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female
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anonymous
writes:Let me start at the begining here...I'm the middle child with 2 brothers. My younger brother D. has always been sort of overlooked by my family, and after he graduated highschool he started some really self distructive behavior, like stealing, doing drugs, drinking, and random sex. My mother, who he was living with at the time, called me and asked me if he could stay with me because she couldn't handle it anymore.Of course I said yes, being that he's my family...What I didn't realize was the huge can of worms I was opening by doing this. He just started lying and stealing in my house instead of hers.It got to the point where I had to throw him out also, granted, it was just before he was due to leave anyway..He's since gone into the navy, and he now lives in Virginia with his wife.I've always felt extremely guilty for the way things turned out..I have since realized that self distructive behavior doesn't happen overnight, and I had always promised myself I would never put someone out on the streets...The guilt was eating me up inside..so I decided to write him a letter and tell him how I felt...I'll post it here:Hi Dale. I'm writng this to you now to let my feelings out about the past. I hope you can understand what I mean. I'm not even sure where to start this, but there have been some things I've wanted to say to you for quite a long time now, some things I need to get off my chest. I just hope you'll be open enough to really understand what I'm trying to say here. I know that the past is the past, and I'm sure you have no desire to re-live it at this point, but I can't walk around with this overwhelming guilt eating me up inside anymore. Back when mom threw you out of the house and you moved in with me, there are some things she didn't tell you. SHe had called me the day before and asked me if you could move in, and what had happened. I'm not saying I had a problem with you moving in, because I sure didn't. I just feel like mom put me in a tough spot that I was not prepared for. And when I put your things on the front steps and threw you out, well...I had always promised myself I would never do that to someone. Because I know exactly what it feels like to be thrown out, and yet at the first test of this resolve, I failed. What you don't know is how much pressure I was getting from mom, how I felt like I had to do what she said because she owns this condo. I let her pull my strings and do something that is so opposite from who I am that I am so ashamed and angry at myself for it. When I look back I can almost pinpoint the events that lead you to that point in your life. I was a very self absorbed person growing up, and I was very spoiled and angry at everyone around me. So I can see now how you always got pushed aside, you were quiet, reserved, and so you got overlooked more times than I can count. I can't change that, however much I wish I could. But I can look back with a new outlook and say I'm sorry to you for it, For not paying closer attention to you. A person does not do drugs and self distructive things overnight, there is a pattern. Sadly at the time I was just to self obsorbed to see it. I really wish I had been strong enough at the time to tell you how I felt about the things that happened. Does that make you any less guilty of the things you did? No, not at all...but your family is just as guilty as you for not being more of a support for you. I know what it feels like to feel outcasted and separate from those who should be closest to you, I can only hope you can accept my opologies for whatever part I played in causing you any further hurt. I truly hope you've found the happiness you've always needed, and if not..keep looking, you'll find it when you least expect it. Trust me. He then responded with this: i have a new family now Which totally shocked me, so I responded with this:Well...if that is truly how you feel, then I'm glad for you. Having someone special is wonderful. But that doesn't mean you should be so quick to write off the family you had before. I had hoped that we could talk about this openly and that I could somehow make you understand me as a person. I'm not the person I used to be, and I wanted so very much to bridge the gap between us so that we could be the way a brother and sister should be. But you still seem angry about what happened, and in some respects I can understand that. I had just hoped you had moved past it somehow. I suppose that will come in it's own time...I only pray you don't lose sight of who you really are before you get there. I was trying to remain understanding to him, but he responded with this..youre making things up. i never said any of that, and im not angry about anything, furthermore, 3 years later theres really nothing to talk about... i dont see where any of this is coming from anyhow, you contact me on here very rarely, and now all of the sudden, you come up with this?? highly inappropriate. At this point I was in tears...I never thought he could be so cold to me..so I wrote this..I never thought that telling you how I felt would be innopropriate. Three years ago is over, yes, but that doesn't mean that it's something so easily forgotten. And I didn't say you SAID anything, or that you were angry..all I was trying to do was to say I was sorry for the way things went down back then, because believe it or not it has bothered me ever since. I had hoped you would understand that. And to come back with the single statement of "I have a new faimily now" how appropriate is that whan all I was trying to do was be honest with you? And you're right. I don't contact you much on here. But what would you expect me to say to you when I still felt so rotten for the things I did? Your coldness to me here shows that you ARE angry, eather that or you're not the person I thought you were. Just forget it, I thought I could be honest with youHow do I deal with this? with the holidays coming up I know I'll have to see him..I just don't know what to do!Was I wrong to say what I did?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):
I think he is done with it, its in the past he doesnt feel the need to disect it. So I dont think that he is trying to patronize or evade the subject, he just feels the subject is done.
If you are hoping for a General Foods Coffee tear test, I dont htink he is the guy for it. If you want to have a longer discussion for some closure, at least establish a few month of rappore about other subjects. Then supply him some beer.
