| A
male
,
*rett
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and he no longers wants sex with me. When he masturbates he thinks about sex with other people. Does this mean our relationship is dead and i should move on? Or does it mean sex is boring and if so how can i change it?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (22 May 2006):
 Oh, yes I never realised that either, I assumed you were female also. I kind of overlooked the part where it said you were male thats why I assumed he was thinking of other women, my mind only thinks of maen and women in a relationship. I apologise.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 May 2006):
 I just noticed you are male. My post below was written thinking you are female. But I think it applies equally to a male couple also.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (22 May 2006):
This is a tricky subject. I have a particular set of views on this, not all may agree. I also think you should consider trying my advice before you consider anything as drastic as leaving him. A 4 year relationship is something worthwhile, and you might find solving this problem together takes your relationship to a new level.
In particular, reading the book 'My secret garden' by Nancy Friday made me come to these conclusions (they are pretty much her conclusions). In it she catalogs the huge variety of fantasies that women have described whilst having sex, and discusses their motivations. In many places women talk about their guilt, supression and suffering resulting from not allowing themselves to fantasize. And in other places women describe themselves accepting fantasy, and the positive results they have experienced. She did a similar book of mens fantasies. FYI the most common male fantasy is sex with another person, whilst sex involving some kind of force or constraint was common with women, though womens fantasies seem to have a lot more variety (and detail).
Fantasy is a very natural part of sex. It is natural, normal and healthy to fantasize whilst having sex. Not all the time, sometimes sex is best very slow and intimate and tender, sometimes fast and furious, and sometimes lost in your own inner fantasies. Variety keeps sex interesting and not mundane in a long monogomous relationship, and fantasy is one way of creating this variety.
There is a stigma (for some) against this. The idea that whilst you are making love to your partner you could be dreaming of a handsome stranger seducing you on a train in Switzerland is seen as unfaithful to some. Whilst this makes some sense, I just don't think its how we are made. Its not how our minds work in reality.
I think fantasy helps men and women equally.
I would suggest you experiment allowing your boyfriend to feel comfortable fantasizing whilst he is having sex with you (ie not masturbating alone). Tell him that you want him to try doing that. You might find that he starts to want to have sex with you, and that the sex (for him) will improve all-round.
Also, consider fantasizing yourself. You probably have some fantasies already, perhaps they are there under the surface somewhere? Maybe masturbate alone and see what your mind comes up with. Then try thinking those thoughts again when you are making love.
Consider describing your fantasies to each other. You might find you turn each other on by doing it. Even consider describing them as you are having them, during sex. And maybe, consider acting some of them out.
For me recently it turned out that my girlfriend and I shared a particular fantasy, involving having sex in the toilet in a public place. For us, acting out this fantasy was a lot of fun, and made our sex life and relationship better.
I'll just add that plenty of people might disagree with what I just said. Personally I see myself as a fairly conservative, 'moral' person, including sexually. But I don't think fantasy should be seen as something peverse or sacreligeous, and certainly not something to feel guilty or ashamed of.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (22 May 2006):
My dear you have answered your question and it is the former, the relationship is dead. No the sex is not boring, you need to move on because how dare he think about other women when he is stimulating himself, its wrong and you should notput up with that. Why would you want to be intinate with a guy who is dreaming of sex with other women? Leave him, dont you think you deserve to be the centre of attention? Get rid of him my friend, is he wants sex with others, leave him to do so, you deserve better.
...............................
|
