A
female
age
36-40,
*hPinkyGirl
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 plus years now. He's had a history with depression and has had episodes where he'd leave for several hours or a day. He recently went through a custodial fight with his ex wife over his kids and lost. She took full custody and her current husband is filing for adoption papers. His mother had a stroke recently also but is recovering from it. His father is going through a lot of dialysis treatments. His brother has been very ill recently.So his stress level is at a all time high. On top of that I accused him of flirting with another woman. I threatened to leave him. I believe my accusation caused him to close up. I apologized to him for my actions. He asked for some space. I agreed to give him some... We live together and I'm breaking down completely because he hasn't slept at home for five days now. He's told me that he doesn't deserve me and that he feels worthless. I know his depression is very bad now. He's been going to therapy and I've told him that I'm proud of him for going to therapy and getting him. He told me that there's nothing for me to be proud of him for. He'll come home to take a shower and leave. He only says several words to me, like "I'll call you later" but he never does. I asked him if he still loves me and want to be with me and he said that he does love me and want to be with me but he doesn't know anything right now. He told me that he feels really confused. He says that it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. He told me that he's so unsure about everything right now and that the only thing he is sure of is that he's crazy about me. But I can't help but feel so rejected and unwanted. I'm so unsure right now. I know he needs his space and rationally I know I need to give him some. Rationally I know he does love me and he's going through a lot right now. But emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm breaking apart I don't know what I can do. I know I should take this time to reflect on myself and work on myself but I just can't seem to help it. I love him so much and want to be with him. I don't want to leave him. He's told me that he doesn't want me to leave him but if I did he'd understand. He even said that I should leave cause he is unable to make me happy right now. I told him that I love him too much and will never leave him over something like this. He said thank you. I see him trying but every day and night without him I hurt so much. I feel so lost. I need some sort of hope. I want to hear from anyone whose been through something similar to this and has hopeful stories. I am not going to leave him, especially during a time like this. I just need some help to keep me strong to give him his space. Please help me.
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female
reader, OhPinkyGirl +, writes (1 February 2013):
OhPinkyGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello everyone I'm so appreciative of all the answers and support from you guys. It helped me a lot. Here is an update on my situation in case anyone was wondering. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple weeks after this posting. It has been about a year and a half now. We are back together. After the break up I fell to pieces but after two months of straighten crying every night I told myself I was going to focus on myself. Doing that I was able to be happy by myself. By boyfriend had wanted to get back together after about 6months after our break up and I was the one not ready to get back together. Now we are both more understanding about our relationship. We needed that break up. I hope everyone's situation had a good turn out. Time and space is really the key.
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female
reader, Orchid5  +, writes (30 January 2013):
I just wanted to say this answer before mine really moved me. I felt it related so much to me and has been helpful. Sometimes those like me and others with loved ones suffering from depression, need this constant reminder as it doesn't always sink in. It has been the most hardest thing I have had to go through because so much of it is out of your control and its painful. For me it was a the start of a new relationship and depression developed from his mum's health issues But I admired him going straight into counselling. Whatever the Doctor says he does. I found out from friends that he reclused. But to cut a long story short we are on good terms I respect his space and recently I went 3 weeks of no contact I needed it for me I need to let go of some feelings, and to follow the suggested path. I'm ok he is exercising seems slowly recovering but I don't really see him or hear much although when i contact he engages. So I guess the future who knows in my heart its my wish because if we could get through this and bth want the same thing to start what good foundations to then work at what if there is a relapse etc etc i would take things slowly to build a strong relationship. How hard in life is it to find and build good relationships. What i do know he still finds me attractive when i have bumped into him I can see and he has told me he cares for me and more than once he said he was happy and his face beamed when we were together. I just pray for his health and my desire is us together but he needs to have that wish to. So i am focusing on me my own goals and things to work on. Wish all the best with their loved ones and good health
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Hi.
Hmmm this is tricky. I am in a similar situation myself. My GF of 1 year is going through the final part of her divorce right now. I've been through mine 3 years ago. I did not address my own insecurities at the time of my divorce. When my GF hit me with this I felt like I was hit by a steam train. It brought me back to where I was 3 years ago and back to all the grief that went on then. I am now on medication for depression and I am seeking counceling, my own divorce has affected much more than I realized at the time. Right now I feel much better.
