A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I would like to get some advice on if I made the right decisions regarding my ex boyfriend. I am 22, he is 25. We were together 3 years and were friends for about 1 year before. All together I knew him for about 4 years, which is quite a long time. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 5 months ago. We were in the process of working things out and fixing our relationship. We were doing this because him and I were having some problems regarding a new female friend of his, they were becoming close, texting often, talking about personal matters like their past relationships, their emotional issues, etc. I was getting worried and skeptical about her, but at the same time I trusted my boyfriend and didn't want to start any problems or upset him. He told me I had nothing to worry about, that she was just a friend, and that he wasn't into her that way. But this situation ended up turning into fights, which caused more problems with us. Despite me continuing to try and understand what was going on with this other woman and his feelings, and trying to work on our relationship, he eventually told me our relationship was no longer working, he felt we lost our connection, and he just wanted to do his own thing. He started sleeping with this woman within weeks after our break up, and they have been in a relationship together for the last couple of months.My ex texted me a few days ago asking if we could 'talk'. So we did and he just went on about how he was sorry for everything, that he messed up and felt terrible for how he treated me, etc. And that he still cares about me as a friend and sees me as a good person. But the thing is he hurt me (even though he says he didn't mean to) and has moved on with his life and is in a relationship, so it boggles my mind why after several months, he decides to reach out to me now all nice and friendly, when he treated me badly when he broke up with me. He was very angry and upset when he broke up with me, as if I was the one who did wrong. He didn't listen to what I had to say, I even told him I would do anything to make it work with him, and he told me no there was no point as we lost our connection. So I nicely told him that I did not want any contact with him, and I saw no point in staying friends, especially when he has a new girlfriend and was nasty with me when we broke up. He got upset saying I did not care about him enough to keep him in my life and that he's not the 'monster' I think of him as. I just don't understand where he's coming from at all. His 2 close friends have called me a bitch because I don't want anything to do with him anymore after all him and I been through. Everyone thinks I'm holding a grudge and I'm the bad guy because I don't want to be all buddy buddy with my ex. Apparently he's going around telling people he still cares about me and wants a friendship but I'm being a bitch by shutting him out and not caring.I really did love my ex boyfriend, and I don't see him as a bad guy, but why would I want to stay friends with him when I was dumped, and possibly emotionally cheated on? And why would I want to stay friends with him when I know he's happy and in love with another woman? I don't want to sound immature, but that hurts and I don't want to deal with that. I think I made the right decision by not having anything to do with him, and not putting myself out there to get hurt again. But at the same time I feel selfish and mean because I'm letting 4 years go with someone I was madly in love with and still care about.What do you think? Am I doing the right thing?
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 March 2016):
 All he want is for you to soothe his guilt. What better way than have you do that by remaining friends and show to his friends that he ain't the bad guy he so desperately feels he needs to prove. Newsflash...dickkhead you are. I say more power to you wanting to cut ties instead of being the type of person to hang around trying to make him see sense that you are his ONE and not the cheating cow he has chosen to be with now. Fuck him and fuck his friends I say.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2016): First of all, he ended up with the very female he claimed was only a friend. Then to add insult to injury, he's still with her and intruding on your recovery. Doing his best to keep a foot in the door to keep you from finding someone else. Someone better for you. He had a head start detaching from you; so all this new contact is bullsh*t!
This is all about his male ego, sweetheart. It has nothing to do with you or your feelings. He was a real jerk to be mean to you; and dumped you so he could be with the other female. Someone he already had setup to take your place when he found a way to cut you loose.
"he felt we lost our connection," What a freaking cliche!
As for his friends. You go no-contact with them as well. Especially if they're dropping the B-word on you; like your personal-life is any of their business. Expect that from pea-brained idiots standing up for their jerk of a buddy.
A bunch of limp-dicks ganging-up and kicking a girl when her heart is broken. Real manly!
They usually run in packs and all drink from the same pissy well.
Your best bet is to steer clear of everyone of them. Don't hangout in your old haunts. That's a lame way of trying to run into him or the people he knows. It's more intentional than accidental. You miss him, and find ways to get small doses of the past. That's not healthy when trying to break free of someone. You're still in recovery, until none of this can affect you anymore.
Your boyfriend is not making amends. He's manipulating your emotions. If you don't feel comfortable about it; delete his number, block his calls, avoid his friends, and go live your life. I have a glass of wine in my hand, I raise it to your speedy recovery. Take time off to heal your heart. You're in repair and you don't need this crap right now.
Best of luck, girlfriend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2016): You have made the absolute correct decision. If he cared about you,he'd have shown you more respect than he did whilst you were together by considering your feelings about the other woman AND respected your decision now to go off-contact. Rather, he is going around badmouthing you. Who needs this kind of friendship!
He is selfish and has ulterior motives for wanting you in his life. You're not the selfish one here...you're not "letting go 4 years" rather you are not wasting any more time on this guy.
Don't look back and don't question your decision which is best for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2016):
 Don't worry what HIS friends think of you, or others, for that matter. YOU don't live to make THEM happy. YOUR life is yours and YOU! YES! you, get to choose how you want to live your life.
Don't let your ex manipulate you with his " you don't care enough for him" crap - he isn't wanting "friendship" with you for YOUR sake, he wants it for HIS. Selfish reason. He wants to STOP feeling guilty for what HE did TO YOU. And maybe he also wants to make sure that IF the new girl doesn't work out, he still has you as a "spare". If he can convince you of "friendship... trust me he would try and convince you to "try" again if SHE doesn't work out. That way HE has a GF-safety-net - just like he KEPT dating you while finding and bonding with this new girl and NOT ending it till he decided she was "greener grass".
And you have decided that you DON'T want to be his "spare" or "friend" and you know what OP? THAT is fine! It's not selfish to decide that he no longer DESERVES you in his life. IT's not. It's actually smart, not selfish. It's self preservation, not selfishness. You don't WANT to give him another opportunity to hurt you AGAIN. Quite frankly, he CAN'T promise he won't do that.
Listen to your gut here, or your brains. He blew it with you, as a partner and friend.
Wish him luck, and then block & delete him out of your life while YOU focus on what makes YOU happy!
Chin up. His loss.
I love the saying, there is no such thing as greener grass. There is such a thing as taking CARE of you lawn, making it grow and thrive.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (18 March 2016):
 You made absolutely the correct decision and for all the right reasons. You should not allow his back talking with his friends dissuade you from your decision to keep him away. Just as he decided that he does not want the romantic relationship with you, you also have the prerogative not to accept his offer of a platonic relationship. If he wanted friendship with you he could have had it while dating you.
As for why he is calling you selfish, it is because you refuse to be a backup and on the dog leash while he experiments if his new sex buddy works out. Frankly, I think this dude is past any mercy of reconciliation. Drop and move on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 I think you made the right decision to cut ties. You can't be friends with him just to smooth over whatever guilt he may be feeling. It wouldn't be fair to you or his new girlfriend (who is unlikely to accept you as HER friend too).It's not unusual for people to try to make amends with an ex months later when the dust has settled and tempers cooled. He's had some time to think things through and felt guilty for what he did. Not a good idea to try and keep in touch though.This will all pass. When folks see how calm and matter of fact you are, they'll realise your actions don't match his claims. Just don't waste time and energy trying to explain all this to people. It's none of their business.
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