A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i fell in love with a man that has been seperated since christmas. we been together for a few months. he was working near my hometown. the job finished and he had to move to a diffrent area which is 3 hours drive away. he has met all my family and we are very happy together. he even got a flat in my area for us when he comes home at weekend. the problem is he stands to lose a lot of money regarding his house so im being kept a secret. he says he still loves his wife, but isnt in love with her. they were together for 20 years, the problem is there is nothing happening regarding a divore. he says she is dealing with it as she will not have to pay and theyre going through mediation to settle things. when i ask him how long i have to put my life on hold and be this secret he just says he doesnt know . he says hes in love with me and i believe him, but i feel really low and second best. please help Note from moderator: Please use proper punctuation!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CountessContra  +, writes (3 October 2010):
Kid, it all depends on what you want from this man. If you want him to choose you, be yours alone, cut the wife, or ex-wife out of his life, and never have any other woman than you for the rest of your lives, that's a tall order.
If you start being obsessed with this man, and live only for him - live when he visits, and long and pine when he doesn't, then you don't have the emotional stuff to be someone's mistress and I'd say try and forget about him. But if you can keep it light- have a fulfilled life without him and just think of him as an added bonus every once in a while, then you can be happy with him, albeit according to your mutual schedules.
The whole problem is that the romantic mushy stuff lasts anywhere from three months to 18. Unless you have a real friendship, companionship, and other things in common than just the sex and the "good times", then after that three to 18 months, he'll either go back to his wife or he'll look around for another new relationship that will be all thunder and lightning.
It's not necessary for him to divorce his wife - most likely she'd take him to the cleaners, and you'd basically own him after that - you'd be responsible for him and wouldn't be able to get rid of him. Marriage is not an emotional contract in which people are obligated to love each other forever - it is, however, a legally binding contract between two people who own a lot of stuff together, and that's not something you want anything to do with.
I don't believe having an occasional fling with someone you like is "wasted years" - unless you have high expectations of his dumping wifey and marrying you and having babies and yatta yatta yatta. If that's what you want, then I don't think you're going to get it. But don't ever be the cling-y hope-to-be-wife-number-two... be the disinterested courtesan and do with him what you will. Take a little control. And if he starts acting like he's fallen out of love with you and wants to go back to the ex, then you have to let him. No arguments, no tears - just cest la vie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): Change the statement in my posting to the following:
"I absolutely abhor it--when separated men can't think clearly and begin dating women just to appease their own lonliness. "
Sigh! Bear with me people...now where did those darned eye glasses of mine, go?? lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): Oh my..the pain and misery of dating 'separated' men. I absolutely abhor it,,when separtated can think clearly and begin dating women just to appease their own lonliness. And you are responsible for this too. I have always stated to females, date men who are 'divorced not separated!' He is still unavailable to you. Why? Because he is still married. I know so many women who get caught up in this scenario and they complain so bitterly later, when he always has the 'I have to get a divorce, first' excuse. Even more lamer is the 'I have to protect my assests' excuse. As far as protecting his assets....no matter what, when he divorces her, his ex wife will be entitled by law to one-half of all the assests they accumulated together in this marriage. In your case, he will have an ex-wife in his life and she will not make it easy for him...ever! He'd be better off to face the music now and get it over and done with, so he can commit further to you. But why isn't he doing this after several months? It almost seems as if he's insisting you to wait for him, which of course, you shouldn't do. In effect, you are his second choice, his little secret and that is not fair for you, not to mention-a very insensitive, unloving thing to do,. If he really loved you he would of told his wife along time ago "I'm sorry, I have moved on-I'm divorcing you" and end it, irregardless of the assets. and all the legal, financial crap. My suggestion: Look out for yourself, totally--and tell him you want him to move on the divorce and until then, you are looking after yourself and getting on with making your own happiness. Get out and have fun with friends and other people, or just be determined not to depend on him for that 'loving feeling' anymore. He's basically is still very attached and committed to her and he has a ton of baggage. He can call you when he's divorced and ready to scream it from the rooftops, "this is my woman-I love her!' Untilthen, set a clear boundary.. But you are entitled to truthfulness, clarity and respect. Right now you aren't getting any of that. That might either get him motivated to do something and divorce this ex-wife...or he won't care. It will be then that you will clearly know where you stand with this man. A tough place to be in, but how many more years do you want to waste? It's a chance a risk..are you strong enough-confident enough to do that? It's your choice. Good luck, dear.
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