A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex-wife has asked to meet me. My boy friend and I are living together, we are 34 and 39 years old, working professionals and there are wedding plans for the future. I have a 6 year old child and he has three children. They have been divorced for a year, me for almost three years. I didn't meet him until after he was divorced. He has always co-parented well with her. Since we have been dating, she has been playing what I consider games regarding to their court ordered visitation, she won't let the kids spend the night with him on Wednesday's because she is uncomfortable letting the kids spend the night, however, when it comes to the weekend visitation, she is ok. The question is, do I meet her or not? There have never been any issues regarding his children's well being in our care, they are happy, healthy children and his children (6 years old and 3 year old twins) are very comfortable around me. I get hugs when I see them, kisses when they leave. To me, this is a no win situation. And my concern is what will be the next objection to the kids staying the night and that this will never stop. As a mother, I can understand wanting to meet the person who is spending time with my child. Bottom line there is a legal document in place stating the visitation...the divorce decree. I feel their custody is an issue between them, but I love my boy friend and his children and would do anything for them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): why are you so fearful in meeting her if you have nothing to hide.lots of ex's want to meet the new person in their ex's life (male/female). it is very normal to want to meet the woman her kids are being exposed to, someone who in time will have an influence in their young lives. i think it is very noble of her to want to meet you. yes, she wants to suss you out but that is normal ,isn't it. she is merely being a mother. after all if the situation was reversed you would want to meet the new person in your ex's life, wouldn't you. stop prejudging her. stop gossiping about her with other family members. you are creating the drama and the unease. yes, expect some discomfort/ uncomfortable feeling at the inital meeting but meet this woman. you seem suddenly insecure as though you are hiding something. the question is what? why are you treating this mother like a common criminal. she deserves to know who is spending time with her kids, she needs to know the morals you possess, she needs to know whether the "motherly bond" you display is genuine. she may also be insecure- perhaps thinking that you may want to replace her. whether she is justified or not- she just needs to ease her mind. at least grant her this - she is willing to meet the so called other woman in her kids lives. she acknowledges your presence and she is within her rights as a mother to meet you. stop being so suspicious. you are a mother too. i am sure you too would have the same concerns that she has.
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Glad I could help! Wish you the best with whatever your decision may be:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Thank you for your help! I agree with both of your answers. I don't understand why things like this have to be complicated, I'm trying very hard to be open minded about her wanting to meet me, but I feel she is on a witch hunt and no matter how the meeting goes, she will find a reason to keep the kids from him, which legally without cause she can't. I'm a very outgoing woman, been told I'm attractive, lots of friends, own two successfully businesses and done it on my own. She is a very negative person, been taken care of all of her life by her parents and her ex husband(who is now my boyfriend)and is unhappy about having to go back to work full time to pay for a very expensive lifestyle and home she chose to stay in. She hasn't dated since their divorce. It's been suspected that she was waiting for him to come back based on some things she asked of her ex; for example she asked him to help her re-finance the house. She was asked if the kids have expressed concern after living with us on the weekend, and she stated they are very happy and talk about how much fun they had. For that very reason, I question her motive. The kids are happy, safe and well taken care of. They have their own rooms, new/different toys to play with, new friends, my son has bonded with these children too. My fear is that she will judge me based on things that don't matter...so in my opinion it's not a win-win situation and in the end the kids are the one that will lose out in getting to spend quality time with their father. Again, I'm trying hard to stay open minded, but my instincts are telling me to process with caution. His family loves me and I get along with them very well. At this time, we're going to hold off on making a final decision about this. He did tell her that this was the last week that he was bringing the kids back on Wednesday evening and that the schedule would be going back to the agreed to visitation in the divorce decree. Again, it's odd that she has no problems with the long weekend visitation. She keeps flip flopping on what she wants and it's been really confusing to the kids. It seems to be what is convenient for her and her schedule. She's not putting the kids first and needs to put her insecurities aside. I have told him I have no problem meeting her. Others (his family) that know her have said it's not a good idea.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (17 September 2009):
I think you should meet her. If she hasn't been a real problem to you then there isn't a real reason why you shouldn't. You mentioned her "games" about the visitation thing, that's not really a strong issue. Believe me, I have a ex & a 2 kids, so I know because he did the same thing.
As you stated, she may just want to know the person her kids are around & she has that right. I don't think it's a huge deal & you know more about the situation and her than I do. But you should really give it a chance at least, because denying her that opportunity may fuel other fires that you don't want lit :) And then besides that, if you don't meet now, you will still have to in the near or far future. You are planning to be the new wife, so you guys will have to face each other one day. So just try, don't automatically expect a problem, because there may not be any.
Best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): It is difficult to know what the best move would be. I feel that the x would only bring problems at this point. They are freshly divorced and have not had the time to get totally past the relationship--not him either. You have been divorced three years. Don't meet her unless you marry. Steer away from being in sight when they exchange the children for visitation. She is not ready to handle this.
I am an x and did everything to cause problems between him and his mistress. I even made a fool of myself and ran over to her at my daughter's graduation calling her a whore and telling her to keep her hands off my daughter. In a few days I received a letter of warning from my x's attorney. May sound immature, but I am still proud of that since she used to call me all the time and brag about her affair.
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