A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just a quick question about my ex and my children. I had to take my ex to court in order to see my children. I have a good arrangement now and I love having my children. However I always set up really good weekends when I have them, proper family time - but just recently my ex has been telling me the night before that the children have this to do and that to do which she organises. Don’t get me wrong, I always do this to appease her, but now it’s just not getting me any time with my children. I have asked my ex to give me notice, but she won’t - she will then go to my children that I am useless, don’t care etc, which I do. I love my children more than life, but I need to spend time with them sometimes doing family stuff. I have let the children bring friends to my house, but every other weekend? If I say no, all I get from my children is that ‘I don’t care’ or something else that’s wrong that their mother feeds them. My ex has also stopped the children from seeing their grandmother - she told my daughter to stop pining after her granny, that granny wished she was dead. Now my daughter won’t soeak to her. I just don’t know what to do.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 July 2018):
 I do honestly feel awful for you, it sounds like she is bitter you have moved on and unfortunately she is using the children against you. Totally unfair and every mother (or father) should put there children before there own feelings and relationship! Please do go and seek advice over it as it is not fair they are still your children!
The only bit of reassurance I can offer is children do pick up on these things and when they get older they will realise what is going on. Just show them all the love and attention in the world when you do get to see them and hopefully that is what they will remember.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018): Thank you for your response.
It’s a really hard situation, I just never know what to say or do.
The Mother is her mum, not mine.
She even stopped my children coming to my wedding, which the children now accept as nomal. A holiday is bigger and better to children rather then their fathers wedding.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 July 2018):
Oh I really hate it when parents use there children as weapons. She is a selfish human who is putting her own feelings ahead of the children's! I also agree that you should revisit the court order and have some mediation this cannot go on.
I can only imagine how frustrated you are, but no matter how bad it gets never talk badly about there mother in front of them, be the bigger parent! All you can do is to reassure your children that you love them and show them that you care. Children learn quickly so it won't be long before they pick up on what is going on. If there mother has organized activities for them on your time then sit your children down and ask them would they like to do it or would they like family time, at least this way you are giving them a choice.
I assume it is your mother she has stopped them from seeing, if this is the case can she not come visit when you have the children? She has rights as a grandparent as well. It is good to hear that they get on with your wife that is half the battle. However it really is not fair on you or the children to have to listen to there mother put you down. I would contact your solicitor about you and your mothers rights.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 July 2018):
 Definitely, look into a mediator (court appointed) maybe what you need is to re-hash the visitation arrangement.
It does (from what you write) sound like she does this to create drama and lash out at you. Why she does it is. however, irrelevant - it just needs to stop. She isn't going to stop if you cater to her drama and whims or tell her this isn't fair. I think SHE needs to be told by someone with "authority".
Don't give up. Your children needs you as much as they need her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): Thank you for your advice. I have taken my ex to court a few years ago and I also set up our Social Care to help, however because the children go to school, dressed and taken care off, the court ruled that I should be given access instead of full custody. I am now married and have been with my wife for over 8 years who the children adore. The only reason why she is doing this is because she just enjoys being difficult. As I said before, I don’t mind at all taking my children to appointments, activities etc, seeing friends, but this is every time I have them with no notice at all. It is my wife’s birthday and we had organised a family time for her with the children involved, now I have been told my daughter has an activity in the evening which puts a stop to all that - I would understand if it was a one off, but this happens every time. My wife and ex actually get on (my wife always shows compassion to my ex for the sake of the children), it’s just my ex enjoys being difficult. As for their Grandmother, she writes to them every weekend, showing her love to them. I try to talk to them about it, but because Mum has told them not to say anything to anyone about it, they simply won’t speak. Thank you for reading.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): What she's actually doing is poisoning the children against herself. It doesn't take long before children begin to figure-out when something isn't right. They believe what they see with their own eyes; before they listen to things they know she's saying, because she's bitter and angry with you.
Turning them against their grandmother and everyone they love will start to raise a lot of questions. You're not holding a lot of faith in your children. If you've been a loving, dedicated, and consistent father; while fighting for them. No matter what she says, will change how they love you. She can make them not want to see you; but to make them stop loving you, will be a big challenge. They will want to know why, and she will have to prove it. Words aren't enough.
Psychologically, she's brow-beating them into submission. At this point, it's time to take it back to court. If possible; get your kids into some family-counseling. Explaining through your attorney you fear she's stressing them with her own personal-issues; and you want to be sure they're okay.
If she keeps this up, they are going to start showing signs of anxiety; and will start to act-out, or have night-terrors.
If she is stepping-up action to turn your kids against you; would I be wrong to suspect that you are seeing someone right-now? This is the typical reaction and behavior of a scorned-woman. If they are aware you have a new girlfriend; the balance will tilt in her favor. They will side with her, and protect her. Not based solely on what she says; but because they don't like seeing her hurting, because of you.
If you're paying your child-support on a timely-basis; and the court is aware you are making every effort to see and co-parent your children. They will be more sympathetic to your concerns; and will support your paternal-right to see your children.
Children are at the mercy of adults. When turning them into pawns, you can do some serious psychological-damage. They already have to deal with the separation of their parents. If she's getting bitter and nasty; then it's time you seek full-custody!
Maybe it's time to put her on notice, let her know that you're ready to takeover parenting; if she can't pull it together and be civil. Not for you, but for the sake of the children! You're separated by divorce, or whatever reasons; and how she feels about that is irrelevant as far as the children are concerned. She should be helping them to cope and recover. Offering them the most stable and safe home-environment humanly-possible. THEY ARE YOUR KIDS TOO!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2018):
I would seek legal advice here, OP
This is not OK.
While you CAN NOT control what she does and says, you CAN control whether you GET your time with the kids or not. It does mean you might have to take her to court. Or find a mediator to sort this out.
And you DO NOT have to let them bring friends. If your kids pull the I don't care, tell them that's OK but you get so little time with them as it is and you want to spend time with THEM not entertain their friends too.
How old are the kids?
For now, I would go for the lawyer/mediator and see what comes of it.
As for your mom, that is just sad. If it IS true that your ex is feeding the kids this kind of stuff... have you considered trying for full custody? I mean what else kind of shit is she filling the kids with?
She shouldn't be in charge of how you see the kids and when. That should be layed out already and SHE needs to comply. The KIDS shouldn't be in charge either. They can see their friends when they are at their mom's. Now every now and then IF you want to, they can bring friend/have friends over. BUT this is YOUR time to spend with YOUR kids.
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