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 December 2006):
 I was not trying to be rude. But I was trying to wake you up. You have accomplished your goal.(you told him how you felt) You have nothing to feel guilty about and you probably did him a favor in the long run. (He was flippant at first then took the time to write you a serious letter and you over analyzed until you worried that he was patronizing you)
You have bridged the gap....he responded. You have to start from where you are. You say you Used to be close...well you can be again but not if your going to second guess everything he says...which your doing.
And what you consider glossing over...may be how he feels. Think of it this way....it was a bad time in his life and he may be a little ashamed of his actions too. Does he want to dwell on that? NO. He is over it and wants everyone else to get over it too.
He's worked really hard to be the person he wants to be and the person he WAS is someone he wants to forget....let him.
See him as the new person he is and treat him with love and respect and That will do more to bridge the gap than sitting around wondering if he's being deceitful. By deciding that he is not telling you the truth you are treating him like the OLD person he was and that will come across in your comments and expressions and will do nothing to further your cause.
Your letter is a start.
but your actions will speak much louder....make sure you know what your actions are saying. Because they are saying to me that you don't let stuff go and you pick apart what is said to the point you make it hard to talk to you at all.
Not trying to be rude at all....but just like your reply back to me. You took one line out of context and were offended by it. You missed the rather long complement that let up to it. (if you had not shown him tough love...he might not be where he is today.....)
"but don't expect a thank you note for it"...in other words don't expect that he's made that leap of understanding that you had in reality done him a kindness by loving him enough to force him to take responsibility for himself. He's probably not there yet....and he does not have to be....even though it is plain that it is the truth of the matter.
The example I gave you is of someone who has never been forced to grow up and take his life in his own hands...and has always been taken in. It has not done him the least bit of service in his life. The result is very sad. Your brother is lucky. He was made to stand on his own two feet and really check himself.....so maybe glossing over is the best he cares to do for now. Accept it and release that worry from your heart...it is what he's asking....but you sort of seem to be missing that.
Does that help?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, Beentheredonethat..My brother has the ability to gloss over everything and have everyone around him eating out of his hand..I always tell him he should be an insurance salesman..lol
So I wanted other people's opinion because I can sometimes be blind to him when he makes me feel better, then I look back and realize he was being deceitful and I never noticed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Beentheredonethat..
You seem a bit harsh to me...why come off so rude?
I don't expect a thank you note..I felt guilty for throwing him out and I wanted to tell him so. We used to be close before this, and I had hoped to bridge the gap between us with my letter...
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 December 2006):
patronize you......NO he's tried to TELL you how HE feels. Quit playing the martyr. ya felt guilty....ya said sorry. He said no big deal...
you said.....IT IS a big deal.
He explained WHY it was not a big deal....ie...he gets why you did exactly what you did.
and now your worried he's patronizing you. Do the words paranoid mean anything to you?
It means HE forgave you along time ago and he's ready for you to forgive you and Get over it.
He has a new family, he's turned his life around...he's Happy. And if you had never shown him some tough love....he might still be that brother who expects everyone to bail him out, let him steal from them...etc.
(my husband is one of six kids and the one who was the best looking and always the favorite...is the biggest loooooooooozzzer bum druggie drunken creep in the family.....he had all the girls was mom and dads star but somewhere all that constant bailing him out of trouble and letting him slide went terribly wrong)
In other words...he might not be where he is today.
(but that does not mean you should be expecting a thank you note either) But you did what you needed to do at the time. And just because he turned out ok....does not mean the ok person is who you were dealing with.
Now get over your guilt trip and have a great Christmas and be soooooooo glad you don't have a brother everyone calls "Chester the molester" (when he drinks he tries to french kiss all his sister in laws....creep.. and he is not the pretty one any more....his looks have faded with his life and now he's just pathetic)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): No he wasn't patronizing at all. It seems he's done some thinking and he's wrote back with his thoughts. He's learned from it and he's letting you know...it's over and it time to bury the past and move ahead. Good for him. I hope it continues to work out for you and your brother, dear. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the male annon writer...
Thats exactly what I mean! I HAVE been on the streets before, and just to make it more clear, he moved to his then girlfriends house, he was never actually homeless.
Besides that, as much as I loved him, it's not ok to steal, drink, do drugs and have sex in my house with so many girls I lost count from one day to the next....
On a lighter note, he has sent me another email..this one seems a bit more..upbeat..
well, i understand that, but theres really nothing that can be done about it now, and you really shouldnt feel bad about anything, that was a bad time in everyones lives, so its probably better to just leave it in the past, thats what ive tried to do...
although dad always seems to bring stuff like that up.... lol
dont worry about it sara, i still love you no matter what, and i totally dont blame you for kickin anyone to the curb lol
if you remember, i had one of kristels friends living with us for several months, and she did pretty much the same thing to me that i used to do, you know where she went? to the curb beeyotch!
haha
and the same thing happened again a few months later with another of her friends, i guess i just didnt understand why you felt the way you did until i lived spent some time in your shoes... kinda sucks....
actually it really sucks, but we've ll learned some valuable lessons from it eh?
like i said, dont worry about it, its all in the past, and i have nothing to be angry about, i realize it doesnt sit well with you, i always knew you werent happy about it, but its over now...
so, what are you and shaun doing for the holidays?
u get him anything good?
-dale.
