A
female
age
36-40,
*olly HUNG
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years.The first 4 years were long-distance. It was very hard, but we all got through it. We have been together when we were 19 years old and 18 years old. We are each other first love. We saved money during the year and visited each other every summer. He is a French and I'm a Taiwanese. We all take this relationship very seriously. I went to France for studying after my university finished in Taiwan. I had been in France 3 years. Last year I finished my study in France and came back to Taiwan to work. Again, long-distance. I thought it won’t be anything different coz we ever got through that. And he stays in his country for finishing his PhD.We will talk about our next after his PhD. But since I came back, he changed a little bit, he is still that nice, kind, patient guy. But I can feel his study and his job ( he is also assistant professor in university) is too tiring and killing him and maybe also our long-distance thing.But I never thought he would give up our relationship. I can feel he said less sweet things to me. One month ago, I said “ would feel a bit regret if you only have me in your life? Like only would have sex with me? Would you feel in vain to be a man? “ and I laughed like it’s joke. What surprise me was he said “ um…yeah a little bit”. Then I said “ how about 1 year break? And during this one year you can go to find other women , and we back together after one year ?” ( I really hope he would says NO! ah….) He replies” I think its not a bad idea ~ahahah”I know I made a very not funny joke which is digging myself into a painful hell these days. OK, last week , I started to complain he has been a bit careless to me lately. He said sorry and he has been thinking about that “ one year break” thing. He said I’m the one he wants to settle down with but right now he need some free to play and experience other women.He promised there is no one who is attracting him now or having affair. He respects me, so he would never do that.I admit he is very honest to me about the temptations.I ever asked for break up, nothing like a break this kind of ridiculous idea.He said he doesn’t want to break up but he knows that is very selfish to me. So at first we decided to break up instead of “break”.But…it was way too hard and painful, I couldn’t be awake, I only made myself be drunk. After two days, I called him, we both cried a lot. It is too hard for us to just separate. He said we are not lonely lovers and more like family and very best. And I’m the most important person in his whole life. He really hates his feeling go this way. He wants to find our passion back. So finally, I accepted this break. He said after 10 months, when he finish his phd, he will comes to Taiwan to see me and we can start over again. How great if this 10 months is just tomorrow…I know this week I had been like a zombie, I couldn’t eat only wanted to be drunk. But yesterday, I called him , I asked him if he still loves me, he said Yes. And we chatted some daily stuffs. And I promised him I will be more social, I will also go out to meet new people. Anyway after the phone call I feel I can breathe again. Here, I really need your help, your encouragement. Please if you can !My questions are:1. What should I do right now? Can I send him e-mail when I miss him and tell him how much I miss him?( he said we still keep contact, write mail etc but just not everyday like before)I just want our relationship better and he loves more.2. Should I pretend I’m doing fine without him?3. I know this is stupid, but when I think he may has sex with other women, should I find someone to have sex with?Yesterday, I went out and tried to make new friends and guys. But…I when I saw those guys just made miss my boyfriend so much more! I so wanted to cry, so I made myself drunk again…I really appreciate anybody who answers my questions or give me advices or encouragement, really appreciate! Since this happened, I can’t work, I didn’t know I can be so weak and useless like now. I just quitted my job and I plan to visit my friend in Japan, really trying to make myself better. Best, Molly
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): First of all, I think what you need to do is develop some better ways to deal with your pain. You quit your job over this, and you keep getting drunk on purpose to deal with the pain. While it's very normal to feel a lot of pain when your relationship is ending or uncertain, you're just making your problems worse by dealing with it in this unhealthy way of getting drunk.
you should see a therapist to learn some better way to cope with your anxiety and emotional pain, so you don't have to turn to alcohol. It may be that you need or could really be helped by medication. Getting drunk on purpose is your own way of trying to self-medicate, so it would be better to replace the alcohol with REAL medication under the supervision of a professional. Alcohol is a very bad form of depression medication because it hampers your judgment and has a lot of bad side effects.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 You were testing his commitment level and he FAILED. You're depressed, you quit your job and drinking too much as a result of HIS decision to take this break. Is he depressed like you? Is he quitting his job and drinking himself into oblivion? No, he isn't. Why do you think that is? Why do you think he decided to take you up on your silly 10 month break offer? Why do you think he didn't tell you he is miserable and that this whole 10 month break is a bad idea? Why do you think he didn't tell you that he no longer wants this and he only wants you? Face the truth: he doesn't care or love you as much as you think.
