A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Things have been going amazingly well recently between me and my boyfriend. But I recently saw something which really upset me and got me thinking. This year, despite the fact that we text/call each other every day, my boyfriend didn't wish me a happy birthday. I didn't receive any contact from him whatsoever on my birthday (we're in a long distance relationship). Needless to say I was devastated but I forgave him and we moved on. However the other day on facebook, I noticed that he posted on his ex's wall wishing her a happy birthday exactly when the clock hit midnight so he could be the first person. This really upset me because he made such an effort with his ex to wish her a happy birthday yet he just FORGOT that it was my birthday earlier on this year. This makes me so angry.I don't understand him because he was the one who broke up with his ex and then she moved back to her own country. Yet they are still in regular contact. He also keeps a photo of them together in his top drawer even though they were together more than 2 years ago now and he doesn't have one of us. He's even added new photos of her to the drawer since we've been dating. When I confronted him about this he said they've always been there and just outrightly lied to me. I really don't know what to do about this situation anymore. I'm at my wits end. I constantly feel second best because of this girl even though she's in another country. She's willing to come back to this country and be with him again but he said but he doesn't want that. So I just really don't understand. Is he still in love with her? If so then why doesn't he get back together with her. If not, then why does he remain in such close contact and keep her photos in his desk drawer. Your opinions would be much appreciated :)
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broke up, facebook, get back together, his ex, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ice526  +, writes (19 March 2011):
so what happened after..? Are you still with him? or did you finally leave and he went back to his ex....i know though its nothing big as the collapse of world economy, but it does hurt to see him wishing his ex happy birthday when he forgot yours...when we are those who stood by them, yet they still choose the ex....
A
male
reader, ninurai  +, writes (13 June 2010):
I thought I'd just add a male's opinion to all the others. (I made an account and everything :o)
I kinda think I'm in a relationship almost like that right now and if she doesn't change something I'm probably going to end up breaking up with her. (if she doesn't break up with me first) If a person is with someone they shouldn't be hung up on their ex especially after 2 or more years. I think you should tell him how much it bothers you he should at least get rid of the pictures if nothing else, or if he has no reaction then maybe you should break up with him. He should care more about what YOU think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): 1. Do something to make yourself more memorable! Guys need a reason to remember you. Can you do anything to make your facebook more fun and interesting? Post pics of yourself cheating on him with another guy (studies show that shocking images such as these tend to stick in the memory better than others.)2. Change your birthday to the same day as his ex. He will be more likely to remember it this way and he'll be thanking you for saving him the trouble of having to remember two separate dates in the year (confusing.)3. Add some pictures of your own to his special memory drawer. Better yet, replace her pictures with photoshopped pics of you and her together or perhaps of you standing behind her holding an axe. (He will love you for this.)4. Try to befriend her, call or write to her. Post to her facebook on her birthday BEFORE he does.5. Practice dressing, talking and acting like her. She's from another country? Start talking to him with her accent. See #4 above: find out her pet name for him. Start calling him by this name.You're on your way. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 Before you make any hasty decision based on his forgetting your birthday, please let me say, people do forget birthdays, one year I forgot my own child's, the fact he was an adult who understood the pressures I was under at the time eased my guilt a little but there ya go.
Approach him, tell him how you felt seeing him wish her a happy birthday when he had forgotten yours. Give him a chance to explain himself.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (13 December 2009):
It sounds like he is still in love with her. You should not put up with this. If he wants you then he should stop contacting her. About the photos, just take them!!!! Then wait and see if he dares to ask for them. Ask him to stop being each other's friends on FB if he wants to keep you. If he refuses then you know what to do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): What was his excuse for not giving you any attention on your birthday? If you forgave him then you needs to stop pushing him up in a corner for it. Could be he is a ditz and forgetting your birthday made him super conscious about birthdays? Do you have facebook? Facebook sends reminders about everyone's b-days, so that could be why he congratulated his ex so timely.
Aside from that, what sortof pictures does he have of him and his ex? I have pictures of me an my ex too, even though it's been years ago. They're nothing too personal, just some holiday pictures and pictures with me him and other people on activities. I didn't throw them away, because after all they are my memories too like any other event I have pictures from. But I don't pick them up and tare at them for hours exactly. Does your boyfriend do that? Does he pick them up and stare at them often or pay them any extra attention by putting them in an album or anything? Does he have pictures of other things and other people too or just her?
This could mean zero, and it could also mean he's obsessed with her, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. The pictures he "added" could have been there all the time, he might just have rearranged them or maybe he found someone while going through another drawer and wanted to be tidy and place them all in the same drawer.
If you really forgave your boyfriend for forgetting your birthday.. and moved on as you said.. This shouldn't be an issue. There is no law saying that when he didn't congratulate you he's not allowed to congratulate anyone else.
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A
female
reader, Lyra Anna  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 Well, it will be little bit painful; he still cares about her. Maybe he`s not in love with her as much as he was before but he still feels something - it`s obvious. If you feel like second best, you sholud tell him that. Don`t start yelling at him, make stupid actions like taking issue with him etc. Be rather calm, tell him that you feel really bad for the way he behaves towards you and that you want to change situation in relationship because it will be not possible or enjoyable for both later. You need to be wise and proud to yourself and your feelings. If he can`t reconcile with the fact that YOU are his girlfriend now and he always returns to the past, he`s maybe, as such, person you don`t need in your life.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Hi,
Your boyfriend could have forgotten your birthday. Although it may not seem like it to most people, it is an honest mistake to make. This is especially true if you and him have only been together for a short period of time or if you only mentioned it a few times to him before hand. Yes he should have written it down or set a reminder on his phone but its not something that is worth breaking up a relationship over.
AS for him wishing his ex a happy birthday, its still okay. The fact that he waited until midnight to wish her is a bit dodgy- that suggests too much planning and thought- essentially the only thing he did was say happy birthday on facebook. So far so good.
However (this is the bad bit by the way), the photos are not acceptable. If he is with you then he should either have photos of you and him, a photo of his mother or no photos at all. TO have a picture of an ex in the top drawer where he can see it everytime he opens the drawer suggests that he wants a constant reminder of their time together.
I would not go so far as to say you are second best or that he wants to be with her again but I think as far as he is concerned he enjoyed his relationship with his ex. He has fond memories of happier times with her and as a result he wants to keep a token of their relationship with him. This is quite unfair on you, seeing as you are the new leading lady in his life. Tell him how you feel and get him to take the photo and put it somewhere else, where you BOTH cannot see it.
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A
female
reader, beentheretoo +, writes (13 December 2009):
Also, he ust doesn't sound like a very good boy friend and you shouldn't "waste the cute" on someone you have to talk into acting how you want them to act. Again, any lies.... GIANT RED FLAG!!
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A
female
reader, beentheretoo +, writes (13 December 2009):
Umm, have you ever read that book, "He's Not That Into You"?
I think you are in it.
Many people break up by making the other person break up. It's really chicken but they do.
People are not so reckless with something that is precious to him.
Long distance relationships are difficult partially because you don't spend all those hours together, really getting to know someone and it's very common to just "fill in the blanks" in your head about how they would be hour, by hour--You imagine how they would like this or that or behave this or that way in certain situations and it can be way off base. One of the reasons it can seem so romantic is that you get to put what you want in the blank rather than what would be reality so it seems perfect.
This is not perfect. If he's lying about things, especially an ex?
Sounds to me like he's simply keeping all of his options open, period. Not fair, but people do it.
good luck.
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