A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive got a problem story that I have bought on myself and im not looking for sympathy as I know ive done wrong.7.5 years ago my friend and his new girlfriend came to my house and for some silly reason me and her hit it off from the start.aA few months later after alcohol the inevitable happened.we agreed it would never be mentioned again and not to happen again but it has been happening every weekend since then. She married my friend and had two children with him over this period of time .we both knew what we was doing and never said we would leave our girlfriend or boyfriend for each other. Then just up intil 4 months ago me and my girlfriend started trying for a baby and bought a house ect...she fell pregnant which was great but when I told my affair partner she changed.she left her husband and kids within 2 weeks and is now someone I really dont know but thought I did but odviously dont.what I have done is no different to what she has done previously to me but I know its over I just cant believe someone could change that much.god ive never felt so guilty for my other half.she is such a nice person.i would never do it again cant believe how much someone can change.thanks for listening
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affair, period, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 October 2016):
 I don't think you should wait to finish with her, she will be a new mum and she will think you are leaving because of the baby. Just tell her now, give her time to heal and you can still be a great dad.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 October 2016):
 "What's best for me is...." You're still being selfish, OP. You *need* to tell her, or at least break up before the baby. You don't need to stick with her and tell her in 6 months; that could be time for her to heal and you're prolonging it for your own peace of mind.
Yes, be a good dad, but don't stop her from leaving you for any longer!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI got myself into a stupid position by being selfish.no I dont want the other person.i thought I did but dont as I know now which I never thought of before which I didnt think of anything or anyone as it was happening due to my selfishness but I wouldnt have a good relationship with the other person due to situations that have occured and things I look back on that we done.in the moment yes it felt good but in reality it was selfish.my girlfriend is the nicest person I have ever met and probably even will meet.no I wont string her along but I have to do the right thing which is concentrating on our baby and providing for it and being a amazing dad.i need to be with her for the baby and when it gets easier 6months maybe down the line I tell her I am no longer in love with her.for now I am looking into how we can sell our house so she takes the money and can get a smaller house for her and bumpand be financialy stable.i know this isnt the point but it will help.i will never tell her about it as that will knock her confidence when she moves on.i know I should but the best thing for me to do is leave when its right and make sure im a good dad and provide for my child.i dont owe it to her to tell her and put her off any happy relationship she may have a chance to get.i do regret it with all my heart but it happened and I was a stupid stupid person for not stopping it
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 October 2016):
I guess now you have to ask yourself where do you go from her, do you tell your partner? Will she tell your partner?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 October 2016):
Please tell your partner. You've both betrayed your partners, but don't betray her further by not telling her, even if you won't cheat again. She deserves to know and decide if she wants to stay or not. She's the mother of your baby, please finally show her some respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried in the early days when were still in contact for her to go back but she said not a chance and to be fair I dont think he wants her back now.he is moving on without her and said he was only with her for the kids and I do really believe that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi the children are his as we didnt have sex very much and when we did it was months apart from when she conceived her children.There has never been any doubt about anything like that because like I said the sex was not that regular.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): (Contd)
Why are you bothered about where she's staying now? Are you afraid that your trysts have now come to an end?
Irrespective of whether she's sabotaging your relationship with your girlfriend, you have to come clean to your girlfriend -she deserves to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): Also, are you sure that her children are your friend's? Or could they be your children?
I think it's great that she finally got a spine and left your friend - imagine his hurt when/if he finds out you were sleeping with his wife well before they got married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): This is the sad part, OP.That many married people sell out to their unhappy, unfulfilling, safe marriages.In walks perhaps somebody who might be a better choice for them, possibly the love of their life, or somebody they have fallen in love with, and in the end that person is discarded. All because the married person does not have the guts to pursue their happiness. They would rather stay in a loveless marriage or a marriage where they are "in like" with their spouse and resign themselves that this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be. Sad most won't take the risk. Regrets? Yes, they might happen by taking risks in life. But remember, regrets also happen BY NOT RISKING AT ALL.You will always wonder what if? And I think in many cases you will go on for the rest of your life missing that person, filled with an emptiness inside you that never goes away. And a magic that will never again be duplicated. Not in your spouse or anyone else that could come along. We make the mistake of letting the moment pass us by. When in that moment, we know we have everything we need or have ever been looking for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016): Sorry maybe I'm daft .. but does your post mean that your current partner whom your with ..You don't really want .. though the baby due in 3 months time .. and that really your affair girl you do want ? If so why don't you go get the cheating girl and do let your gf move on .. what have you learned maybe next time don't sleep with someone you don't love. Don't string her along
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 October 2016):
How do you know her two children are his? You could already be a father remember condoms don't always work, have you ever wondered about that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldnt have put it better myself.yes a long term affair is different to a short term.we didnt always have sex when we saw each other it was alot more than that. Sex probably happened 10times maximum during 7.5 years..she ended up being my best friend.a thought from the other post I never thought about is how im thinking she has changed into someone I thought she wasnt but as they quite rightly said I have always known her like this to be selfish the same as I have been too.we both carried on behind other peoples backs for so long we are both as bad as each other I just never looked at it like that.i know its a fantasy but so many moments and so many years it couldnt have been just a fling.its just so bad I took my relationship too far with my partner and I know I shouldnt have.i know I cant turn the clock back and its my own fault but I hope someone reads this and understands and does something about there own situation before its too late.what will be will be but I see no future with my partner and I dont want to waste anymore of her time while she can be with someone else.we havnt got married it was the affair partner who did.i need to concentrate on my child who will be here in less than 3 months and then go from there.i will be a brilliant dad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): maybe you should just tell affair girl to go back to hubby and to leave you in peace so you can get on with your life with wife in peace.An assertive decision would be good here so be assertive about your wifes pregnancy comes ahead of affair gal who will clear off back to hub and kids.Forget her!