Patience. If you can't handle your family and friends views on him then this is going to be a very tough time for you and you may end up in unnecessary drama. Just accept their views, work around them and be patient and they'll come around. In time if he stays clean and crime free then they'll get over it and he can be more of a part of that side of your life.
I've seen people lose very good friends because they wanted everyone to like their boyfriend and they upset, hard arguments etc.
You're asking people to accept a violent, junkie thief. That's a hell of a combination don't you think? Well that's why it's going to take a while and for some not to accept it at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): "Now my boyfriend isn't a perfect person. He has a history of drugs, and he has been arrested once for stealing a car when he was younger. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and he has a reputation for fighting."
If this is true, they have a good reason not to trust or like him; and it is only because they love you and fear for your well-being that they refuse to like him.
They don't see his day to day kindness, and they don't have the feelings you have. You like many other young women with the " Bad-boy Complex" become very protective of their rescue boyfriends. His criminal past doesn't mean he hasn't atoned for all his mistakes; but someone has to be uninfluenced by his charms. That's usually our friends and family who love us. You feelings may filter-out his past; and you're in a state of bliss. You family can remain more objective and watch him from the outside. That to your benefit and protection. Anyway you look at it.
Truth is they don't have to like him. He's your choice, not theirs. He doesn't come with the best of credentials no matter how wonderful he seems to you. Only time will tell and may change their opinions of him. Meanwhile, do your best not to be isolated or alienated from your loved-ones.
All too often foolish girls put boyfriends before blood, and only live to regret it. They will always be there for you and in your life. No matter how many boyfriends come and go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): Only with time and patience can he rewrite his reputation. Patience on your part as well.
Good luck!
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