A
female
age
30-35,
*luffyPie
writes:Hello, I need a suggestion... So I have my ordinary/daily/every-day problem with my quiet boyfriend. Lately, though, he is trying hard to "contribute", so I interpret it as a sign of "I really want to make this relationship work, but I don't know what to say/do". I find this thing really cute, apparently he accepts to "play" by my rules. We've been together for 11 months now.NOW: The last few days, whenever I try to get him into a serious conversation, he claims he's having headaches and can't bare the heat (it's very hot inside the house). I made a joke, telling him he's acting like a girl when she's on period, but he didn't find it amusing. I wouldn't find it amusing either if I were pissed off and with no mood to try to resolve ANY conflict, but I was trying to cool down the atmosphere. Seeing him "so serious", I told him to get a pill. He said he hates pills etc. I know I don't fail at approaching certain subjects with him. I also don't want to believe that I'm reading too much into it, I know exactly when he's lying or trying to get rid of my "woman mouth". I feel extremely frustrated due to the way he's acting. He has a superiority complex, he criticize a lot, even if he is passive and extremely lazy - he won't even bother to get a better job, at his age (25), he still works for few money just because he's too lazy to sustain interviews. I asked him "Is this what you want to do for your entire life? Are you OK with this?". All he could say was "oh well...". It's true that his parents are loaded (but kind of cheap), but if we're getting married (someday in the future), he won't be able to act like a responsible person. I don't want to be a gold digger, I don't want to depend of our parents. I'm telling you, I feel insecure because of this. I know he loves me in his way, I'm his first relationship ever, so his behavior is somewhat justifying, but I don't know... It's easy to say "Dump him", but I got really attached to him and I want to make things better for us, but he is always waiting for me to make a move. I don't know... People around me say "dump him, you'll find a better person, focus on the important matters in life" an so on. There are plenty of men, I hate break-ups, I hate feeling depressed a few weeks because I got myself into this...Please, aunties.. help me make a decision! Thank you
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female
reader, Ask and you shall receive..(well,ill try my best) +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I can only imagine what you're going through, but like you said if u think he's not gonna change and that you've warned him and tried everything to get through to him... and i can sense you've reached your limit! and i understand you must really love this man if you're still around and still want to help him. My bf used to be v similar, he was always out til 5am and then sleeps in til 4pm in the next day!he got fired from his job and he turned into a completely diff person and all my hopes for the future were going down the drain right in front of me- n i couldn't do nething to stop it. So i understand how u must be feeling; but the only thing that got through to his head is the constant badgering from his father-who he looks up to- his friends who were all moving up in the world- and eventually he had nothing-no money-no job-and he got depressed!i told him calmly ill help him find a job and i sent his CV's over to diff places where they need employees; he didnt like the idea;(but i sent them behind his back, for his own well being) And wen he started receiving their replies that other places wanted to see him again its like he found hope!and he woke up from being a lazy zombie!and slowly got into a normal sleeping routine and started a new job. Maybe if he knew he has other options, even if hes not interested.I hope everything works out for you- i really do! but remember you have a limit of how much you can take!and how much you can put up with. If he still doesn't eventually appreciate all that you're trying to do to help.... then that isn't a good sign for you.
A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (4 August 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Odds, he is the one who wanted badly to live together, so he convinced me, even if my family didn't agree at the beginning. Also, I'm not pushing him, I've just told him once that would be nice for him to find a well-paid job. He won't even accept any help, because it requires "a lot of stress" and he is pretty comfortable the way he is right now. He also wants to marry me, I'm not ready for this kind of commitment, he wants kids and everything related to married-life. We want to live in a perfect world, but there are so many issues we cannot surpass, elementary behavior stuff, like communication. Sometimes he gets mad and he won't tell me what's wrong. He yells "leave me alone" and I get frustrated. So how can we talk about financial future or a perfect family, when he isn't able to adapt to someone else?
Since the beginnings, I told him that I want to have a transparent relationship, where we can be able to communicate, not just yell and bring in front stupid things like "I'm not feeling very well", "I'm not in the mood" etc. In that case, I get scared when I think about what marriage with him would be like. I told him that I hope this communication issue will improve day by day, and, if necessary, we'll take it "baby-steps". All he could come up with was "I hope that too".
Yes, maybe I expect too much from a man who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW how to express himself, he doesn't even know if he loves me, even if he told me a few times.
@Ask and you shall receive..(well,ill try my best) - I told him that if he's not willing to BOTHER to try to improve his behavior towards me (and towards himself), I'll absolutely leave him. I was damn serious the day when I told him so. He said "I'll TRY".
When someone says they'll try, most likely they WON'T.
And yes, this is why people suffer so much, they get involved in unhealthy relationships, I'm too selfish for wanting him to change in order to make me happy, but he is too selfish and blind to see that NO OTHER GIRL would stay with him for so long. I'm absolutely positive other people would react immediately after seeing what they got.
I'm not sad, I'm just indignant. Instead talking about my private issues WITH HIM, I sit here asking for help online. I feel ashamed, but I just don't know what to do. I comfort myself with the idea that I'm not the only one in this situation.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Maybe he doesn't see the point. Today's world is putting the lie to the standard "school-work-marry-work-die" formula of life.
It's also possible that he's considering whether or not he wants to take your relationship more seriously. It sounds as though he's already moved in with you; as a guy, he may be interpreting your push for him to work harder as a prelude to asking for a proposal. This is (rightfully) scary to a man, for reasons I've expounded on more than anyone cares to hear.
This isn't guaranteed to work, but the best thing you can do is be a woman worth working his ass off for. Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets sort of thing. Stop pushing him and start supporting him.
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A
female
reader, Ask and you shall receive..(well,ill try my best) +, writes (3 August 2010):
i don't believe you should dump him. If he means a lot to you then don't take the easy way out. Every girls likes a guy they can fix and a project in a man. And nobody's perfect.
I think you have to find a way to get through to his head.
Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else; his friend/best friend (not yours-cos he'll most likely get insulted by it). Maybe even his parents, if you try to tell them how you feel-they should understand the importance of having money and saving money-especially if it concerns their son.
You could even try watching a movie that is about a guy like him! Maybe something would strike and he'd realize that something needs to change.
If you try everything and can't seem to get through to him in any way, threaten him that you'll leave him; if after that something might click and does change for you(it would most likely be "baby steps")- That's fantastic!
But if still nothing changes even with your threats, then I'm sorry to say he's not worth all the hassle you're putting yourself through.
Good luck, i hope it works for you! :)
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