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): I hear you OP.I get it.I am in an affair right now myself. For 4 years. He is married but I am not.It is something you get caught up in, against your better judgment. You do realize it is wrong and damaging but you continue it anyway. Even after repeated attempts to end it, you keep going back. Because there is this emptiness in your life without that person. Despite knowing in your head it is wrong, you rationalize it and try to justify it to yourself so that you can keep doing it. So you take with you all its positives and put away the negatives. An affair takes you away and you get lost in it. You compartmentalize the affair in order to keep it going. So, in the moment, the affair is your reality (although a fantasy). But you put it away to cope with your real life when it is necessary. But as time goes on, that becomes much harder as your feelings grow stronger. And that is when it becomes complicated. Your true feelings are not minimized during your affair. Even if you had the intention of blocking your feelings, we are all human and I do think the longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to contain those emotions. They do exist and unfortunately are what is real about it. But you have to determine whether those feelings are true love or just a genuine adoration for your affair partner whom you have been with for several years. I don't believe it is all about the sex when we speak of long term affairs, which do become more like relationships the more time that passes by. I do think short term affairs are all about the sex. Both people bang their brains out for a short while until they realize they don't really like each other all that much and then part ways after the fizzle is gone. Long term affair partners are more compatible with each other in addition to the sexual chemistry they share. And so, these affairs are the ones which become more relationship like. But in general married men and women for that matter, are reluctant to leave their spouses. And it isn't because they are truly and madly in love - if they were, they would not start another relationship - it's because they share so much with them and are very comfortable with that life. They do not want to change things because in general that partnership is working on many levels. But they are missing some components of that relationship to seek out someone else. The problem is when you stay with safe, reliable and comfortable, eventually the allure of the chemical attraction to another human being is going to surface again. And you will be tempted to have another affair. Because your problem is not solved. You have just chosen to sweep it under the rug. If you are fortunate enough not to meet another woman who knocks your socks off then maybe you can continue with your marriage without further damage or complications. But it is like you will always have a match ready to be lit. And just a matter of time until you are placed in that position all over again.I think women generally want the affair to continue for the emotional connection and men for the sex, even though the man might care for the woman. They enjoy the sexual component first and having a "girlfriend" second while the women want to have a boyfriend first and the sexual component second. It is a slippery slope from the start. You may indeed find your soulmate while married but most people do not want to take a risk on someone else. Even if they love them. Some do. And sometimes it really does work out and they find happiness. But I believe most people would rather be safe than take the risk. It is sad that it ends with so much pain. If people could only be honest with themselves and each other. Put love in the equation and risk it all for love. But that's for the story books. Right? Because when you try to have it all, the best of both worlds, something is going to end up crumbling in the end because it is essentially unsustainable having two relationships at once. It is like a house of cards waiting to come down. Men (and women) who are unhappy in their marriages need to leave before dragging another person into their web. That person may actually love them. And want to be with them. And the married individual is destroying them for their own selfishness. I still do not understand why you both went through with your marriages if you had already hooked up before hand? Why did you not marry each other? Or why did you not leave your partners knowing that you both liked one another? Most people in your place would have called off their marriages. I think you have some deep soul searching to do. There is a lot you need to get straightened out about yourself in order to be a better husband. One who is loyal, giving and fully committed to his wife. One who will not stray on her again. She deserves that. Especially now that an innocent child will be coming into the picture. You need to be committed to your wife more than ever. And forevermore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree we were both selfish on all parts.she never mentioned running off together but we both knew there was strong feelings which we could have stopped. I got caught up in a massive bubble and nothing else mattered and that too was extremely selfish of me.i think she has thought that I have made my decision now and that could be why she has gone.she told me my partner and baby are most important which I agree with.ive totally lost whatI had with my partner and I see no future.there was no question I was asking just wanted people to think twice before they decide to do it as from experience it ruins lives and I will never do it again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree we were both selfish on all parts.she never mentioned running off together but we both knew there was strong feelings which we could have stopped. I got caught up in a massive bubble and nothing else mattered and that too was extremely selfish of me.i think she has thought that I have made my decision now and that could be why she has gone.she told me my partner and baby are most important which I agree with.ive totally lost whatI had with my partner and I see no future.there was no question I was asking just wanted people to think twice before they decide to do it as from experience it ruins lives and I will never do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): What's the question?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): Your affair partner is pretty hypocritical. Doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot, does she? It is okay for her to get pregnant with her husband's children but not okay for your wife to get pregnant with your child. My guess is she is hurt by that. She is selfish. But why wouldn't someone like that be selfish? Just like you. You have both been carrying on this affair for years with no regard for your spouses. I am not sure why you would even bother to get married and start families with your partners? Why did you not end up with each other? I think she was secretly hoping for a fairy tale ending with you. Did she ever talk to you about her true feelings? Did you? Ever tell you she loves you? Ever tell her? Or was everything always swept under the rug emotionally? It is clear she realized that once your wife became pregnant, you were serious about your wife and your future with her. You made your choice. So, I guess it was like the last nail in the coffin for her. You cut off hope for it becoming more. Women are much more emotional about these things than men are. You might have been able to handle the realities of the situation. She wasn't. The fact she left her husband even without another person in the picture tells me she was not happy with him all along and was prepared to leave him for you if you told her you loved her and wanted to be with her. Too late now. But it was too late from the moment you started your affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016): WHAT'S the q's .. you've now not got two piddys on beck and call and that's an issue .. your unhappy she not just walked out on her husband but you also .. I mean when we're YOU going to stop .. certainly you thought this would carry through even if your gf is pregnant. You should be more worried about what she will do or say next .. good luck
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