A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:heading for co-dependence? me 41 male, she 48. My first substantial significant other. she recently divorced, started drinking very later in life, became dependent, and has a hard time staying stopped for more than i think nine months @ one point. we share similar social upbringing, however she more issues with her mother which still surely not come to terms with. dating for five months, crazy for her, not obsessed though,nor would i gather by any stretch of the imagination the boyfriend from hell,gave her oppt. to really go off yesterday. this time last week i did not leave her side after one of her presumable 3 or so day loads which really was an eye opener. we keep space and,i did not find out until the latter part of her binge when i got to her place. i do not know 23 hrs. or so of her besotted babbling about offing herself,along with all the negativity,and she does not this or that et cetera, me by her side helpless to degree. i hid all the knives, and never felt so....? she cleaned up surprisingly well with no real consequences other than remorse and a horrible one would think never forgetting detox, which again,me right there with her when i was not cleaning up everywhere. she had lot's of shame, a wake-up to really pursue balance and priority, though she is also a work-workaholic; always creating and very task oriented in her work, keeps mind off past i guess and escape reality or herself and issues and projects that she is always non-stop juggling, though efficiently, and taking on more. very caring and compassionate and is my beloved sweetheart which has been built on openness. very responsible, organized and does not miss a beat nor let any grass grow under her feet until she has reached a peak, and all goes to sheak and it all comes down. she feels un-worthy and such other negativity about herself which is furthermost from the truth, has done and cares so much for animals and others, for me, my health, and overall well-being, and has really been instrumental in my ill- perceived dismal existence. she has launched an indirect, unintentional paradigm shift in my thoughts,dreams,and actions. again am almost 42 and first time, and much learning, catch-up, and wisdom from others experience and opinions. ok, sorry the scene took so long to set up, however she was supposed to work yesterday at least what she told me, a different shift, but we would go to the beach after she called which she did not, nor was she at work, nor was she answering her door at home. i could not be sure she was there, her car was, though could have ridden into work with someone else . at this point still did not know that she did not go to work, nor did she return four very concerned phone messages, nor did she come to door as me finding out later she was home all along,dogs going nuts, me banging on door,not really but it should have sufficed. so i did the unthinkable in her mind and called her work and asked for her,expressing my concern to no availthen went back to her place not knowing anything and worried sick because of exactly a week earlier the suicidal thoughts and besotted state in which i found her, though she called me and wanted help . anyways she comes to door and says she has been napping, something i have never heard or seen her do. faced blushed though hard to tell and certainly did not want to go there yet as i was so relieved she was ok? figured i would mention the mix-up and felt entitled to share my concerns,as well as the fact that i called her work, at which point she went off and off over and over again the riot act for the first time ever. never raised a voice or even close prior, 1st time for everything i guess, and certainly room for whatever else will or not happen. ball certainly is in her court no? Am i needy? a dumb ass ? patsy or any of the like? Was i overreacting? wrong? out of place or line? i do not think. however took the most of blame and apologized again for caring and turned my back, said good-bye to avoid whatever else and any additional fire on her part, and now am utterly perplexed and woud appreciate any thoughts. sorry so wordy, fell a little better getting it out. peace.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (14 June 2007):
 You did what you did because you love and care for her well being. The thing is, in my opinion, (once was married to an alcoholic) you get the impression from her that you shouldn't have done all what you did because your checking up on her and your finding out probably more then she wants you to know...about her drinking. Most alcoholics cover up their drinking IF they do not want you to know their extreme drinking habits. I was married to a cowboy...he used to hide beer and Jack Daniels in his boots, cowboy hat, behind the bed, in his car, you name it till I became the "detective". Something I do not advise. It will drive a person in sane!!! Trust me!! My ex would talk of times he wanted to just "disappear" off the face of this planet, which used to scare the hell out of me. I used to clean up HIS messes just about every day. I finally realized, I could no longer worry what HE did, what mess he made, if he spent his entire pay check....he needed to face reality because of what he was doing that was causing such a strain in our marriage. Sadly, he didn't care...we split up and 1 year later we divorced. During our marriage he had went to several rehab's, half way house's to get clean...didn't work. He went back to drinking. Once we split, he did go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and eventually became sober. He is now 11+ yrs clean and doing very well. Unfortunately, it was to late for us. (There was more problems then just alcohol) You have to decide, is this how I want to live...no matter how much you love a person, the strain of someone's alcoholism can take a tole on an individual and YOUR well being. You cannot make a person become sober, they have to want it enough to do their homework. You also have to mean what you say, say what you mean in every way, or else she will always know you will help her out of any situation. Just because she goes to work everyday and does well, to me, that is her "cover up". That's what makes her feel good to say....I deserve that drink...that extra drink. She probably does have underlying issues that you may never know what they are, but she will have to face those demons as I call them on her own. Maybe in casual conversation you could mention that she go to an AA meeting and see what kind of response you get. You yourself, might also look into going to an Alanon meeting. They are for family and others who have been affected by someone's drinking. You can also learn alot from there. I highly recommend it. I wish you well and will pray for the best for both of you.
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