My GF has freaked out and pushed me away because she cannot cope with everything at this time, but I feel it is only temporary and our relationship is just on hold. This will get easier for you. When it happened to me I went through all the same emotions that you have now and boy does it hurt! You feel so helpless, all you want to do is hug him and make everything better. You cannot eat, sleep, everything you see reminds you of him. You are irritable and every thought you have has something to do with him. I know because I am going through this myself. I know exactly where you are with this. It will get easier as time goes on.
My advice is this: Do not apply pressure with him, it will only make him withdraw further. He needs subtle support from you. Let him know gently that you are there for him whenever he needs you. Do not appear needy. He is the one with the issues and he needs to work through them by himself. If he sees that you are able to cope with this (even though you feel like you are losing your mind)it will be one less thing for him to worry about. You want this relationship to work. You need to be strong for both of you because he is going through personal hell right now, and you are also. His head is filled with dark feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem etc. Not a very nice place to be. Try through a third party (family member or close friend) to try to get him to seek counceling and go on a course of medication, and you will need to do this also. There is no shame in this. It is like a diabetic not having enough insulin. In time you will both will feel better. Some time apart is not such a bad thing. If you are strong for him he will realize how much you really do care and he will thank you for it in the end. All relationships have ups and downs, its just the way life is. We cannot enjoy the good without suffering the bad. It's called balance, light and dark, yin and yang, whatever. One does not exist without the other. Its tough no doubt, but you have to be strong for your relationship and that means giving some space and time. When you both get through this your relationship will be stronger.
Text him once a week to let him know you are thinking of him and if he needs to talk you are there for him. Do not discuss your needs. When the time is right and he feels better and comes to you, then that is the time to discuss your relationship. You should try to talk about this with a third party also. Talking is good. Get as many differing opinions as you can. It's good you have come here to look for help.
This could take months and I know you are thinking all sorts of stuff like when is this going to end, is it me, why, why, why, etc..the truth is that no one knows. He certainly does not know either. Try to look at the positive here. If this did not happen to you right now, you might not feel the need to seek some help for yourself and address your own insecurities (which is what I did). Which in turn can only be good for you, your BF and your relationship as a whole. If I knew the answers I would be able to help both of us. Love is the highest emotion. That emotion can drive people crazy. You love him, he is crazy about you. Back off and act that everything is good. Easier said than done I hear you say.
I really hope that this works for you (and me). You seem to be a very caring, loving person but remember, this is not about you. Try not to have feelings that you have something to do with how he is reacting, it is about him working through his troubles and woes. I repeat, it's not about you.
I really hope I have been of some help to you. Keep positive. Hard as it is but try not to over analyze everything and remember what is meant to be is meant to be.
Good luck for both of us!
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reader, OhPinkyGirl +, writes (2 May 2011):
OhPinkyGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your answers, they have helped me a lot. The day that he left he started going to therapy and started medication. He's expressed that he has no faith in the meds but I told him that I'm proud of him for giving them a chance. One night he came home but got really drunk. He cried to me that night saying that I should leave him because he wasnt worth it. I told him that I love him and am not leaving. He's expressed how he doesn't want me to leave but told me he would understand if I did. The next day though he said that cominghome really overwhelmed him and that he wasn't coming home. He came home last night though and seemed a but calmer. I took your advice and didn't say very much but words like "hi" and "I love you". I hugged him and just rub his back a little. I am hoping that he will come home tonight. Thank you again for your answers. It's helped me a lot:
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): hello. And I am so sorry you are both going thru this . My boyfriend of five years suffers from depression and it has led to him leaving me several times. At first it was horrendous I couldn eat sleep felt lost but he came back. He has just realised he needs to be on medication which has led to him leaving again. Be strong, focus on yourself, you are being as supportive as you can. By not adding to his pressure but as the others said just listening he will hopefullx open up in time and see you as the solid person he needs in his life. Please just dont let him blame you for it as happened to me. Best of luck and love
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Yeah he needs a hug big time. Any words that come out of his mouth I wouldnt take too seriously as he has a lot of emotions going thru his head right now and his thoughts are unclear. Thats great of you to support him thru all of his experiences here. Is he on medication? Is he seeing someone who can treat his depression and has been medically diagnosed with it? These are important factors cause that will help predict his behavior and his needs. Good luck on this.
