A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 40-something woman dating a 40-something man for over a year. I have been divorced for 6 years and have done a little dating, but have only had one serious relationship before my current boyfriend. I met my ex husband just after high school and we dated for 5 years and then married. I had no real dating experience before him (some short-lived high school boyfriends/prom dates). Anyway, I was in love with my previous boyfriend. For whatever reason (inexperience with men, a desire to prove that I could make a relationship work, real love for him, something) I did the classic no-no. Over and over he showed me and sometimes TOLD me that our relationship had no future. There were times that he lead me to believe that we'd get married, but these times were few and far between. His ACTIONS did not back up his words at these times in many ways. We broke up and got back together several times. Once he broke up with me. I did it the rest of the times. Each time we were apart I really missed him. I mean, really missed him. Truly what I missed was our ability to connect on an emotional and intellectual level. We really "got" each other. We talked and laughed for hours and hours. We would have dinner at his house and just sit at the counter with a bottle of wine and my feet on his lap and just have such a great time. He loved it and enjoyed it, too. But he just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I have a son (he has kids, too, but they are older and out of the house). He told me that he was too selfish and would be a bad stepfather. He didn't want to give up any of his adult evenings out for any kid activities. We parted ways and I finally got it through my thick head that this man was too selfish and self-centered to take a relationship any further that just fun dating, dinners, outings, etc. The man I am currently dating is wonderful in every way that the old guy wasn't. He is there. Present in my life. He is generous and loving and good to me and the "real deal". However, our conversations are limited. They are good, but not like the "old guy". It's mostly becuase I don't have the new boyfriends full attention. He is very distracted and likes to check on the sports scores too much. Most of the time I can deal with it, but I will admit, when it gets really bothersome, it makes me miss what I had with the old boyfriend. I don't miss HIM. I don't miss anything else about HIM. I know what a jerk he is in every other way (I could list them for hours, truly), but I miss that piece. Well, for whatever reason the old guy calls me and tells me that he's married. There's a long, strange reason why which has nothing to do with the story. My jaw hit the floor. Honestly. It was less than a year after he was trying to string me along that he met and married another woman. I know it happens all the time to toher people, but it really stung. Not because I want him back. But because I thought all along that he was too selfish. But as it turns out, he just didn't want ME. It hurt for a minute. Well, an hour or two. My eyes welled up with tears at the sheer shock and surprise. I was angry that he lied to be about wanting to marry me just to keep me around and angry because I was too blind to see...or just didn't want to believe it. This is a very long story...sorry. That's the background. My question is...my current boyfrind called me just after I hung up with married guy. He could tell I was upset, and like a fool, I told him what happened. Now new guy is SO VERY ANGRY with me. He's furious. He's convinced that I still love old guy. We may break up over this. I'm devastated. I love my boyfriend and everything between us has been good. He won't let me call him. He wants me to take a few days and think about how I really feel about him. I don't need to think about it. But I'm doing it because he wants me to. The more I think about it, though, I feel like he's punishing me. I am a thoughtful, intelligent woman. I have explained myself in thoughtful, intelligent ways. I understand his hurt and did not try to diminish it. I apologized many times. Each time we talked and it felt like it was getting better. Then we would talk again and he'd be crazy man angry again yelling and screaming into the phone aobut f-ing this and f-ing that. I tell him how I feel about him and how I DON'T have lingering feelings of love or anything else for old guy. Each time he responds by saying that I'm lying and it's not true. Any thoughts?
View related questions:
broke up, divorce, got back together, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): "Old guy" did you a huge favor, OP. He let you see that "new guy" is no better, only bad for you in a different way. Raging, cursing and calling you a liar? This is a 40-something man? He needs to grow up. You deserve better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): Sorry OP but he's right, you still have a very deep emotional attachment to your ex. I mean read your question again and look at how much detail you go into about how much you miss that part of him.
I don't miss one single thing about any of my ex's OP, it doesn't matter what happens in their lives nothing would effect me as much as hearing he was married has effected you.
