A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I could really use your advice to help me determine if I am over reacting in this situation.I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for about five months so the relationship is very new. But I am having a problem with his attention on a female friend. He has known her for a year. She just recently separated from her husband and has to manage on her own for the first time with a three-year-old girl. She is crying on my boyfriend's shoulder as "his friend." And my boyfriend is there for her. He supports her, listens to her, texts her, and tells her that her friendship means a lot to him. Whenever she texts, he answers her back right away. I worry that they are too close.Am I over reacting or could there be more to it? It does not help that she is drop dead gorgeous and a great person who has everything going for her! I just don't see why he needs to get himself involved in this at all? Should he not be drawing a line? Staying away because HAS a girlfriend already and he should not be giving her the wrong idea? And why is she relying on him so much? I am afraid she might be wanting to take things further than friendship with him. Am I wrong for being concerned? Am I being selfish or stupid?It's just that I don't think a guy who's in a committed relationship should be putting himself in a position of helping another woman get over her marriage. I think he is walking on dangerous ground. What do you guys think?Why is he even doing this unless he has feelings for her? I suspect he does really care about this woman. It is really upsetting. Because although we have been going out for five months, he still seems to be holding back from me and not giving me his whole heart. I asked him if he ever mentions me to her or if she even knows about me. He hesitated to answer me but finally said he never talks about me to her. He said that I never come up. Is that not another red flag?He even talks about how cute and adorable her daughter is!Please help! Is he just putting in time with me until she is free?What am I supposed to do?
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female
reader, Cezza_4  +, writes (17 September 2015):
My boyfriend is being manipulated by two girls at work. One of them told me he never mentions me, thats she didnt know he had a girlfriend and hes always flirting with her- i know he talks anout me other people tell me he does all the time. He went out with them the other night, i wasnt invited, he cant understand why im angry. The girl im most concerned about is known as a slut, she doesnt want my boyfriend she only wants him to want her. I trust my boyfriend, i dont trust her. Oh i should mention the other woman in this story (not the slut), is his manager and the slut is her best friend. These two have already manipulated my best friend against me, at first it was to see how my relationship with my boyfriend was. Now i dont have my best friend and am scared of losing my boyfriend.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (29 July 2012):
 Hi,
I just want to say that you do have the right to feel this way, and to be concerned. I am not sure what your boyfriend intensions are, but I don't understand why he hasn't mentioned about you to her female friend. Trust your gut feeling. It's a good thing that this relationship is fairly new, so you have many options, but I have to agree that no man is worth fighting. Also, don't be angry at this woman, remember she's not doing anything to you, because she doesn't know about you. Sorry that you are in this situation. Sometimes, I don't understand man, what's the point of this, right? Hope you make the right decision, and everything works out for you.
Good luck/nest wishes"
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 Like Abella and AuntyBimBim, I think your concerns are valid and I don't think you're being selfish or stupid at all.
Many a relartionship has started ut as one friend helping another during a difficult time. I don't think this friend is necessarily TRYING to steal your boyfriend away or has any designs on him. She's vulnerable right now and is leaning on the closest shoulder at hand. The problem is she may develope feelings and, as you fear, he for her.
My motto is don't fight for a man. I only want to be with someone who is absolutely sure he wants to be with me. If I have to fight for him, then he isn't so sure. Don't issue any ultimatums and don't make rules for him, but set limits for yourself. You can't force him to do or not do anything, but his choices will influence yours. You could say something like that.
On the other hand AuntyBimBim's approach might be the right one. If you decide to go that route, then do as she says and be as blind as he appears to be when suggestions are made that your help isn't required.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 July 2012):
 Woops, hit enter in error.
If the above is not your style, then tell him straight out you are not prepared to be in a relationship where you only have 25% of the attention of the other person, that you feel you are being pushed aside, that you have concerns his focus has shifted. His response to that should assist you to make a fully informed decision about what to do next, ie stick with it, or move on.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 July 2012):
You are right to be concerned, I have seen this happen before.
Her appeal to him is that she makes him feel like a big strong broad shouldered man every time she whimpers "oh poor me".
I honestly don't think he has you on hold until she if free, my gut feeling is that she sees him as her next signiicant other, and he is blind to being manipulated by an expert ... she even has a lovely little girl to make goo goo eyes at him.
If you want him you are going to have to fight fire with fire. Put on your gingham apron and be the sweet little helper. Just force your way in when he goes to "help" her. Do some simpering of your own "maybe another woman to talk to would help, please let me talk to her" .... make a casserole, bake her a cake, insist he takes you over there to deliver it in person, offer a 'family' treat, take her and the daughter to the zoo or out for mac donalds or something equally family orientated, be as blind as he appears to be when suggestions are made that your services, much as they are appreciated, are not really needed.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 July 2012):
 She may be partially inattainable to him. but he has an emotional connection to her and she is happy to make use of it while it suits her.
Some women are unbelievably good at putting on this 'needy' act. And if they are particularly attractive the guys fall for it every time.
There may have been a time when she gave him some hope that something between the two of them could develop. Not that she meant it, but just a hint, a grateful glance, a few soothing words and he has probably held a torch for her for some time.
Does he have a WishList for the future with her? So that his apparent Platonic Emotionally connected Secondary friendship based association can move up to become his primary relationship.
Shh? Don't tell him. But she has no intention of making him her primary relationship.
He is just fullfilling the role of Mr Fixer for her.
Right now she wants to vent, get someone to believe her side of the story, receive support and just lean on him emotionally.
And he is eager to oblige.
As soon as something better turns up (for her) he will be history like her ex.
If you truly care about him then work with him, to get him to open up to you.
Ask him to turn his phone off when he is at home with you to ensure you and he can enjoy some quality time.
If you have these concerns and any other doubts then ask him if he hopes that one day she can become more than 'just a friend' to him in the future.
You are not wrong and not stupid to voice these concerns. You raise some very valid concerns. And you are right to do so.
Yes, i would be concerned that he does not mention you to the other lady.
Are you and him not his Primary relationship?
Why does he feel the need to drop everything for what is supposed to be a platonic Secondary relationship?
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