A
female
age
41-50,
*adlib
writes:My ex girlfriend read my texts and is now not talking to me, how should i respond or react? We still live together in a 2br and are good friends, and we have that kind of relationship where we are friends with the occasional benefits....well she went through either through my phone texts or my journal last night because she randomly came in to my room at midnight and said she had to get something off her chest...that she has read something that made her feel like her heart was broken all over again and that she needs to re-evaluate the kind of relationship she wants to have with me-if any. I looked and all i could find was some texts I sent to a friend 2.5 months ago when we had a big argument and I thought that she was being unreasonable and somewhat emotionally abusive.Part of the reason why we broke up in the first place was because she did not trust me-i didn't cheat, she just disagreed with my belief that it is ok to talk to your close friends about your relationship, especially when you are hurt or upset..she felt that i should have kept my feelings to myself like her and not talk to my friends about her or us in general...she had gone through my texts then and said she felt betrayed. Through the course of our relationship trust and respect and control issues were the problem, so we broke up 8 months ago. We have continued to try and live with each other and things have been going great the last two months..we have developed a close friendship and yes occaionally we have sex, but it is not intimate, more like friends with benefits..we also sometimes just sleep with each other for comfort and company, not to fool around or anything..and she is currently looking to buy a house out of state so this rooming issue will probably be over sometime this new year...long story short, I left to go and hang out with one of my friends who I haven't seen in a bit and she was in a great mood, but when i got home she was surly and distant. I greeted her and took a shower and when I went to go crawl in to bed with her because it has been incredibly cold she implied not for the evening....I went in to my bed not thinking anything bad and then she came in an hour later to wake me up to say that she just wanted to get something off her chest...she "read something" that feels like she broke her heart all over again, and that she needs to reassess the type of relationship she wants to have with me, if any. I am half awake and basically in shock and don't say much because I am still processing...she goes back to her room and then calls me on the phone to ask if i am always never going to approach her about issues(that is something she disliked about me in our relationship, she felt that after a fight she always had to come to me to talk...although, all our fights were some issue she had about me and 3/4 of the time were left with her having the issue and control of the conversation/judging me in the conversation so rarely did I feel it was appropriate or allowable for me to come to her after a fight). While on the phone she implies that she wants to tell me why she has drawn these feelings suddenly but she doesn't want to make matters worse. I am dumbfounded and obviously assume she must have either read my diary or went in to my phone....i did notice that my phone was not plugged in and charging like how i left it when i went in to the shower....I have been trying to practice the laws of attraction and positivity...so i asses in my head not to over-react but to accept her feelings...i tell her that she feels the way she feels for a reason...it isn't my job to change the way she feels and if she needs to take time to asses those feelings i understand...i said that she should trust her gut and not talk about whatever it is that her gut is telling her not to bring up because it is doing so for a reason...i then say that it isn't necessarily fair for her to start accusing me of not caring or not attempting to fix this when a) i don't know what it is about and b) i need time to take this all in!..I ask her what she wants becuase she is treating me like her girlfriend, not her friend, and this reaction right now is indicative of why I don't come rushing over trying to fix everything, not when I am facing an unstable tornado...I also say that it saddens me to think she feels this way, but she is the one feeling this way and that is valid so I accept that she is upset over something i must have wrote, but that it sounds like she needs to figure out what is going on in her head because i am not hearing much but a lot of anger and hurt and indecision about what she wants to talk or do about the situation......she starts to get judgmental and a bit hostile by saying i don't care and that I am blaming this all on her which starts to make me edgy and defensive and i nip it in the bud and say ok...we should end this conversation for the night because it isn't going anywhere good or productive..and then i put the phone down(yes, she calls me from her room next to mine), and I start going through my phone to see what possibly could have set her off....I came across some texts from the beginning of November when we had a crazy fight and she freaked out on me and was being really emotionally abusive and mean and I was texting a friend about it because I was really hurt and sad feeling exceptionally down. I was using words like narcissist, controlling, abusive....but at the same time as I reviewed this last night I am thinking...what the hell was she doing going through my phone? She had to load a lot of earlier messages and back track on my phone to even get there...she was purposely looking for something to sabotage our relationship and knowing that I talk to my friends when I am upset, she knew if she kept digging she would find something that would be upsetting to read....and I don't even know how to react to all of that!I appreciate her and enjoy our time together when we are happy and having fun, but this craziness seems more girlfriend-like than friend-like and at the same time I unfortunately am financially unable to just move out and get away from this situation. I need some clarity about this and I also want to approach it as positively as I possibly can for my own peace of mind!
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broke up, emotionally abusive, ex girlfriend, friend with benefits, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): you're wanting it both ways.the chaos will stop once you decide what you want.friend or lover?
tina
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): You're creating your own problem. It's definitely not her. You see you want it both ways. You only want her as a friend, but you're using her for sex which means more to her than you. She's sees sex like she's your girlfriend. If you want the drama to end, then stop causing the confusion and decide what you want with her. If you are serious about just being her friend than go elsewhere for sex and stop using her for it because that's not being her friend. She has a right to be upset. I feel for her. Straighten your act up and stop being so selfish. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Shame on you!
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