A
female
age
30-35,
*sdfg
writes:My bf and I are in a long distance relationship, and after a year of talking/chatting/e-mailing we decided to meet up. Things went great, so I took a seasonal job where he lived and moved in with him for a few months, just to see how it would go. For the most part, things are great, except that he seems immature in some ways, mainly with regard to the internet. He spends so much time talking to online penpals around the world. Seriously, like a few hours every single day just responding to messages and finding new people.--He's a sociable person and has plenty of friends he sees regularly. It's not like my guy is antisocial; he's very outgoing. But spending hours a day on online penpals? Come on!!I'd like to think that it's because my guy's job involves him sitting behind a computer for hours a day and that he's 18, but then I worry that even once/if he gets a different job, it'll continue, even as he grows older and "grows up" some more.What do you think? When I was younger, I, too, liked to spend lots of time online, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm still a [Crack]book addict, but it doesn't consume hours of my day and I don't put off doing things with my boyfriend to go and talk to people online. For me, what he's doing was just a phase. Do you think he'll grow out of it too?
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female
reader, asdfg +, writes (8 April 2010):
asdfg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some of your guises questions and elaborate, he's originally from Africa and several of the people he talks to are the people who sponsored him as a child. He grew up VERY poor and his family is still in the same situation; I TOTALLY understand that he wants to talk to those individuals still and stay in their lives. However, they make up maybe 30% of the online equation. A month from now, he and I won't be able to see each other for two years, because he's going home to be with his family for a while. This is why I'm willing to hope that he might grow out of it some, because we won't even be able to see each other for so long if our relationship even lasts that entire time.Does he chat with women online? Yes. But even though he doesn't like it, I check up on him every so often and see what he's up to; with the exception of one occasion where I caught him flirting with some chick on the other side of the world when he was 16, everything appears fine.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2010):
 I see your boyfriend is addicted to DearCupid. No, seriously, I understand your concern.
To answer your question, I'm not convinced that this is an immature phase of his. This might be the way he approaches the world. You met him online, correct? This is his primary social interaction, it gives him pleasure, it's stimulating to talk to people from all over the place and it can be done from the comfortable seat in your own living room.
Have you discussed this with him as a concern? Voiced a little wonderment at the amount of time he spends with the penpals? Because I would be curious to hear what he said. I don't suggest you go attack him about it, I just think asking if he thinks he's spending an appropriate amount of time in cyberland vs. RL.
If you are feeling neglected at that he makes time for the penpals and the internet but not you, you should voice that in a way that helps him see it through your eyes.
I too do FB and I am DC addicted, so I understand a little of what he might feel. My husband sometimes says he wants to put a time limit on my online activities because it is easy to get sucked into that world.
So maybe he just needs a bit more balance. I was really bad here here for a while, I was on ALL the time. I finally had to take some mini-breaks to get things more equilibrized (is that even a word?) and make sure I was getting fresh air and seeing real people. It's about balance, after all.
Getting back to him growing out of it. I don't think he's likely to change his approach to life at this point, maybe he needs some balance, which you could provide by suggesting other activities, but I wouldn't expect him to 'grow out of it.'
He is what he is, to put it in a very cliched way. You have what you have. If you don't think you'll be able to tolerate it, you might want to rethink the viability of your longterm relationship. Remember, you met him online. That's where he seems to be at his happiest.
Relationships are about acceptance, compromise, and the most important things you can practice are patience, listening and cultivating a good sense of humor.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Don't expect people to change mainly if this is how they were when you met them. Sad but true a lot of times females more than man jump into a relationship hoping her boyfriend will change for the better and guess what she marries him and her husband never changed only got worst. Good luck with your relationship and if you are going to wait for him to change grab a chair sit down cause you might get tired.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Is he chatting or flirting with other females? Or are they exchanging naughty pics or something? Why don't you talk to him about it first and let him know what you are thinking or what you are feeling before you worry too much. It may just be a phase he is going through. And fiercebad is correct you can't dwell on him changing or not, until it becomes a big issue that effects your relationship I wouldn't worry about it. Try and work out a compromise if it bother's you that bad.
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