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female
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anonymous
writes: Ive just started seeing a guy, hes in his early 30s and has never had sex before. I guess I want to know, when we have sex for the first time, should I take charge? Or would that make him feel foolish (Im 22)? Should I be the one to initiate it or should I wait till he says hes ready? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, evol  +, writes (22 September 2010):
yes, you should take charge, relieve him of his agony, bring a smile on his face.
As for me, me and my fiancee, both are virgins, soon to get married and have sex
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male
reader, evol +, writes (22 September 2010):
I strongly believe that if you are a virgin, do tell your partner, because it is a very special occasion for you, and you want to feel - that your partner feels it is special for you.
It wont be a usual affair for your partner. No matter how old are you, tell your partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): i would myself take the lead as itl put him at ease ... so long as you let him do as he pleases so that he isnt at all embarrased at any time
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): It's nice to see I found this question and glad to hear I'm not the only one out there, me being a 36 yr old guy. My biggest question is when do I, or do you tell the girl you are a virgin. I know in my head what should be the answer "to be honest and tell her" but this is more scary then you would think. Well hearing from the other readers responces, I haven't heard anything bad from telling LOL so this has definetly helped me out! Well I'll try to post back to this since I'm recently seeing someone that could be the one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): It was awesome reading these posts. My b/f too WAS a virgin...He is 23 and I am 24, I have had my share of experiences throughout the past, and I do feel very confident with him, as from what I remember when we first did it he was nervous and didn't know at all what he was doing. He does have what I like, the whole package you may call it, and our love was much more stronger than anything. Little by little it just got better, and he is open to try anything so I love that. As for all the guys I have read on here that are still virgins I commend you. I know the way society is but take it from someone that I think has her own way of thinking like a guy sometimes...LOL...I have always loved virgins and it actually like turns me on. I love the fact of my guy being mine and only mine, and love learning things together. Again, don't ever let anyone make u feel any less of yourself when in reality your worth more than anything!!!! When it's right you will know, and whether its shyness, religion, or whatever it may be when it's right it will happen, and I hope it will be great!!!! =)
Andrea
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): I'm 25 (female) and I recently started seeing a 37 y.o. man who turned out to be a virgin. I think the reason behind it was that he's been painfully shy for most of his life. He's a very caring guy and he enjoys intimacy tremendously. It was a little weird though, mostly because of social perceptions that we all have to lose our virginity at 16 (like I did) or there's something profoundly wrong with us. Unfortunately these social perceptions have influenced me as well, because I feel weird sometimes to be with a 37 year old virgin. I haven't told any of my friends about the fact that he was a virgin. I just wish more people would talk about it and more people would be open about their virginity. I really wish someone would do a research and find out how many virgins there are out there and in what age groups. Anyway, getting off topic. I did take charge when we had sex for the first time and for the first few times. He loves sex now and he turned out to be a great lover because he spends a lot of time touching me instead of getting down to the case immediately like most guys, and he enjoys foreplay himself and even says that he needs it. So I hope you had a good experience - there might be an unexpected prize for you in the end of the tunnel. But as I said - I wish people were more open about stuff like that.
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male
reader, Jout  +, writes (30 August 2008):
In reply to boys who remember they're first time... i'm 26 and it was a few years ago but i remember that the most important thing was the feeling she gave me that whatever i do it'll be ok. she didn't know i was a virgin so it's a little different but the fact that i felt so comfortable is what made it good. I had bad experinces before and so i was scared and wasn't sure if i'd be able to go through with it. she did take some charge but women usually do a little bit, unless they're uncomfortable. it really wasn't the point. he needs to know, and you should say it, that no matter what happens he won't "fail" with you. letting these insecurities go. is what makes the sex a pleasure. he's probab;y scared as if he needs to prove something, take that away so he knows you're on his side and this is not a competition.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I'm 17, i know what your thinking, but im not a child, and i'm not a virgin neither. But my boyfriend is. We mess around but we don't have sex and when we came close to it he would freak out about the condom breaking or something so we would just give up trying so pretty much we don't even try to have sex anymore because he is always afraid to. I love him more than anything on the whole earth but it sometimes makes me feel unwanted and i don't know why it frustrates me. But i never say anything about it to anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I am in the same situation. I'm not sure either. I had sex at 15 and have had 3 partners. He's fingered me and was really freaked out that he didn't please me. (I couldn't tell he hadn't done that before, but he doesn't believe it) I think I am going to have to take charge. It really depends on the guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I am in a very similar situation. I am 29, my boyfriend is 24. He is abstaining for religious reasons but will do everything but penetration.Still not a sinner??go figure). I too have dated inexperienced men in the past and the common thread is their shyness and my aggression. The best thing is to maintain balance and go at his pace. If he wants to have sex go very slow and nuture his emotions first. If he wants to wait until he is married, do not place any pressure on the realtionship and enjoy it for what it is. This is not an easy process especially as some people are more sexual than others. I love intimacy and miss being able to express that with my lover. He on the ohter hand regards intimacy as very taboo. These unions usually don't last long so enjoy the ride!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Hi! I want to know what happened since!