You don't sound over him at all OP, there is a lot of passion in how you describe him, some of that is negative and you vehemently deny having and feelings for him but if you didn't you wouldn't need to stress it so much. You wouldn't have gone into that much detail about how much he meant to you.
If you didn't have feelings for him then why did it upset you so much?
"I know it happens all the time to toher people, but it really stung. Not because I want him back. But because I thought all along that he was too selfish. But as it turns out, he just didn't want ME. It hurt for a minute. Well, an hour or two. My eyes welled up with tears at the sheer shock and surprise"
You see what I mean? OP anger and resentment are very passionate feelings, you know being bitter or angry about an ex means you still have feelings. Deny it all you like but if feelings weren't there you'd feel nothing, nothing at all.
Now I think your boyfriend is overreacting but I can understand his anger, you saying there is no feeling there is an absolute lie, maybe a lie you tell yourself too but crying, anger, deep bitterness are feelings OP, you don't have to be longing and loving to still have feelings for someone, negative feelings are the same thing, you're not over him if this is your reaction to him.
"I DON'T have lingering feelings of love or anything else for old guy." Oh really? So I guess your shocked reaction, crying, anger they're not what you would consider "anything" then no?
OP I too would get angry with you and I too would give you time to think about it because your words ring hollow and until you can admit the exceptionally obvious then I would see no future with you. Your reaction to that news involved some very deep emotions and you're completely trying to deny there were any. How else do you propose your boyfriend deal with that. Reverse the roles for a minute, say your boyfriend was in tears after hearing one of his ex's got married what would you think about that? And would you really let him get away with saying "oh that was just then I'm over it now, there are literally no feelings there at all"? No OP because he's be lying to you and you'd be a fool to let that slide.
Now he should not be f-ing you out of it and it really is better that you two not talk about this for a little while,because while you may never want your ex back you do miss him and have feelings left. You say you only miss part of him, the talking part, that is missing him!!!! That is missing the person OP, you may like to think you can separate people into tiny little chunks but you can't. Missing part of someone is missing the person and your reaction was far too emotional for you to really get away with "I feel nothing" I'm sorry OP but if I was your new guy I'd be gone. We're together a year and one phonecall from your ex turns you to mush and then you try and deny it had any effect on you. I simply can't date liars and especially ones that like to themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 April 2012):
 While I don't think that he should be screaming into the phone at you, I actually thing he's right. You're not over this old guy, and you do love him, or your response to his phone call wouldn't have been to tear up and cry for an hour.
Even this very post with its detail about the other guy shows that you're not over him. You keep comparing your new guy to your old one at every turn. Your current boyfriend cannot win!
Add to that the fact that this old boyfriend who got married thought of calling you? Are you still in contact with him? Facebook friends? Sending emails?
Your current boyfriend had a very understandable reaction to hearing that you not only were in contact with your ex, but the thought of his getting married had you bawling for an hour. If an ex were to call me to inform me of his new marital status, I'd say "good for you", find a reason to get off the phone, then I'd block him and call my husband and tell him what happened. My *indifference* would have told the story he wanted to hear. He might have been pissed off that an ex contacted me, but he would have known that no ex can ever cause me to react in any emotional fashion.
I think you do take some time away from your current boyfriend, who is hurt at your expression of emotion towards your ex. Let things cool off, and then you call him and arrange to see him face to face. You do not have these discussions over the phone. Then when you get together, talk about the fate of your relationship.
But I think you're not over your ex. No way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Firstly I think your ex set out to deliberately hurt you by telling you that he didn't want you and to me that shows that he has some feelings for you still. I'm not saying he's in love with you or anything but if he truly saw the relationship as over and done and wished you well with your life he wouldn't have felt the need to say that to you.
Secondly, you have apologised to this new man over and over but hes not movin on from this. I would tell him that you know he's hurt, you understand why and that you are sorry but you can't keep being screamed at over this. Tell him to come back when he's ready to move on from this and forget it. He's being a bit dramatic in my opinion, anyone in your position was going to feel hurt by what their ex said, I don't think your reaction was wrong or inappropriate.
...............................
|
