A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, do you think I am right to be annoyed with my bf - we had a miscarriage last week. He told his mother and best friend (and told me he'd told them). I didn't want to tell anyone about it, but was fine with him telling people as long as he let me know who he had told. He said that was fine. Then I got a text from his sister saying sorry for my loss...turns out he had told her and not told me. Then today at work, a mutual friend came up to me (in front of other colleagues) and said sorry for our loss - it really upset me, as it hurts when I think about the miscarriage. I want to know who he has told so that, when I see them, I will be forewarned that they know and prepared for them possibly saying something that might upset me, so I am annoyed that my boyfriend didn't let me know that he had told this mutual friend. I haven't said anything to him about this yet. As for me, I have only told my best friend, and told me bf before I spoke to her. Is it unreasonable of me to be a little annoyed with him about him telling people about our miscarriage and not letting me know who he has told?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): You have every right to be annoyed, but i think this is his way of dealing with it. Maybe he realized he told too many people and felt guilty so he didn't tell you. And also people gossip, so its possible his mother told his sister or he let it slip to one friend at work and now everyone knows. Just talk to him and move past this together. Btw I'm sorry for your loss. My mother had a miscarriage amongst other fertility problems, but if she hadn't lost the baby, she wouldn't have had my sister. Its sad to lose that baby and she still loves it very much, but its hard to be sad when the doctors telling you that your pregnant again. And that when the baby does come, its healthy. