A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:do you think my bf of 10 months is being reasonable with this ultimatum? he says our relationship will be over if i go for a walk to clear my head ever again, which sounds crazy to me! sometimes, if i'm upset, annoyed or stressed about something, i like to go for a walk to think it over before talking to my bf about whatever the issue is. i've always done it, and find it helps me think through things and feel happier. but my bf says i should be able to talk to him instead. sometimes i go for a walk for exercise or 'cos i'm bored. whatever the reason, i tell him he can come if he likes and sometimes he does. i think his ultimatum is unfair-sometimes we all need our own space, right? i've tried explaining that to him but get nowhere. he's not controlling or possessive in any other way, and our relationship is otherwise great:) what should i do? thanks :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 To be honest? It depends on when it is you take your walks, but here's the thing. I can't stand it if people walk out in the middle of a fight. It's unacceptable. It's annoying. It's belittling, offensive, and walking away doesn't solve the problem. You get to clear your head, great, but problem is still there. And you just offended your boyfriend with walking off as well, so you can add that to the original issue.Now again, there's another side to the story, and it all depends on context. It's ok to leave if, and ONLY IF, the debate is too heated and you aren't staying calm and civilized. And only when you TELL HIM and COMMUNICATE that you will leave for this or that reason, and he needs to accept this. That's when it's ok to walk out of an argument. And the last thing: you need to return within a short period of time to finish it. No walking off and not talking for days. Or hours. I say 30 minutes top is what you need to cool off and think, and then go back and finish the debate. It is incredibly hurtful to be in the middle of a debate and have the person just up and leave without warning. It sucks. Respect your partner and don't do it unless you have a good reason for it and you have agreed on it to be ok to cool down. Otherwise you are the one with the ultimatums: "Either you never argue with me or I will walk away and ignore you". If you can't handle arguments then this is something you need to work on. Work on remaining calm in an argument and be able to think even when not alone, and when in the middle of things and under pressure. There won't always be times when you can run and hide when things get tough. What if the boss at work corners you and demands answers, will you walk away then too? No. You can't. So work on handling difficult situations without retreating. PS. all within context of course, if your man is verbally abusive or threatening or hysterical it would be good to calm down and take the argument another day/ leave the man altogether.
|
