A
male
age
36-40,
*ndesireableNo1
writes:Hi all,Having an issue due to the aftermath of my last thread. [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-provide-the-storybook-life-she-wants.html ]I was going out with a girl for four years. She is very insecure and likes things her own way. We broke up two months ago becase I got a job 30 miles away and would be in a different city on a temporary basis monday to friday (i have since finished the contract).Ever since she continues to come to my friends houses. Because of this my friends are stuck in the middle and I believe I will loose them because of this situation.She has no friends of her own and has given one of my friend 15 pairs of shoes and 20 handbags for free. I fear that my friend cannot see through what she is trying to do i.e. buy their friendship.I dont believe I should stop seeing my friends as I have known them for over 20 years but I know I'm in no position to tell my friends they can't see her either. However everyone I know is telling me "they cant understand why she keeps hanging around".She is 30 YOA and i threw her a 30th party a few months back. There were 80 attendees, all my friends, because she dosnt have any.I dont intend on getting back together with her. She was just with me to get a house and to get away from her own family.I have mixed fealings of anger and depression because of this, but I know I have them.I have looked into the fact that she might have "BPD" but havent mentioned this to anyone.What do I do with this situation?Thanks in advance UDN1
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Hi , I'm the mental health nurse from the previous post .. To begin with only children tell children they can't talk or play with their friends .. So lets not be silly . of course, she will still talk or see your friends from time time if you adapt a plan for her to reach out to other people, this will decrease as time goes on.. Example.. I have a niece who is now 22. When she was eighteen she was pretty shy, left school with no friends .. As I used to go out quite regularly within a group I included her.. My friends adored her but we were 30 and she was 18teen quite a diffidence in age group.. So my plan was thus, we went to the local gym and to pubs and I'm quite chatty, and socialable .. Find it easy to engage people and we got talking to different groups of all ages and i would get my niece involved . Sometimes it would me my niece and just I or with another few of my friends etc and we got chatting to a group of girls near my nieces age of course after a while they said why don't we all met up, which we did . We went to a local disco , that normal 21 ish and I said to my niece and new group that though I don't look my age that this wasn't my thing lol lol So next time she went with the group herself it was a transion from one group to another . Now if we see them in the pub they still come over, we still talk etc their welcome to sit etc . In case of your ex gf you may have to do something similar, go out in a group, (and no you don't tell her she can't see your mates . As technically they are hers as well) and engage her in conversations with other females with whom she can socialize with.. Encourage her to develop her confidence at work, home... To engage people in conversations . Go for work lunches .. Go to any work social do's . It is going to be a lot of hard work.Or simple share your friends? Now for reading up and diagnosing someone that is a big 'no no' because if your putting it here then certainly you are referring like this to your friends ( please stop it) I feel for you both.. But your gf sounds not like a bad person.. Just someone who doesn't have the confidence and belief in herself .. And being honest 'you enabled this and 'you loved her at one point, flaws and all' remember she is not the enemy only your ex .. Who does seem to need some support in gaining the steps to move on to a certain degree. Take care x
A
male
reader, UndesireableNo1 +, writes (14 July 2013):
UndesireableNo1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far guys. I'll cover some of yours here."What makes you feel she has a borderline personality disorder?"I was going through the net where an OP was having the same issue some years back. A comment made in answer to the issue was exactly that i.e. did the person in question have BPD. It wasn't a personal diagnosis I came up with, just something that seemed to make sense when I read it.I do agree with you where I provided her with a friend network and do believe I am at fault for getting her too involved with everyone. Also yes, Some friends did just put up with her."I do feel you have enabled her to become to reliant on you and you might need to help her as a friend even to find other friends and activities outside your and hers friendship area "This is exactly what I was thinking, but I don't know how to move forward with this plan because as mentioned earlier she is very insecure and will become to reliant on someone she believes she has a connection with. An example for me is when we started going out she wanted to get an apartment on her own, but a month after we were going out she said to me "I want to get a house with you now" This did raise alarm bells with me.Also forgive my ignorance but does help her to find other friends not conflict with me not being able to tell her she cant see my friends?"you can't just expect to cut the cord and expect her to just get lost."I know this and know I'm being selfish for thinking it also, Im just in the mindset of "why should I distance myself from people I introduced her to". I'm afraid TBH that she wont get over the situation unless she does distance herself or as you said unless I do. One issue I believe she has and it may be an underlining issue as you say is that she is very institutionalized in respect of for example she has never explored the world(or done things) on her own, gone on a girls holiday, she has had the same job since leaving school, has a daily routine that she never breaks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I completely agree with the answer from the mental heath nurse. I am currently studying to be a psychotherapist btw. Anyway, your answer was very well put! Just a compliment :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): The thing is out of 80 attendees, she will have clicked with some of them and hopefully will have made some genuine good friends, who will hopefully be good for her. Like you say, you can't decide who she does and doesn't see, and people make their own decisions on how they want to deal with people. She's lonely a d insecure definitely and I wouldn't be hurtful or anything, maybe say you're really busy with work and distance yourself, and mention to the others that she's delicate. It's up to them how they want to deal with her after this. Observe how they treat her and decide if you really even want to be close with them...If you distance yourself from her she may feel awkward about talking to your friends as much. But remember, like the last poster said you have provided her with a large friend network and you can't just expect to cut the cord and expect her to just get lost... I think you made the mistake of staying with her this long tbh, so you'll just have to deal with this delicately and talk to your friends, hopefully they'll show some tact and compassion, but if they really can't stick her, she'll unfortunately eventually get the hint :/ Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): You'll have to talk to your friends directly about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): What makes you feel she has a borderline personality disorder ? I'm a mental health nurse and that is a very bold statement to make.Giving your friends shoes and handbags do not make her a bad person in my view this makes her very lonely, kind , insecure who feel she has to buy people affections . I think this is very complex in the fact that in the years spent together . You have provided her with a friend network . Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean her friendship with the friends .. You introduced her too does ? Can you see my reasoning ? I think you have to maybe see her with a friend whom you both trust . Make it plain this isn't about getting back together but moving forward. Clearly the girl has some underlying issues and I can't comment on them as there isn't enough in your thread to go on. I do feel you have enabled her to become to reliant on you and you might need to help her as a friend even to find other friends and activities outside your and hers friendship area My husband had friends, who I clearly are now as my friends too .. And I don't know what friends are asking why she hanging around, clearly by saying that they are implying that really they just put up with your gf at that time, am I right in thinking that ? .And if that is the case then i can't help think what two faced friends you have .If your feeling low depressed due to the relationship and its break up. I would recommend a gp visit to help you find your feet and any therapy you may need Take care x
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