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reader, Odds +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Short term: Take words out of the equation. Touch would be a much better way to deal with things right now. People seriusly underestimate the effects of simple non-sexual touch. It's a very effective, primal way of communicating love that affects us on a deeper level than words.
Next time he comes home, just ask if you can hold him for a while. Don't say anything else, don't ask him how he feels, don't tell him anything, just hold him. Cuddle up on the couch. You can put on a movie if it'd make it easier to stay quiet and just hold each other, but I'd say you're better off just doing it without distraction. If he says anything, just listen. Grunt or say "yes" at the appropriate times, but otherwise just listen until he directly asks you to tell him how you feel. Then you can tell him, but don't ask him anything. Keep it short and focused on just holding.
He probably won't open up and tell you anything the first time you do this. Don't worry about it, just let the closeness do its work.
Long term: Rub his shoulders briefly as you walk by him, give him quick hugs or hand squeezes whenever you get a chance. Keep up the intimate but non-sexual touch.
At the same time, long-term you need to start communicating. Opening up a depressed person to talk about their feelings is all about being receptive without being pushy. Communicate, through presence and body language alone, that you are willing and eager to listen to him. Don't push for it, just let it be known that you are available. Once he's talking, you start giving feedback. At first, just reaffirm things, say what feels nice. After a while, you can switch to solution-oriented talk - even if that solution is just "let it go."
Basically, he needs to see through your actions that you care about him and his problems, but that his problems don't turn your feelings into a new problem. Take pride in supporting him and being there for him to lean on. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): so sorry you're going through this. Depression is very difficult not only on the person who has it, but for their significant other as well. Living with someone who's depressed, can lead you to become depressed as well. (my husband was recently diagnosed with depression, which explains a lot about why our 12-year marriage has been the way it is and yes it is extremely difficult being married to someone with depression as it often seems that everything you do or don't do contributes to their depression and problems mount on top of each other that way....)have you considered talking to a counselor, yourself? If you're feeling an emotional wreck, there's no harm in going to a counselor and getting some advice on how to cope, that's what they're there for.It's good that you acknowledge and realize that he's going through a very difficult time in his life. It's not his fault that he has nothing left to give to the relationship (unless he's not even trying, but it sounds like he is...?), because he's literally unable to. He can barely get through life while living inside his own head, let alone be able to nurture a relationship. You're doing the right thing to give him space.is he on medication? depending on the nature and severity of his depression, medication can really make a positive difference. Long term permanent healing does not come from medication alone but through him working on his issues, but medication can really help this process along and facilitate it. it's a tool, like any other, to help deal with a problem. he's probably correct that he's confused about what he needs from you right now. So, the best you can do is to just leave him be and not try to "push" his recovery along because that's a road he has to travel on his own. Not that you're trying to do that, but the temptation can certainly be there especially when you get frustrated or upset. You're right that you should work on yourself and your own feelings of being an emotional wreck. You can't be strong for a loved one if you're not strong yourself.I also believe that a temporary separation (or taking time apart) in order for both partners to heal and work out their personal issues without the stress of monitoring the relationship can be very beneficial. you can't give to your relationship if you're not strong yourself, so you need time and space to work on yourself. Likewise, sometimes just not being physically around each other can take pressure off him and help him with healing his own issues. Especially if, when you are around him, he knows or can sense that you're an emotional wreck, this can make him feel even worse. there are some good books out there on living with someone or being married to someone with depression, and how to cope with it. I would strongly advise that you read up on that if you haven't already. another thing is that if you're really feeling an emotional wreck then that's a sign that you need to deal with your own insecurities and fears and not run from them or suppress them. These fears are independent of him - they may definitely be triggered by his behavior, but ultimately they are your feelings to deal with and they are affecting your everyday life, so it would be beneficial for you to focus on getting strong yourself. good luck
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