A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 3 years ago, I met a man. I'll be completely honest, things weren't always the best and by the end, I was pretty low. He broke my heart. At the time, I was at a very tumultuous phase anyway. I was finishing my undergrad and had no idea where to go next. Here it is, a year and a half later and I have a clear path and stronger spirit. I feel I'm going in a very good direction and I haven't felt this amazing in a long time. I've been single for a year and a half, but not truly single since there were a few guys I did see. But I have a new found self-respect and I know what i deserve.Also, I knew I needed to give myself time to heal.With that being said, lately I've been thinking about my ex . I have made peace with what happened between us and I can't help but reflect on us. Things got shaky because we were at different places in our lives. He's older and was thinking a lot about settling down. I was a party girl and though I was unhappy with that, I wasn't ready to be responsible and settle down. I was confused. He was lonely. Eventually he cheated. I had too, but he didn't know. The greater issue was the simple fact that he was ready to settle down and I seemed headed in another direction. Now, I'm at a point where my life is together and I want to settle down.I can't seem to get him off my mind. I want to contact him, but I haven't the slightest Idea where to begin. Does anyone have a similar experience or advice of any kind?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): All this time you've had unfinished business. Things just didn't end in a way that your mind found closure. You've held on to regret and guilt.
Before you do anything, you have to forgive yourself and stop assuming all the blame for what happened during a youthful period in your life. Our college years are the years of our growth, and getting it all out of our system.
You were not being foolish or irresponsible, you were enjoying life. If you were doing otherwise; you would have had a very different outcome from what you have now. You had some fun and have good memories to enjoy.
I can understand why emotion will create a picture in your mind of a joyous reunion, and possibly some rekindling of the feelings you had in the past. Snap back to reality.
If the years have changed you, they have also changed him.
Nostalgia always brings us back to the simpler times and a first love. Adulthood tells us to look back only in fond memory of the past; but it compels us to move forward.
You've postponed love to seek your dreams. Now you want to look back to him for what you had. That was the past. This is the present. If he didn't come looking for you, it's because he's over you.
You are romanticizing, and that clouds your better judgement. I see how emotion drives you to seek some sort of closure. To see if you could pick up where you left off.
That only happens in the movies.
This is real life. He had to work to bury the past, go through the grief of loss, and finally accept that it was over. He has had the chance to move on in his life. You may reopen wounds you thought had healed; and forced pain long suffered and buried, to resurface for both of you. You've both grown up now.
I know how much life is influenced by the movies; romanticized depictions of how people go back to search for a lost love.
In reality, you have to look at the big picture. He may have held on to resentment toward you. He may have a woman in his life already. You will set your feelings up for a huge letdown. He may not be the guy he used to be at all. Something you may not want to see. Hardships can change people in a matter of weeks.
I know the ladies see it more emotionally, and say go and find out what's he's doing. Don't do that to yourself. Let it be. Move on and free your heart to find someone new and start fresh.
You will start an emotional obsession that you'll wish you never fueled. Your mind may delude you into creating grand scenarios that may never materialize. He might be happy to see you, that doesn't mean he'll feel anything for you.
You're young, well-educated, and you're prepared for the future. My dear, it may not be anything like the picture fantasy has created in your head. It's not worth the risk.
Look him up when there are no longer any romantic feelings attached. Then it will be more like looking up an old classmate or friend. Not a lost love.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I think it's fine to contact him so you don't have to wonder about the what ifs. Before you do that you could check his facebook to see his status and pictures. If he is attached then you can stop thinking about him and move on. If he is single and is still living near you, you can suggest meeting up for coffee and just updating your life in general. At best you will know that he is still thinking about you. Or he tells you he can see you as a friend.
It can sound like a romance novel to wish that you can rewrite your past and go back to where you left off. You had history together and being with him again would be more comfortable than starting over with a stranger. The purpose of the meeting should be simple, just to see the feel of him again. Maybe in reality he became so different compared to the past. You can change to become better, or change into another person that neither of you recognize. An example would be, he used to think that marriage is everyone's goal and now he doesn't believe in it and just want to enjoy single life. Everything is possible and you never know. Maybe he's the same, but he moved on from the relationship completely.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (25 September 2013):
I am sure what you just told millions of people here would be a excellent text to him but you may want to change or modify what you said. He does not have to know about the affair you had. My only warning to you about all this is that there is a good possibility that he may have found another woman who wanted what he wanted at the time. Like you said you were the party girl and i know my girlfriend wouldn't agree with this but i know its the 21st century and still men probably wouldn't take home the party girl to meet mamma and papa.But if he is still single you are going to really have to demonstrate that your not the old bar fly of previous years and that you know you want what he wants. But yes some men do change and you could be in for a real surprise. Maybe not though. My final thought on all this and my girlfriend has just interjected by saying be honest. Tell him what you just told everybody on dear cupid. And if you really mean what you just said then you should do something really special to win him back. But be prepared for the ultimate climax and it may not be what you want to hear? And if it does not work out by words of your own omission you may or will learn a very valuable life lesson. I know several friends and couples who went through what you did. It worked out for some and it didn't work out for others and you might have to pick up the pieces with your newly discovered self confidence and start over looking for that special man. Good-luck, be strong and hold your head high..
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