What do you all think? is he just trying to change the subject or patronize me here? :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Hi there, dear. In answer to your question which I will repeat to you--'No, you were not wrong' Your brother made some very poor choices with his life and he brought all the fallout and dysfunction into your life and into your home. The very place that was your safe haven. He had no right to do that to you. He needed to learn that in anyone's home, he was expected to abide by the high standards and ethical principals of the home. When we help our loved ones we don't expect to have things stolen out of our home and we don't expect them to continually keep using other bad behaviours, that negatively impact out lives. All we ask for is respect. Your brother was given a chance to have a good home with a caring family member and he chose to screw up. What happened between you and him was because of what he did. That was good information for him to know and learn about himself. It likely helped him to grow up and not sabotage himself in his future. He should get over this and learn that his misplaced, silly anger can get in the of seeing things clearly and hurt the ones who really do love him. In other words what he doing now, is he's biting off his nose to spite his face. When he lived with you, you expected him to extend common courtesy...he didn't do that. So no, you are not wrong and never allow anyone to tell you different. .I hope you two can reconcile someday but you said your peace with him. You did the right thing..it needed to be said and you handed him 'the olive branch" so to speak. If he didn't want it, then so be it. Carry on with your life, stay positive, stay strong. Maybe someday, he'll find his way back...but don't beat yourself up over it, hun. Take care.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Hi there anon,
"Was I wrong to say what I did?" No - how can you be wrong for voicing how you feel? What you were doing was supposed to be a positive move in the relationship. In my opinion, I think that it was a good move. It showed him that you are there if he wants to talk and that you'd like to have him back in your life, but this time with a stronger and more open relationship than before. You were only being honest. And there's *nothing* wrong with honesty in this case.
I'm wondering if he just reacted to the letter instead of let your words sink in. He could just still be very defensive since he's felt that way for a while. When he is ready, and as long as you remain friendly toward him, I think there is a good chance that he may change his mind about being closer with you. Until then, as much as it will gnaw at you, you need to just give him some space. This is probably a lot for him to take in, you know?
If by chance he does not respond back to you, then just remember that you did what you could. There is only so much a person can do to form and keep a relationship with another. Nobody can force him to talk with you, and you probably wouldn't want that sort of relationship anyway: it'd be much more heartbreaking to know that he was being fake about stuff.
If this is really bothering you, then maybe you might find it beneficial to see a therapist. Even if it's a family oriented problem, people go to seek advice of a professional by themselves, you know?
So I think you should just give it time. You did what you could. Just wait and see if he responds differently to what you wrote - it could just be that he feels overwhelmed at the moment. If things don't progress in a way that you'd like, then maybe you'd want to seek the help of a professional.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006):
Look at this from his point of view- he gets kicked out and wandering the street with all his possessions on his back and you want to talk about *your* feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Lol...oh my, you are his sister!! IGosh, I am sooo sorry. Thanks for pointing that out to me, dear. I totally overlooked that. Thinl I'm having a blonde day today (blush) haha
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish, but I'm his older sister...lol it's ok tho..
As for the anon. writer above, of course the letters were about ME..I was trying to tell him how I felt...I don't expect him to re-hash the past..I had just hoped I could reconnect with him because I know what a wonderful person he can be when he wants to..I felt I couldn't move forward to the present unless I came to terms with my part in the past..
was that wrong of me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006):
Your notes are all about you and not about him. The guy appears to be fine with things the way they are but you keep bugging him because you a looking to disect your guilt and he doesnt feel like playing.
He probably spent the three years saying 'F them all' and what ever he accomplished was probably out of spite. To have this big teary conversation with you would require him to redo his whole self image, which he is not up for.
Just send him holiday cards or friendly emails and leave it at that. Guys dont always have to hash things out to forgive you, he'll just start being friendly back to you and you two will be ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Of course you were not wrong, dear. You came clean, you were honest and you were trying to reconnect with your brother. I would say that was very, very loving of you. He went through a destructive phase in his life and his behaviours put your family through hell. You've forgotten, forgiven and moved on--- but he hasn't. He hasn't reconciled "why' his brother kicked him out, even though 'he' caused the problem at the time. In other words, in his own mind, he hasn't taken accountability for what he's done. I realize you are not looking for an apology or anything like that. But until he can realize his role in the way this whole past scenario went down..his denial will never allow him to move forward and reconcile. Now ironically, he caused some pain and grief within your family and yet, he feels entitled to still feel angry? I would think in the process of him developing, maturing and nurturing his own family...he would completely understand the efforts it takes to keep family bonds strong. He most definitely is still angry and he's not ready to reunite. Give this more time. He's just not there yet. He simply needs to find out for whom and under what circumstances this type of conflict is productive and what pupose it serves to keep the 'hard feelings' ongoing. In the meantime, send him an occasional, nice card. When he is around you, be gracious but not over bearing. If he chooses to ignore you, that there is nothing you can do. Just be the best you can be with your own family and the people you love, in the here and now. In other words, be happy for the great things in your life and perhaps maybe some day he'll come to the same place you are at. He will let you know. Good luck and I have to say..what a wonderful brother you are.
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