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reader, curzon07  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 i am a virgin male myself in mid-20s. my reason is religious rather than anything else. obviously my would not be based on experience but i guess he would want to know when he is doing ok. some encouragement, guidance.
another issue, what might be the reason of his virginity? i mean if he is a normal, healthy guy like me, and abstained from intercourse then i cannot think anything to be afraid of. but what if there is a dramatic reason for this? after all, talking from bitter experience, protecting chastity is not easy at all, even with an extremely strong motivation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): i am in the same situation as you. i really like my boyfriend and know that he fells the same way, he is a virgin and im not. he is 22 and im 24. we did some foreplay and even a bit more before i realized that he wasn't very confident. it already happened to me before that the first time the guy i was with felt a bit scared but this time was different. he admited to me last week that he was a virgin and new with all that stuff. he said he just didn't have need before. I don't know what to do, he is very shy about this. i told him to take his time and that im ready to wait. that it might not work the first time and that he shouldn't feel bad about it, it is normal and he will learn. But now i'm scared. i don't want him to have a bad experience and i don't know how to teach that kind of thing. i don't think he is ready yet so i'm giving him all the time and space he needs but how will i know he is ready.How will i know how to explain all that.I need help... please guys you've been there...how did you learn? i don't really feel like telling him to watch a porn but is there any way i can give him some hints without making him feel unconfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Sorry, I've just seen this question. Maybe its a bit late but I wanted to answer because it resonates so strongly for me at the moment - and as I'm approaching it from the opposite perspective I might be of some help to you.
Essentially I'm in the same position as your boyfriend. I'm 38 and I'm still a virgin. I know that many people will mark me down as some kind of sad weirdo because of that but from my perspective its an easy situation to be in. I'm very shy, not at all predatory (I'd be mortified if I ever thought that I'd inadvertently offended a woman) and i don't drink so I never have any Dutch courage - my dating is done sober! While I have certainly had a couple of opportunities to have sex it just didn't feel right at the time. Sure, I was scared, but more importantly I didn't feel strongly enough for the women concerned.
Anyway, I've now met a woman that I absolutely adore and, although we are not quite at this stage yet, I think I do want to make love to her. And that means facing up to the fact that I won't have a clue what I'm meant to do, while she's an experienced woman of the world. Virtually everything that Frank Kermit writes is true. I know - I'm there now! Your boyfriend will be feeling a bit of an idiot. He will be worrying not only that he will make a fool of himself (what to do, when, how etc etc) but also that he won't be able to satisfy you properly. Certainly I want to have sex with my girlfriend in large part not for me but to pleasure her - and I fear that I won't be able to give her what she wants which will make me feel an absolute failure.
I'd suggest (because this is how I want things to turn out for myself) that you take the lead. Yes, he will feel foolish, but its better than the alternative of him having to take charge. It'll be much easier for him to follow than feel under pressure to take the traditional male role in initiating proceedings. Do it gently, keep it simple, check with him at every stage that he's still comfortable, guide him, tell him what you like, show him how you want it done. Of course he won't know what he wants himself so experiment, let him discover his own body as well as yours. Most importantly reassure him that he's doing fine and that your enjoying the experience too. It would be very humiliating for him if he thought that you were just humouring him, going through the motions without getting anything from it yourself. Be aware (as you seem to be in posing the question)that there's a lot more pressure on him in his 30's than there would be if he was 16. Also, stop the moment he feels uncomfortable. There's always next time if he's not quite ready yet. Try not to make a big deal of it all for him.
I really hope that things go well (or have already gone well!) for you. He's a lucky man to have a girlfriend think about the position he's in and take it seriously. And do feel free to tell him about me if you think it'll make him feel better. Its so easy to think that your the only one in that position, and feel a complete freak. I certainly feel a little better now for knowing that there's someone else out there like me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Hi this is from the girl that asked the question.
Thank you to the others that have already answered. I would also like some advice from some guys that remember losing there virginity...what would have made the experiance better for you? Would you of felt dominated if the girl had taken over?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Hi Anon,
I have counseled many men, who like your boyfriend, are adult aged male virgins. I give a seminar for them and you can read the reviews at http://www.franktalks.com/frankreviewsvirgin.html
You will most likely need to take charge for the first few times, until he feels more sure of himself. This also means that you will need to REASSURE him that you are not laughing at him. He needs to know that you want it, and can move at his pace. He knows that he will be bad at sex the first time, so you need to show him what works for you to bring you to orgasm.
Now for the emotional questions...this depends on WHY he is still a virgin at 30. Is it because he is struggling with religious guilt? Is it because he was sexually abused as a child, and has issues with sex? Is it because he is just too painfully shy and afraid to hurt women during sex?
Adult virgins have an issue that they regularly face. It is that their virginity has become part of his identity. When he finally has sex, he must change his identity, and that could be painful and scary. He may even hve illogical resentment towards you afterwards, and have no understanding why. At 30 he is defined in his identity, and may not anticipate such a change. He may experience a panic attack afterwards, or a few days later.
-Frank B Kermit
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Be very gentle and considerate. Take charge but tell him what you are doing and make sure he is comfortable with it.
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female
reader, miss nancy +, writes (6 November 2006):
 Dear writter,
Have you asked your boyfriend if he is ready? Sex is a 'two player game' and if one isn't ready to 'play the game' it will get messed up and won't work out, you both must be ready, ask him if he wants to try, but don't rush it! Good luck.
Miss Nancy
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female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 I can't say i've been faced with a problem as extreme as this... but i have been with 2 virgins before. I pretty much took charge, but women are in charge in the bedroom anyway! We decide where, when and what! So i guess this shouldn't be any different. However, I would pay attention to him, he's probably going to be incredibly nervous considering he's waited about 15 years for this. So guide him gently, don't boss him around like a drill sargeant, and don't expect too much the first few times, because well thats a lot of pent up energy waiting to explode. Good luck, and update when the deed is over I'm curious if his reaction will be similar to "The 40 Year Old Virgin".
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): Im not a virgin by the way....
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