"He said I’m the one he wants to settle down with but right now he need some free to play and experience other women."
Why? Since when is this normal, healthy behavior? If he wanted to settle down with you, if you were the only woman in his life:
1. He wouldn't need to date and have sex with other women. 2. He would feel just as you did on the scene - not interested in other men because you only want to be with your boyfriend and all the men made you miss him.
"He promised there is no one who is attracting him now or having affair. He respects me, so he would never do that."
How does he respect you if he told you he wants to play the field and experience other women? So just because he is not having sex with women RIGHT NOW, he suddenly has respect for you? Just because he TELLS you that he is having sex with other women and not keeping it a secret - somehow that means having RESPECT for you? Having respect for someone means you DON'T have sex or date other people. And this is EXACTLY what he will be doing in a week, or a month or two. If the person you love decides to put you on the shelf for 10 months like you're a book, and he has relationships with women....HOW is that respectful to you?
"He said he doesn’t want to break up but he knows that is very selfish to me. So at first we decided to break up instead of “break”.
It's ALL selfish, don't you see that? It would be LESS selfish if he just told you it's over. This way you can move on with your life without torturing yourself for 10 months, wondering what he is doing, who he is doing, where you stand in his life and being miserable. No, he IS selfish by keeping you in his life and getting action on the side.
"And I’m the most important person in his whole life. He really hates his feeling go this way. He wants to find our passion back. So finally, I accepted this break."
Again, if he is "crying" and he "hates" this, WHY does he want the break? How do you get your passion back by screwing other women? Getting passion back would means WORKING with YOU TOGETHER and solving the problem. You don't solve any relationship problems by screwing or seeing other people.
Taking this break is his way of either:
a. Using the break as a free pass to get with as many women as he wants without lying to you
b. His way of unofficially breaking up with you
Just look at yourself! You're miserable and you don't want this break. You have chosen to idly accept HIS decision without disagreeing or telling him that this is NOT OK and that is making you miserable. You're letting this man walk all over you and your emotions, while trying to make excuses for his words and decisions. I think it's time for you to realize that you love this man waaaay more than he will ever love you. I think it's time for you to realize and accept that your silly game has shown you a side of him that is very shitty and that it's over.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2012):
 You do realize you set this up… You planted the seed in his head about you being his one and only forever and it started him thinking.
THEN YOU OFFERED him a one year break. HOPING he would say NO … testing his love and commitment to you… and sadly he has done what you didn’t want him to do…He took you up on it.
You wanted him to go “NO NO NO I LOVE ONLY YOU and I will deny myself the ability to figure out what is right and wrong for us and just be with YOU and YOU ALONE” and he didn’t. And you are hurt.
Personally I don’t believe in BREAKS… either you are together or you are not. You can be together in an open relationship but most folks can’t cope with that.
To be honest, I think your relationship has run its course. 7 years at your age is like a lifetime and who and what you are as a teen changes dramatically as you get into your mid and late 20s…
Why did you not stay in France with him? Why did you go back to Taiwan to work?
You want a better relationship and for him to love you more but you can’t make him love you more sweetie… he loves you as much as he can…
Why is this all about sex? Do you think that having sex with someone makes it better? Take some time for yourself and figure out who you are and what you want.
Go out with your girlfriends… join a woman’s discussion group…
YOU Quit your job over this? I think you need to find a good therapist and figure out why your entire life is so tied up in a relationship that you set up to end… YOU were the one to suggest the break… so deep down inside you must have felt that something was wrong.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 HI
Its always very hard and takes to very strong and committed people to handle a LDR. I think when you planted the thought of seeing other people for a year, opened a door in his mind, maybe a break for 10 months will do you both good, I wouldn't keep too much contact, maybe write an email once a month, but no mushy stuff, just asking how his phd is going, dont let on how much your missing him, let him come back to you. If its meant to be it will be. However I would advise you to stop drinking so much, this will only sink you into depression. Before you go your seperate ways for the 10 months have a good long talk with him, so you both know exactly where you both stand, ask
1) will you both be starting again definately, or is he not sure? ( if not sure then I would move on now, dont wait around for him.
2) Is he 100% sure that seeing other people works both ways, meaning your free to meet whom ever you want in this time apart.
3) ARE YOU BOTH PREPARED for the fact this could end things completely, as one or both of you could meet someone else and fall inlove?.
Mandy x
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