A
female
age
41-50,
*argh
writes:My boyfriend (let's call him M) and I have been together for five years. We have had obstacles in this time (grad school, debt, moving) that we have overcome together, and have been better for it. However, we are now in the midst of an awful time, and I have no idea what to say or do to make it better, or at least easier.In October his father was diagnosed with stage 3 stomach cancer, which has now metastasized into stage 4. M is a reliable and caring person, part of why I love him, so he essentially dropped everything and went to help his father. His father lives about 1,500 miles from us, and has no other family besides M. I understood that M had to go, but I miss him a lot. Since October he has been home for about two weeks during Christmas and New Years, but that's it. So I'm lonely, I hate it, but that's not my biggest concern. I'm most worried because M has taken on this entire burden alone. He works from home, so is able to pay the bills, but has to deal with all of his father's things on top of his work. There is a huge amount of stuff to take care of for his father; meds, doctor's visits, special food needs, etc. So he ends up working every day to get everything done. To top it off, he has to sleep on the floor because his father's apartment is a tiny, cluttered studio. I feel like M is going to crack, but he refuses help. I've tried to get him to hire a nurse, go to a support group, anything, but he insists that he's fine. I don't know if it's machismo, denial, or something else, but I don't believe him. I'm also worried because M and his father refuse to talk about death, or make any plans aside from continuing treatment. He is now on radiation because the chemo almost killed him. At this point his tumor is still inoperable and his has lost about 100 pounds. He is almost certainly going to die, but both he and M seem to think not talking about it will make it go away. All the while he keeps getting sicker, making M's burden heavier. I try to bring this up, encourage M to talk to his father, but I can't say too much without feeling like an a**hole. I'm really confused about what to do. I feel like if I prod M too much I might make him resent me, but they have to do something! Also, if I make any suggestions that turn out badly I worry it might break our relationship. I feel so helpless.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 It's wonderful that you're asking what to do. It certainly speaks to how much you care for your boyfriend.
I don't know if this suggestion is in any way practical, but you might think of relocating to where he and his father are, renting a place, and spelling your b/f off for short periods in the care of his father. An apartment or a motel that is a second home, where your b/f could get the occasional good night sleep, with you there to care for the father in his place? That would be a a great service to your b/f, and an incredible bonding experience.
As for the question of them not acknowledging the likely outcome. My father had a similar cancer, and never acknowledged, publically, that he was going to die. I went along with that for most of the time. I wanted to let him set the tone, and didn't care to presume. But as things became more clear, I did finally take the bull by the horns and ask him about final arrangements. It was difficult, but it was clear to me that it was my last chance to do what I needed to do so that I wouldn't have regrets. As it happened, that was problably the last day my father was lucid, and when he passed shortly thereafter I was left with no regrets. Your b/f is likely doing the same -- giving his father the space to die in his own way.
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