A
female
age
36-40,
*retty_low
writes:hello everybody, my problem is pretty basic, my BF still talks to his ex girlfriend. This, of course, provokes a number of feelings in my heart and this point i need some advice to understand and feel better. First of all, let me tell you i have a long distance relationship which lasted for years. We both live in Europe, but in different states and do not share the linguistic or cultural background. We try to see each other every six weeks at most, but so many things always happens in the mean time, that sometimes it just makes me wonder how we could connect and understand so deeply every time we met. Mostly we are more than happy, and feel blessed to have such a strong feeling of love in our lives. Maybe i should also tell you that we were about to get married 2 years ago (i was supposed to move to his country and all) but at the given moment he started to sleep with this girl behind my back. He left me about a month after the affair started. This break up came out of a clear blue sky to me and left me almost ruined. I had to reinvent my life ones again. After a year and a half of silence (he stayed in a relationship with this girl, but "always feeling guilty and journing for me", as he said), one night he just sent me a text that he is in a train to my country and that we need to talk. At that point i was in a relationship with a new man, but far from happy, so i decided that i must see him. he was/is, in deed, a love of my life. During the meeting i rejected his offer to start again, and he went from me in tears, after two days of laughter and hangouts (no sex or anything). That phase lasted only a month, he came back ones again and won my heart almost without a battle. Now we are again thinking of marring, after spending six months in our new/old relationship. Everything was more or less fine, except he is meeting the ex GF more and more (and i know that she did not get over that because ones she confronted us ones) and i do not understand his urge. I stopped talking to him yesterday because he just refuses to take my feelings into account. Common, she is there and i'm here!!Dear friends, i don't know how to read their meetings! I just don't know what to do, or how to explain him how his behavior can't really help me to trust him (always, more, again). Why is he so stubborn? Why does he need the attention from this girl if he looks at himself as a better man after we are back together?? How can he ignore my pain? And doesn't she have any dignity??am i a fool?
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affair, ex girlfriend, his ex, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): I would say you need to rein in your feelings for him and take it down a notch. Try making your relationship ONLY casual and non-exclusive so you are both allowed to see other people. Don't invest completely in him. Then from this safe vantage point, observe him over a period of time to see if he has changed and now knows more of what he wants. Or, does he continue to waffle and change his mind back and forth? If he doesn't show stability over a long term and consistently, then don't get back into a full relationship with him.
A
female
reader, pretty_low +, writes (14 November 2012):
pretty_low is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Yes for lack of a better description you are being made into a fool. This boy is very mixed up. He seems perpetually hung up on the 'grass is greener' or something quite similiar. Nonetheless, he cannot be trusted. He seems to really enjoy juggling another woman behind the back of yet another woman. I suspect he was actually sneaking around with you behind her back, he just told you they had broken up. He can't seem to choose. So you must choose for him. And the next time he calls, don't answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Well really there is no way you will ever know what is really going on, like you said they are there and you are here (where you are) You only have his word to go by.
What I would do in this situation, (knowing that you have no other thing to go on) is get on a train, without his knowing and just turn up for a suprise visit. You will get your answer this way.
I also think that to be thinking of marriage is a little bit crazy (no offence intended here) but you only get to see each other every 6 weeks and you really have no idea what he is really doing during those 6 weeks, you only have what he tells you to go by. I would discuss who ever is planning to move over the other after marriage move over there before you marry, even if you don't live together, but date on a more regular basis. I mean if your (either of you) are going to move after marriage, then it really would be no different to doing before you marry, this way you can be sure about the commitment you are making to each other is the right path, because a marriage is not to entered into lightly it is a life time contract.
Good luck.
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