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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello everybody. Here goes.I split up with my ex about 6 months ago. It turned out she was having an affair. I basically lost everything. She now lives with him in our flat, etc. The thing is I'm not bothered about this and I'll tell you why.I've known this other girl for about 10 years. I hadn't seen her for a long time. Anyway, we went out and we really hit it off. One thing led to another and we started a relationship and we've been seeing each other for a few months.But my ex found out about a month ago and ever since has made our life complete hell. She found out all about her and eventually was able to contact her. She told my new girlfriend an absolute pack of lies. That when I wasn't my new girlfiend I was going behind her back with my ex. That I had the affair even though I've proved to my new girlfriend she was having the affair. But my new girlfriend always has doubt now. Like I said up until about a month ago everything was brilliant. We were practically inseperable. I fell in love with her and she did with me. It was great. But now we are always arguing. When I'm not with her she phones asking who I'm with. The thing is it's turned into a vicious circle. Because I don't see her as much as I use to because we argue. But then she phones freaking out. Anyway a few days ago she said she couldn't be with me anymore because there had been this drama so early on in our relationship. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and I respected her decision, but she went wild. She said if I really loved her I'd fight for her. I know now she was testing me. Since then she said okay, lets just be friends. But I've seen more of her and heard more from her in the past few days than I have in the past few weeks.Then last night she asked if she could stay at mines. I said I didn't know if that was a good idea because she told me she just wanted to be friends and I told her I loved her and I didn't know if I was ready for that so soon. Again she got all upset and said she didn't know if she could just be friends with me because she loved me so much. I've agreed to let her stay. And she said maybe we can try again but take it slowly. She feels that things are such a mess with us and just wants things to how they use to be. I've told her if you want to do that then we need to spend more time together to give her peace of mind.But what do I do? Am I just saying and doing the wrong things? Not what she wants to hear. Do I just call it a day? Or do I stand and fight for her? But my ex keeps rearing her ugly head. We've even had the police involved to leave us alone. Do I just ride the storm?Please help!Thanks to everyone in advance.
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affair, fell in love, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I think YOU need to take some time being single and figure out who you are and what you really want. STOP letting all these ladies use you as a door mat.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): the first female anonymous person gave you terrible advice. Don't try and ruin your ex-girlfriends relationship thats what she wants. Don't give her any reaction at all. I get why your new girlfriend would be upset but she sounds childish too. She is testing you by breaking up with you and seeing if you will beg for her to stay? That's little girl stuff. My best advise is straight up ignore your ex and stay single for awhile. Maybe if you still love this other girl (not your ex) you guys can try again, but i would stay away from her and your ex for now.
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female
reader, Reggina7  +, writes (31 January 2011):
I couldn't agree more with what cerberus said. I have been in your current girlfriend's shoes when you fall in love with someone and then all hell breaks loose. Of course she will be on the defensive. Of course she will feel insecure and just like cerberus said, now is not the time to be feeding her insecurities. A lukewarm response from you can be nisinterpreted as lack of interest on your part and you don't want to come across as an indecisive person. As I said, I have lived through a very similar scenario and for me just suspecting that the man in question probably did want to work things out with me was sadly not enough. So I gave up. Who lost and who gained, history will tell as they say but don't let your story join my story and so many others with a broken happy end for no good reason. Take matters into your own hands and take action. You've got enough friends, you don't need your ex as a friend at least not for a very long time until emotions have once and for all settled. Cut her out, you don't have to be a jerk about it even though she gave you reasons to be but do it. Then sweep the girl you love off her feet. Communicate with her don't let any issues unaddressed. Do what it takes to make her feel safe again. Life is strange, in the end it may be worth it, it may be not (as you see from experience with your ex, love has no guarantees) but why waste an opportunity for a fresh start with someone who not only hasn't hurt you but also indicated that she likes you enough to endure all this drama? Take a chance. I wish more people would. Keep us posted OP I want to see a happy end!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Let this controlling man go and don't jump into a rebound with the nice guy. You sound like you could use some time to get to know yourself as an individual before being in another relationship
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): No, you don't just ride the storm.
Dude you're a mess, please don't take offence and don't feel bad but you're a pushover.
It's time to stand up and fight.
Fight for this new relationship, fight against your ex and regain some dignity and pride.
Your new girl has made it clear that she wants to be with you, she has made it clear despite the drama she wants you to fight for her, so fecking do it man. Pursue her like a randy dog.
Time to fight back against your ex too.
It seems to me like you lost everything to your ex because you're so quick to walk away, you just want an easy life with no drama. That's admirable and I think it's what most sane people want, but when someone brings drama your way, when someone tries to push you around you have to become vicious. Look OP you might think you're one of these people that's just easy going, that is respectful and doesn't like conflict but I can tell you that's bullshit.
Get a restraining order against your ex. Every time she contacts your girlfriend call the cops, and keep the evidence. Build a case against the bitch. She is not going to stop this because she knows you won't react in any way that will stop her because she thinks you're a pushover, time to bare your teeth and show her what really happens when you're backed into a corner.
Do not call her or contact her, ever, about anything. She's a lying, scheming bitch and that will just play into her hands.
Seriously man. Read through your answer again, from my perspective from the perspective of a stranger. That post looks like the post of a whimpering weak little soppy puppy. "I don't think this is a good idea" "but you said just friends" "maybe" "we can try" "if you want to" do you see the pattern here? Where's the confidence, where's the control, where's your power? You're just a bag of indecision that is so wrapped up in trying to give women what they want that you don't actually take what you want. You're so confused because you're trying to do what's best for her but all she wants is for you to take control, to take her, to desire her.
You need to take control, do you want this new girl? Then no more if's or buts, not more "I don't know" or "maybe". No more of this trying to give her everything she wants crap. Time to start stepping up and dominating proceedings, taking control, how is she supposed to feel safe in a relationship with a guy who is quick to give in. Who is letting his ex walk all over him and is so indecisive that it just looks like you don't care.
That last part is the worst of all man, because no matter how much you say you do, you don't care. If you did care then there's no way you'd want her "to be happy" without you, there is no way you'd accept "just being friends" If you cared there would be no indecision.
So just do it, stop whining and get her, stop whining and put your ex in her place. But do it quickly, make your decision and do not doubt it for a second. This girl wants you to take control, to take her and not let go because she loves you.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Your girlfriend is getting mixed messages all the time. She's listened to your ex telling her lies, there should have been absolutely no communication between them and you must try not to let her do that again, cut all ties with your ex. Your girlfriend has trust issues, for obvious reasons. She was testing you and you should have been more stronger to make her realize you are serious about her. She will need a lot of reassurance over the next few months, keep at it all the time, convince her y ou mean business. That's what she will want. So yes, i would say 'ride the storm as well'.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): I cannot blame your girlfriend for believing your ex, you do hear a lot about men who go back to sleep with an ex. It is really sad but how did your ex get in touch with your girlfriend? If I was you I try wreck her and her boyfriend relationship. How can you make your relationship better with your girlfriend? Get the ex totally out of your life! she will ruin this relationship and has nearly done it. She is evil, don't let her do it
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