A
female
age
36-40,
*heW0lfx
writes:I've been in an LDR with my bf coming up to a year. I see him a few times a month and the time I get with him is precious. However, I feel lately that he's making no effort in our relationship. He tells me the things I want to hear, like he loves me very much but he does not show it. When we don't get to see each other I hardly hear from him and when I do, it's just a quick text message with spelling mistakes because he's rushed it. I feel like he hasn't got time for me and that I annoy him when I text him, which is only a handful of times. Also when we are together, a lot of the time he's betting on racing on his phone and then checking it for updates to see if he's won! He is a good guy and he's lovely to me but I feel like he could happily be with or without me. When I've mentioned how I feel he says I'm being silly and that I'm too sensitive and of course he loves me, but how can I believe that if I don't feel it? Is he right, am I just being silly and over sensitive?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 March 2015):
 I'm the aunt that thinks you should stop "rowing the boat"
let me explain it.
let's say you two are in a rowboat and you are in the front.
you are rowing the boat to move forward and you think he's rowing the boat too but you are getting tired so you think "I'll just rest my arms a few minutes" and you stop rowing.
It's then that you realize you are just DRIFTING now... that he was NOT rowing WITH you rather he was letting you carry him along in the boat with you not really caring if he was there or not.
So what you do to figure out what's going on is you stop rowing the relationship boat.
You do not call him
You do not suggest plans
You do not text him or facebook him or try to contact him in any way
WHEN he calls, you are light and cheery and receptive to him and his questions but you do not initiate anything... do not ask "when will I see you" do not invite him over
wait for him to contact you and see what happens.
It's very eye opening.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 March 2015):
 As you have spoken to him about this and he says you are being too sensitive and of course that he loves you, well, you have his words. Now, check out his actions.
Don't row the relationship boat, as another aunt on here puts it.
I would probably let this relationship end if I were in your shoes. It would probably be very easy as he doesn't do much of the connecting work.
Sorry.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 March 2015):
 Well, isn't he in the 'catbird seat'? The question isn't are you being silly. The real question is why would you put up with this nonsense? an ultimatum is required. He sounds like an idiot to me but that's your call. If you want to continue being 'used' and questioning your sanity then do nothing. If you want a real relationship tell him to poop or get off the pot. Make up your mind and don't hold back, your sanity is at risk make him be a man and choose what it is he wants. Good Luck to you,be stronger and you'll be happier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): Does it matter? i.e. Does it matter if he really loves you or not if as you said YOU don't feel that way about HIM?I mean he could be Mr Perfect and if you don't love him, you don't love him.I think that's what you need to figure out first.The other thing-"He is a good guy and he's lovely to me but I feel like he could happily be with or without me. " That's so funny, you could've described me! Or at least I think that's how I appear to be to people. No matter how much I love someone if they decide to leave, you're right, I won't be hanging myself from the ceiling and my life will not be "over".I'd be sad, yes, maybe even very sad, but ultimately you can't make anyone love you,so if they decide to leave it wasn't meant to be (+I have to admit I'm very independent I guess...Emotionally speaking.)Why do you attach your own worth/happiness to how he treats you?Why do you expect him to make you happy? (sorry,it sounded a bit like that to me-you're saying he's lovely yet in the same breath you say how inconsiderate he is to you. They way I interpret that-"Oh,if he'd just stop being inconsiderate to me I'd be happy!" Well,yes...until a new problem comes up.)Find happiness within yourself, be content with who you are and then you won't need constant reaffirmation from him or anyone else. His mood swings won't affect you as much.Btw,I think he is an inconsiderate prat, but not exactly because of the way he treats you-more because if the way he addresses what you see and identify to be a "problem". Even if it's not a problem for him or he doesn't see it that way, he should NEVER be dismissive of your feelings.You went to him about something you felt strongly about and instead of discussing it like two rational adults he offended you (by calling you "silly" and "too sensitive"). He deflected. He didn't want to deal with the issue so he turned it on you.Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do so? Or doesn't want to seem like the bad guy so he is trying to get you to drop him instead of him breaking up with you?I don't know... The flaky contact... I have to say I've done it/been extremely forgetful too,BUT I always followed up with a skype call in the evening (even if I did not have the time/forgot to answer texts).Every evening.Do you talk apart from texting? If you do, then maybe don't text him all the time and just reserve whatever you wanna say about your day for the evening call? But,yeah,contact should be more than just a few random texts here and there...Defo more!
