A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone xxRight,so my boyfriend of a year has been going through a very rough patch and i helped him find a new place to stay and i tried to support him in every way i could...Before the wekeend, he wanted to see me but i couldn't due to having to help a very sick family member. I said we could do something the following day, but then he decides to disappear on what i think is a booze/drug bender for the whole weekend! Didn't know where he was and neither did his best friend who used to live with him until recently.Then, a few days later, he phones and starts arguing with me when i offer to help him. he gets so mad he says i should just be single again.I was shocked! I asked him why he's so mad with me and he didn't answer. He said he'd call back, but he didn't. I know this is probably bad to do, but i keep wondering what i could have done to make him so mad. Just 'cause i wasn't available to see him, it doesn't mean i was abandoning him. I fear that's how he sees it. I don't want to hurt him. Recently he also asked if i was cheating on him, which was crazy because i AM NOT. however, he wouldn't tell me reasons why he assumed that either. I really care about him. It's hard to tell someone how much you care when they're screaming at you on the line... All opinions welcome.Tx for reading =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): You happened to mention alcohol and drug use. You also used the word "bender," which explains a lot.
Your boyfriend has a drug and drinking problem, and he accused you of cheating out of paranoia. Please don't take fault and trivialize this down to having an abandonment issue. He is a drunken drug-using assh*le who is bullying you; and you're treating him like a pitiful child. He is a full grown man and he has gone over the edge.
Never allow any man to scream and yell at you on the phone, or under any circumstances. That is aggression and intimidation. The fact he drinks and may mix drugs with alcohol makes him potentially dangerous. I can tell you've been putting up with this, and attributing it all to a "rough patch." NO!!!...that isn't the issue! He has a problem with abusing drugs and alcohol, and he is being abusive to you. The worse part of this is, you're allowing him to. Dismissing it like he caught a cold, or it's just a teenage phase. This is the beginning of something that only gets worse. Or, already has! You wrote DC, that's proof!
Love has nothing to do with this anymore. The only one feeling love is you. He has a problem, and you need to walkaway and let him deal with his "rough patch" by himself.
You may be no angel, so you devalue yourself down to being his whipping-post? His problems don't excuse his behavior. Don't believe me? Ask your parents, siblings, and friends. You bypassed them, because you know what they will tell you. DUMP THAT SONOFABITCH! You can do better.
You and so many other women, have to learn that you don't stay with men who take out their issues on you, falsely accuse you of things, and raise their voices at you. Then keep him around to reward him with love and forgiveness; while watching him decline into alcoholism or drug-addiction, as his treatment of you gets progressively worse.
That is needing to have a man way too much, my dear. That is being in denial. Allowing someone to show you blatant disrespect; and to top it off, he turns to overuse of substances and alcohol to deal with his problems.
You want advice how to to tell someone how much you care for him while screaming at you?
Why??? He's screaming at you!!! He doesn't want to hear it, he wants you to shut-up and listen!!! His brain is mush and is heart is a stone. He is a paranoid fool! Accusing you of cheating. Based on what evidence?
The guy doesn't want to hear anything you have to say in defense of yourself; and you're being foolish for trying to smother his abuse with love. Love is not some magical dust the turns bullsh*t into a pot of gold, and assholes into Prince Charming. I'm being tough, because I've had to save a few women dear to me from men like him. I could have been killed, answering calls from women who are friends; but have alienated everyone else because he was everything to them.
When you ignore abusive-behavior from a partner or loved-one, you are in denial and desperate. You are afraid of taking steps to end a situation that is harmful to your emotional well-being and possibly your safety. You are too dependent on having a man in your life, to the degree you will absorb mistreatment to keep him. You will not see any changes for the better; because alcohol and drugs will not allow it to happen. Want to help him? Recommend a good rehab facility!
You and he are in denial he has a drug and alcohol-abuse problem.
It is humane to be concerned for his troubles and whatever he is going through. Your comfort and support doesn't mean sh*t to him. You're doing all the work, making all the effort, and he screams in your face as your reward.
Dump him now. Women in these abusive situations become so abused they develop Stockholm Syndrome, and start protecting their abusers. They will ignore the advice of family, friends, and the police; until they're nothing but a black and blue bloody disfigured version of a person.
Still clinging to love as an excuse for dependency on a piece of sh*t and poor excuse of a man.
He has changed. It is due to his drinking. Normal healthy good men do not binge-drink and do drugs; because their girlfriends go home to take care of their sick family members. His aggressive overreaction is a way to manipulate and control you. To isolate you from the loving-people who will (or have) been advising you to getaway from him. He is afraid of outside influences wising you up. Breaking his hold and bringing you back to reality. You even have your family members falling sick to save you from him! Odd, they needed you in particular, isn't it?
Time to breakup. No getting around it. Love is not going to change him. Keep trying. You'll be returning to DC again and again, trying to find an alternative to the final solution. There won't be one.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 It's not you. And NOTHING you did.
We had another poster ask a VERY similar question the day before yesterday, and I'm going to give you the same answer.
1. He cheated on you, and in order to keep you in the DEFENSIVE and not pay attention to HIS actions, he is accusing you. Or he is trying to keep a lid on that drug/drink bender which might have gone a little, or a lot, out of hand - by accusing YOU, you are not focussed on what HE did but busy defending yourself. Pretty simple manipulation trick.
2. He is wanting to end things. It's easier to walk away from a cheater then someone who have given their all.
3. He is wallowing in his own misery and wants you down in the gutter too. He wants you to feel like crap too, basically. So, how does he do that? By accusing you of something nasty, like cheating.
The thing is he CAN NOT tell you the reason why he is accusing you. Where he got the idea from, or the so called "proof". Because it's FICTIONAL and it's a ruse. And look at you!! JUMPING through hoops trying to show him that you in fact did NOT cheat! See what I mean?
My advice, tell him if he can't trust you to be faithful the relationship HAS no future. Because without the trust, there is no foundation.
Think on this, and decide for yourself if you want to BE with a guy who either DOESN'T trust you at all or who treats you this way. Either way, it doesn't look good.
Another advice I want to give you, is ... If your BF calls you then starts to yell and scream END the conversation. Tell him, you will talk when he can act like a grown person and talk like a decent person to you. DO NOT sit and take verbal abuse or verbal diarrhea over the phone.
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