A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:Please help! I don't trust my own judgment because I have anxiety/depression and take meds.I have a b/f who I have been seeing for about three yrs - All my friends say he is using me - I have decorated and remodelled his house, landscaped, planted a garden, not to mention the usual domestic things - like sex and dinner and being a lovely hostess when we have people over. I do not live with him - I have my own house - He does not do projects here - My daughter does not like him or his daughters who are ages 10 and 12 - My daughter is 14. Anyway, question is, last year in March I found out he was registered on many dating sites and active on them - he didnt go out with anyone as he spends all his free time with me at his house doing projects.We had a talk and I forgave him - I found out recently that he looks at lots of porn - I asked if I could with him and maybe we could try some - he said no. Last week he was signed into one of those sites again and I discovered that he or his daughters have been texting the ex-fiance (who he has no children with) with the phone I pay for!To top this all off he sent me a text message, proposing to me on my daughters phone - knowing it would upset her - then when I asked if he was serious he said no - he was half asleep and didn't mean it. I am so sick about this - I have done so much for him and we laugh and have alot in common, but he has started calling me names and pinching me, and he has always told me no when i want sex and to back off.Is is me or is he not right for me? I just want to be treated right but I dont know what that is really, cause I was in an abusive marriage before. My boyfriend thinks I am nuts because of my medication and that I 'think' too much.I know I have written before but help!It just seems I am giving and giving and if I am not there when he wants me he gets pissy.
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female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (10 May 2008):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure if he will get violent - he most likely will tell everyone what a nut I am. Most of his neighbors know me better than that and dont get along with him actually -
I am sure his mother will have something to say - I did talk to his ex-wife earlier today and it was a hard road for her to have been married to him = He hasnt changed and this is not the first we have compared notes - We were actually talking because of the kids as I was telling her I could not be responsible for them anymore and but wanted to let her know that he now has all the cable channels and no blocks on the tv.
You will see in my next post waiting for approval how it went - I did make a move - it felt right but he was an ass before and after I left and more to come tomorrow I am afraid -
Thanks to all of you for helping me thru this so far - keep me in your thoughts and add more advice
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Hi, Chippy, may I ask why you're afraid to end this relationship? Does the getting 'pissy' comment mean you're afraid he's going to be violent?
I'm concerned about this.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 You are not nuts. Your instincts are spot on.
You don't propose to someone and tell them that you didn't mean it, you were "half asleep".
His looking at dating sites means he's seriously toying with the idea of finding someone else.
His calling you names and pinching you is not a nice thing to do to someone you love.
He is selfish; he gets pissy when you're not there when he wants you; he is using you; he is withholding sex; he is watching porn.
It sounds extremely unhealthy and you don't need this kind of arsehole in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): It sounds to me like you're not over-reacting whatsoever.
There are numerous red flags and if I was in your position, I'd be looking out!
The trust is, some men (and women) have a subconscious knack for spotting giving and emotional people who are a dealing self-esteem at the same time. He sounds like he's got issues. I'd be very careful. He sounds manipulative. I suspect you're somewhat used to the abuse so you take it and even question whether it's just perhaps a part of life. That's the scary part! It doesn't have to be this way. He probably is using your kindness and forgiving nature to see how far he can take it--maybe not even on purpose, but it's how he is programed; it's how he survives.
Honestly, it looks like it's time to move on! Don't let him tell you something is wrong with you because I'm 101% sure he is partly doing that to undermine your self-esteem so you'll put up with his abuse, which he may not himself even perceive as being abuse. I wouldn't be wishing on a star that he'll wake up and see how much you are hurting, and know what to do about it. You need to be confident in yourself. I think you already know deep down that you can't go on like this, but you're afraid to trust yourself, so you trust him instead. Maybe you're comfortable with the abuse to some extent because it's "home" for you (your past marriage). Giving. giving, giving makes you feel like you're trying and makes you feel better for a while (as if it MUST be eventally be returned in some way)--but when he doesn't appreciate you? Don't ride the rollercoaster just for the highs. I know a part of you thinks and wonders if you can go on like this forever, but you already know you owe it to your daughter to help yourself. Children learn best by example.
Sadly, I know you probably won't leave right away, because you'll doubt yourself until the damage is too much. That's the tragic part. Tragic because you do not even trust yourself anymore and don't know in your heart what is reasonable. Tragic because even your daughter sees what you cannot see, yet one day she'll find herself along the same path...
I hope that doesn't end up being your story. So please, remember to be brave. Remember you'll face so much uncertainty about leave and it's NORMAL to wonder you're doing. Just keep on going (run from him)... seriously.
You know what to do! Good luck to you! God Bless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): So what if he gets pissy? Seriously, so what? Will he pinch you, oops he's doing that already. Will he withold sex? He's doing that already too. He'll be in contact with your ex? He's doing that too, and on YOUR dime. Will he look at porn, wait, he's doing that already again too.
You see a certain pattern here?
Leave him to his devises and get your phone and much more importantly, your pride and dignity!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Ok you mentioned that you are on meds for anxiety/depression and I notice also you don't really mention how you feel about this ass.
So I suspect you already know the answer here, pinching and name calling are forms of abuse and you must surely recognise that. He's not right for you and deep down you know it but you don't want to be alone so you haven't dumped him yet.
Gather your strength a chuck him, there's somebody better out there for you.
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