A
female
age
30-35,
*atie26
writes:My bf, myself and our close friends were at a house party. I spent most of my time helping the hosts so I was pretty much sober while my bf decided to get sloshed after many years. By the end of the night, he had way too many and was totally out of control. He was constantly expressing how much he loves me to everyone, which was really sweet. But started talking a lot to a younger woman who was also drunk at the party. It went on for an hour, they were mostly talking about school, sports, our relationship etc. I quietly observed until they were talking really close to each other almost appearing like they were going to kiss. I freaked out but I wasn't the only one watching them! The girl's aunt was watching too and quickly pulled that girl out of the situation. I overheard the girl tell her aunt that they were having a moment. I went to him once the girl left and he tried to kiss me, I said it was not okay that he was flirting with that girl. He denied flirting and got so loud and furious for being accused of flirting with a kid (a 20-year-old). He shouted some nasty things about me in front of our friends, who had to take him out of the place to cool things down. He came back 45 minutes later clearly regretting his outlash. I've known him as someone with strong principles and respect for our relationship, so this was completely unanticipated for me. But I let it go believing this wouldn't have happened if he wasn't so drunk. He woke up next morning regretting and ashamed of everything he said the previous night. He said he loves me more than any woman in his life and respects me deeply. Even though I told him it's okay, I am wondering if I shouldn't have tolerated such behavior so quickly.... to make sure this never happens again.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 The most important thing here is that he needs to avoid getting drunk if he can't behave in a respectful way.
When you next go out where drinking is likely to occur, bring it up briefly. "John, I don't mind you drinking, but please don't drink so much you are disrespectful. It's not something I will stick around for if there's another situation similar to the last one."
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2018):
 My grandfather was a "seasonal drinker" I think is what they called it back in the day. Today I think it would be closer to a "functional binge drinker". He was able to have a job, take care of house and garden, travel, socialize etc. etc. BUT once in a blue moon he would drink WAY too much and be very unpleasant or almost manic. While he might have been a manic depressive person and the binge drinking would occur when he was in his manic phases - could be the real truth, I don't know. He died of a heart attack at the age of 45, I never met him at all.
Your BF obviously have issues with alcohol. Which is probably why he "quit" for such a long time.
Like Code Warrior, I too drank A LOT in my 20's - I wasn't violent or anything, but I did have black outs. The black outs scared me enough to quit drinking cold turkey.
I still don't drink much now. I think I have had maybe 5-10 drinks in 10 years. (one drink = 1 glass of wine)
I don't have any issues at all when I DO have a drink but I have chosen to just not go there.
My husband comes from alcoholic parents. BOTH. His dad because he would rather drink than take pain meds. His mom was/is just a lush. So he is VERY careful with alcohol too. He sticks to ONE drink as well when he does drink.
So we both KNOW moderation.
And I agree with Code Warrior that it DOES take some maturity to accept that drinking is NOT something you need to do and to use moderation. To BE in charge. Some people CAN NOT do that - they go overboard. I think your BF is one of the latter.
So IF you do decide to give him a chance he needs to NOT drink at all. If he can not stick to JUST one (or two) then he needs to be totally dry. Not just for your sake, for the relationship, but for his OWN health.
And you two NEED to have this conversation ASAP.
And YOU need to decide if he BREAKS this "compromise" what the consequences will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): Your boyfriend doesn't get a pass. No. He CHOSE to drink so he CHOSE to put himself in a bad position, therefore needs to accept full responsibility. He knew what he was doing. Drunk. Or not. Being drunk is just a convenient excuse for bad behaviour. I would no longer trust him after this or be at ease around him. WHY did he get drunk in the first place??
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 June 2018):
 How I understand your question: You are wondering if him suffering more consequences for his drunken behavior will help prevent a repeat of this behavior.
Yes without significant consequences, infidelity (even just flirting) tends to be repeated. Consequences, natural and not contrived are a healthy way for people to learn. The natural consequence of his flirting is a drop in your trust of him. You may need to point this out to him. "yes, I need to know when you will be home because I can't trust you as much as I did."
There is another important question here about alcohol. You say this is the first time he got sloshed for many years. And that he had way too many. Binge drinking is dangerous, and alcohol wrecks relationships. One natural consequence of this is a stricter restriction on alcohol consumption. I'm not a drinker so I can't tell you what would be appropriate, but a level where he can tell whether he is flirting or not would be important.
FA
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