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A
female
reader, Auntie_C +, writes (12 March 2015):
 I'm assuming sageoldguys post is implying your bf may be cheating since those are some serious signs right there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): No, you are not being silly. You are entitled to your own feelings and to what you expect out of a relationship. If you feel you are not being loved enough then you are not being loved enough.I think you may require much more out of this relationship than he does. The long distance factor is not necessarily a good thing. It can contribute to issues between you. He may be quite content with the bare minimum but you are not. And there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you are both on a different page when it comes to your relationship. It seems to be unbalanced to somebody on the outside looking in.To me it seems as if you require more affection and reassurance and perhaps he is not the affectionate or demonstrative type. Perhaps you both express your love differently. So it is entirely possible he loves you but in his own way and expresses it his own way, which may be different from yours. Not to say he is necessarily wrong. But perhaps is not meeting your needs.I do believe words mean nothing without actions behind them or you don't need words sometimes as long as the actions are there. It is the behaviour that matters, not the words. So he can say anything he wants to you, including "I love you" but of course not mean it or think he means it. The actions and the things he does show whether he loves you or not. If you feel he doesn't, you are probably right. We just women know these things. And you have been with him almost a year so you have understanding of his character and behaviour by now.The fact he does not communicate with you much while you are apart says a lot to me. The fact he is actually ANNOYED at you for communicating says a lot. This isn't good. A man who is really into you is happy to hear from you and it would not matter if you texted his ear off, he would still be happy to hear from you. The fact he responds with very little effort and few words says a lot too. Does he ask you how you are? What is new with you? Does he want to know about what is happening in your life? Is he involved in your life? Or just a spectator? Does he ask these relevant questions? If not, well, I am sorry to say he is only doing the bare minimum to maintain a relationship of sorts in order to get the benefits which are clearly of the sexual nature. I think some on DC have referred to it as the "girlfriend experience."It seems the time he spends with you is not quality time even though it should be precious as you see each other very little. So he should not be on his phone playing betting games a lot of the time. You would think he would realize the value of your time together and not partake in such silly time wasting activities in your presence. This is very offensive to you. I can see that. Cleary he does not value what he does have and is taking you for granted. You should be in a "honeymoon phase" of sorts being in a LDR. Goes with the territory. And you are only one year in. So it is still new. But somehow that spark or connection isn't there. Something seems to be missing.You are not being oversensitive. I think you need to decide if you are willing to put up with this behaviour. Because you did talk to him and tell him how you feel and he is not changing for you. If he truly cared, he would change his behaviour to make you happy. Calling you oversensitive is not the answer. He is avoiding whatever is truly going on by such a blanket statement. He is turning his behaviour on you. Making it your fault. But it isn't. His emotional unavailability will never be your fault.Do you TRUST him fully? What does he do when he is away from you?Are you absolutely sure he is not cheating? I am sorry to have to say that but you do need to consider this possibility. Or could he have another woman in his life that you are not aware of?If you wish, you could lay it all out on the line... basically he has to do or die. Express this relationship isn't going to work out for you the way it's going and see if he changes knowing the circumstances are dire.But I am still not convinced there isn't someone else in the picture. Sorry. :(Hope it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 March 2015):
 I suggest that you ask him WHICH of his two girlfriends he fancies the more; YOU, or the OTHER ONE.
Once you know that, you can make a wise decision to either continue to hang with him... or to dump him and get on with your life...
Good luck...
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