A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. We are both 22.We used to have a great sex life but over the last 6 months, he doesnt want sex with me. I'd say this has happened gradually, before I had hope but now I know it's useless. He says he's tired, not in the mood, he has a headache and always says stupid things like 'its only 4 o clock, lets wait' and it never happens. He wont even kiss me for more than 5 seconds. I've asked him whats wrong multiple times, he tells me everythings fine 'I was just tired'. I've told him i'm not sexually satisfied, i've said I dont feel close to him and he promises it will change, it never does. I've tried everything, photos, dressing up, doing things I know he likes and When we do have sex, but i'm left feeling empty because i've had to ask for days, I try to make it playful but he seems in a rush, I feel empty. Besides sex we had a great relationship, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how he's so lucky and how much he loves me but now Its affected our relationship to the point where I have nothing to say to him in every day life because I feel so distant from him. I'd really appreciate any advice or thoughts. Thank you all
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in the mood, says he's tired, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 February 2014):
When a guy stops having sex with you, especially a guy that young, the hard truth is the vast majority of the time he is just not attracted to you anymore.Men are simple creatures regarding sex drives. Our evolutionary program is to inseminate as many different females as possible. Although our society has evolved, we are biologically stuck with this relic. This relic is often overcome with emotions and devotion, but at such a young age, that is rarely the case.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
He has checked out of the relationship. He still LIKES you, he still likes having someone to come home to, but he is no longer interested in putting forth and effort to keep YOU happy.
He knows exactly what to say to keep you around. And maybe he DOES find you pretty and lovely, but he could say the same about a poodle, right?
I would consider ending it, and one of you move out. You obviously need more then sweet words to be happy. (most people do).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 February 2014):
The issue, to me, is less about the amount of sex you're having but rather his unwillingness to listen to your pleas and act on them.
You've done everything you can, it's time to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
It's always very difficult to leave someone you love, but it's necessary if you're not happy.
One way to avoid leaving him would be to ask for an open relationship. It may or may not work but it may be worth a shot.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 That's the big farce of the world: men and women are often on an opposite phase of the sinusoid. When men are young, they really have a c.ck in their brain while women often don't feel ready for "it". But as time goes by, women learn to love their body and how it can provide them a lot of pleasure while (some ?) men learn how to restrain their desires in order to be more in control of their thoughts. They feel less unexpectedly aroused too (when I remember my youth, it was highly embarrassing) because they have somehow mastered their instinctive reactions. The hormonal puppets try to cut the strings.At 22, it quite early that said, and there may be another problem with you and your boyfriend. It's difficult to know what exactly as we lack of informations, but I would say that like most of couples, your relationship is mainly based on sex, and as sex drive is fluctuating, when the flow is low, love is gone. That's sadly the end of your chemical reaction, probably. I would say it's time for you to find yourself a new stallion who will fulfill your lusty needs all nights long, and let your boyfriend grow up at his pace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): maybe, there's something wrong in his body, that he's worried about. he may not kiss you longer than 5 seconds 'cos he's afraid that the kiss will lead to sex. maybe he doesn't feel comfortable having sex, or maybe, he just doesn't like it. so, there may not be much you can do but wait for him to feel comfortable. good luck x!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Hi.
Without meaning to insult, could it be he's not simply attracted to you? Or perhaps he's just tired? Maybe he had other things on his mind
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 I feel your pain. I'm a newlywed (just over a year) and my husband has gone off sex.
unlike your guy mine is 40 and having physical issues..
if your guy has had a complete physical work up and everything is fine and he has not gained a bunch of weight (that's hurt our sex life my husband does not feel sexy any more even if I find him that way) and is not doing drugs or alcohol etc... then he may just have a lower drive than you do.
If he's over the relationship (as the previous poster suggests) OR he has a lower sex drive, then there is not much you can do to change it.
Contrary to popular opinion that the woman is always the one that does not want sex, I find more and more as I get older that it's us women complaining that our spouses don't want it but we do.
If he says he loves you and nothing is wrong and you are sure that he's not cheating, or watching too much porn and masturbating, then the options are:
1. live with it (not what I would recommend at your age)
2. ask him to go to couples counseling and make the lack of sex a topic... you may find that he's actually angry about something else and does not even know it himself.
3. leave him and tell him the truth why "honey I love you and want to be with you but I need more sex than you can or will provide"
4. ask if you can take a lover to fill the gap... this is NOT cheating if you seek his approval and permission first....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Your relationship has reached the expiration-date; and your boyfriend is just not that into you.
Of course he is dutifully going to give you compliments on your looks and say he loves you.
What's going to happen if he doesn't? Either an argument, or a pouting spell.
He is content to just coming home after work, having a home-cooked meal, watching TV; then off to bed.
He is unenthusiastic about sex with you; because you've been together too long, and it is routine and boring. Unfortunately; you are unwilling to kick his ass to the curb and start over. You've tried everything you say?
Then what's the point? You're too young to do without sex and affection. You've got another 40 plus years to go before that's supposed to happen. He's too young to suddenly be too tired for sex. Is he ill, having erectile dysfunction, maybe having an affair on the side?
People here are going to suggest sex-games, and talking, and so on and so forth. Once sex dies, just about everything else does too.
You will have to make the final decision. Is what you have enough to stay?
Is four years enough? Is this relationship healthy enough to move on to the next level? If sex is dead now, I guess marriage is totally out of the question.
If he isn't putting forth anymore effort; than why should you waste anymore precious time on a dead relationship?
Most people give the excuse that they are staying "for love." What kind of love? In what form? The kind you give a mother or a sister? Your best friend? Your pet?
What love? If it was a marriage, it would require a lot more effort to make it work. You have the option to end it; and begin preparing yourself for something better, and more fulfilling.
He doesn't want to kiss you or hold you? He's tired alright. Tired of your relationship. Tired of being with you. Tired of working and having to support a relationship he no longer wants to be a part of.
Weight the pros and cons. Is it worth holding on? Or would you be better off ending it? There is a lot more wrong then the lack of sex. You are no doubt in denial.
Either that, or left out a ton of details.
You will need time for healing from a possible breakup.
Which will be inevitable if you can't resolve your sex
deficiency. I have to be blunt; because you must face all possible consequences.
If a breakup is the only solution; there will be a period of grief, detachment, and healing.
You will have to make some self-improvements. You will have to look back on this relationship; and figure out where everything turned for the worse. Then start from a clean slate.
You are in a rut with a "boyfriend" with no sexual attraction for you. He's not your husband. You're now the live-in maid and his roommate. You lie in bed next to a man who doesn't want to touch you. So now what?
Time is ticking away. How long can you hold out?
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