A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey, so im in need of some advice.I started seeing this guy (we'll call him guy) in december around the 15th. He bought a car off of me and after that we continued to text a lot, like at least 6 times a day, really long texts talking about our lives etc. They became very flirty, and we met up a few times with friends on nights out etc and had a great laugh. The only thing is, i had a boyfriend at the time, who i was planning on breaking up with anyway, so obviously after a while the conversation about me having a boyfriend popped up whilst talking to guy, and after pouring my heart out about how unhappy i was with him, guy was very supportive and friendly about it. Now, the second week of us hanging out we went to the local club for the evening with a bunch of friends, his Ex girlfriend whom he dated for about 6 months last year was there.I saw them chatting a few times and decided to ignore it, seeing as we werent officially an item anyway, and i believed that he wasnt insensitive enough to get with her whilst he was getting involved with me. That night we talked about the fact that i was going to break up with my boyfriend and that we both wanted to get together after i had. We also shared our first kiss that night, which was amazing, and i was so happy about.. Take in to consideration that me and my boyfriend were no longer having sex becuase i felt awful, we were barely even kissing, i was just waiting for the right time to break up with him.well now here we are 4 months down the line, i broke up with my boyfriend on january 4th, and i am have no been in a relationship with guy for 3 months. So the other day i came across a message on facebook between him and his best friend (he tends to leave his facebook on on his ipad and doesnt mind me going on it to talk to people instead of having to log out and back in all the time etc) and i saw a conversation between them from the night that we had our first kiss. Well. All i saw before i broke down in tears was"guy: woke up with a sore throat and a stiff tongue this morning man.best friend: hahaa i bet, did you suck hannah off last night?guy: yeah man, 4 times!best friend: you dirty dog!"Now i know that i had a boyfriend at the time and we weren't officially together but i have been so hurt about this. I have confronted him about it and at first he lied and denied that anything happened but when i showed him the conversation i saw he soon admitted that she had seen him outside (just after he kissed me goodbye) and that he invited her back to his house, and they slept together. He is genuinely upset about it, and that it has hurt me he has apologised but i just cant let it go.not only this, but we slept together a week later after i broke up with my boyfriend, and it was in the same bed!So now, whenever i think about our first kiss, im forever picturing them in my head. Also i have sat there for hours listening him talk about how much he dislikes her and how much she hurt him, how horrid their relationship was, all that time knowing that he had slept with her that night.Im so torn about this, i just dont know what to do. Am i over reacting? should i let this go? and if i do, how do i stop picturing these images of him having sex with her in my head?please help, this is killing me!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): People kiss all the time without it going anywhere. He may have had similar experiences in the past where he got all excited, only to have the woman change her mind and go back to her boyfriend.
Unless you have had "the talk", you can't assume you are in an exclusive relationship, even after you've had sex with someone. Other people do not necessarily have the same "rules" and expectations in relationships.
I found out recently that my wife had still been banging her ex boyfriend and telling him she loved him the first 2-3 months we went out (8 years ago). I wasn't exactly thrilled to know that what I thought of the relationship at the time was based on a misconception on my part, but she never told me she'd broken up with him, and we had not agreed to be exclusive.
Real world relationships are not black and white, love or hate situations. People can be attracted to quite a few people of the opposite sex at the same time. It doesn't mean the person is dishonest, etc. unless they act on it contrary to an express agreement not to be with other people. Over the long haul what happened when you met him is a tiny blip on the radar screen
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone, thanks for all your feedback.I have forgiven him, after what you all said i understand that it was a slight over reaction. Just for the record, i do know that cheating was not acceptable at all, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. So i am taking full responsibility of that. It just seemed a little insensitive of him to sleep with her. he knew that i had stopped sleeping with my boyfriend, and i dont agree with the first comment, that my actions were more out of line, yes towards my boyfriend, they were out of line, but not towards "guy". I did everything i could to reassure him of the events to come of me and my boyfriend, and from what i understood from him he was fully aware of that. Anyway, thank you all so much, and dont worry, i've been tested since we started sleeping together and ive got the all clear there, so theres nothing to worry about on that front! haha. Thanks x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I know you feel betrayed here, because you felt there was something strong between you and him, so you held off on doing anything physical with your 'at the time boyfriend', while he chose to pursue his ex-girlfriend for a last romp before becoming official with you. As others have said, you weren't exclusive at that point, so anything he does is considered "in the past", so you can't really be mad or upset about it. The only thing that would really concern me (if I were you) was that he lied to you about it before he knew that he was "caught" with it. Just something to keep in mind. Also, get tested too!
Best of luck!~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I can't for the life of me figure out what part of a woman's body you would "suck off...4 times". Also a sore throat is a bit of an odd one too, unless she has a penis and he deep-throated 4 times he may have contracted an STD from her.
http://www.medicinenet.com/oral_gonorrhea_symptoms/views.htm
You might want to get tested.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): "guy: woke up with a sore throat and a stiff tongue this morning man.
best friend: hahaa i bet, did you suck hannah off last night?
guy: yeah man, 4 times!
best friend: you dirty dog!"
Haha, exaggerate much?
Quick question OP, what did you expect from a guy who knowingly cheated with you on your boyfriend? Did you think somehow he was going to give more of a crap about you? A girl who is cheating on her boyfriend?
It is polite to only be with one person at a time but you were officially still in a relationship when you kissed him so he technically could do anything he wanted to her and you have no real moral standpoint on which to argue.
Try and let it go OP, this entire relationship started with the two of you acting without regard for other people.
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A
male
reader, Alfredo1400  +, writes (17 April 2012):
Yea your deffinately over reacting. You guys weren't in a committed relationship, so you can't get mad at him for that. You never know what was going through his head. He might have thought that you and your boyfriend were having sex. Either way I think you should let it go because If he lets you go through his facebook I dont think he has anything to hide and you have a good relationship. Dont mess it up over petty stuff.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Yes I think you are over-reacting. This is what I see your post.1. You were still in a relationship and kissed this guy, so you were cheating on your then boyfriend.2. You are making excuses for why you felt justified in cheating. Fact is you hadn't broken up at that point, so it is cheating.3. Your upset that he went and slep with his ex, when there was no reason for him to think that wouldn't be acceptable due to your own actions by kissing him when you had a boyfriend.4. Your now basically accusing him of cheating on you by being with his ex, when you weren't even a couple.You are being unreasonable and showing double standards. Let this go and realise that you both did the wrong thing in the beginning of this. As for how to stop picturing them together, try to concentrate on other events, such as your first kiss after becoming an official couple. Also stop making excuses for your actions in the beginning and start taking responsibility for it. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, I am simply trying to highlight the points, and put it in a different viewpoint. We all make mistakes, and you both made mistakes in the beginning, don't let it ruin what you have. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): You weren't together AND you had a boyfriend, so you kissing this guy was technically cheating. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but you're being irrational about this. Your actions were even more out of line than his.
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