A
female
age
26-29,
*ophie_of_Spades
writes:Hi everyone,My boyfriend of 8 months at uni recently got diagnosed with epilepsy. When he had these fits I was with him every step of the way in hospital holding his hand and being there for him.His mum came along to take him home and while away he has now decided to move to a uni that is 3 hours away from our current one, as it is closer to his home town.It is not set in stone, but I know that there can be many financial, social and academic complications to transferring universities.I don't know what to do now as if we do decide to carry on, our relationship will be long distance and he can no longer drive for a while.He is coming back to uni before summer for 4 more days and we are going to discuss things, but I am so unbelievably scared that we will break up or he will get someone else or something.Any advice on what I should do?Please help I am so upset and don't know what to do? Any help is appreciated x
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female
reader, Sophie_of_Spades +, writes (25 April 2015):
Sophie_of_Spades is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all of your help! :)
It was so strange because when we spoke on Wednesday he was very intimate with me until he started having seizures so we stopped. Then we had the conversation about breaking up and he just kept on having seizures after that.
I asked him how he was last night and we were messaging each other - he seemed pretty happy as if everything was just fine. He seems happier than me despite what he is going through.
I hope I am not just friend-zoned forever now or forgotten, I'm so scared for the future.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 April 2015):
 I think you just have to let things unfold. I'm sorry he is facing such a medical crisis. It takes things out of your hands and his. You sound like a very caring person and want things to work out. I know you feel helpless and uncertain.
I think he is being realistic. He's done what he can to help you start to move on. Now that you know his condition is worsened by stress, it would probably be a good idea to accept his wishes and not stress him further.
Reach out to your friends and family for support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): He's being noble, and you must also take into account he feels a little embarrassed that you and others should see him going through seizures. Just as Honeypie mentions; it is likely after a few tests they will discover the type of epilepsy he has; and they will find the suitable medication to manage his seizures.
Like most men, he is proud and prefers to isolate himself as he attends to his wounds. Like an injured beast, he will pull away from the pride (like a lion); and find a quiet place to recover. He wants you to be happy, and not spend all your time worried and fussing over him. He wants time to adjust to the news and what he has to do to cope with it. You're offering him too much sympathy, and he can't deal with that. He doesn't want anybody feeling sorry for him. Least of all, tears!
You may want to respect his wishes; because this isn't really about you. You have to be as brave as he is. After-all, he's the one who is facing the diagnosis and suffering the illness.
Having a girlfriend and changing schools is a lot to deal with. Perhaps he feels changing schools will offer him some sense of privacy and anonymity. That young man has a struggle ahead of him; and he doesn't want to have the reputation around school as "the guy who has the seizures." He may feel better in a place where his face is less familiar; and being closer to his family may give him a better sense of security, if anything goes wrong.
I think once he feels he has this epilepsy thing under control, he may have a better perspective on things. Allow him the space he needs to deal with his situation. It's very overwhelming for young people your age. He will also pull away from his family, he wants to deal with this all on his own terms. Let him.
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A
female
reader, Sophie_of_Spades +, writes (23 April 2015):
Sophie_of_Spades is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of the brilliant responses!
I did speak to him yesterday, but every time we tried to have a conversation he kept having seizures as they seem to be triggered by stress. It was not nice to see and it upset me to see him that way, and I now understand how this must be affecting him and how ill he really is.
Apparently his family want him to stay at the same uni, but it was him who had the idea of moving. However he does not seem to have thought it through. He says he has "no idea where he stands with anything."
As for the relationship, he says he has feelings for me. He said he cannot cope with a Relationship at all right now. His exact words were "don't wait for me, because that's not fair on you, but if you do get a better offer - just spare me a thought." Being the stupid girl I was, I cried.
But he said of I'm ready one day and we cross paths again, then maybe we will be able to work this out- but it could be years.
I'm so lost now. Even to the point I will feel bad if I get someone else now. I do still love him more than anything I know - I just don't know where to go from here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Honestly, I'd be more scared that he can't get the medical treatment and support he NEEDS than him going to Uni a different place than you.
Some types of epilepsy can EASILY be controlled and today the medications are so rough as they were in the 60's and 70's. My Dad had epilepsy brought on by a couple of childhood concussions (according to his doctors) and was given some SERIOUS meds when I was a kid. I remember my mom telling me it affected his, mood, sleep, appetite.
It IS a scary diagnosis - not only for HIM, but for his family. (and for you) THERE is nothing you CAN do. HE has to DECIDE what is RIGHT for him. HIS family might want him close in case he has SERIOUS seizures. And if that is what his FAMILY and HE wants, it is what HE should be doing.
I think you care, but THIS isn't about you. IT's about him and a scary illness. Things have changed drastically.
The ONLY thing you really CAN do is understand that HE might NEED more support than you can give. Doesn't mean you two can't find a way to make it work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): It might be a little premature, so don't be upset. Things have changed drastically for him. You may not want to refer to his seizures as "fits." I know it's all new for both of you. You'll adapt to your new situation, if it is all meant to be. Such is life.
The threat of a breakup or finding someone else is always there; even if he stayed right where he is. You have to cross that bridge when you get to it. Try to deal with the situation as it is. If it becomes too difficult; you have to be mature and deal with it like an adult. Don't give-up on what you have, unless you have to.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2015):
I think you need to take a deep breath, relax and let things unfold. You are worrying about things that haven't happened yet, creating anxiety where there is no need.
Your boyfriend's life is changing and he'll need time to cope with these massive changes. Continue to support him as you have been.
He's just been diagnosed with epilepsy and you are scared about things he's probably not even thinking about.
Relax, breathe, let things unfold. Continue to be supportive. And don't borrow worry by making up narratives in your mind about the awful things that could happen... that's just your mind playing games with you.
Remember that your boyfriend's world has been completely altered. His future will be affected by this diagnosis. Make this about him, not about your fears, okay? I know, it's hard, you love him a lot and want to keep things the way they are. Alas, life has done its typical thing and thrown in a bump...
Relax, breathe, let things unfold.
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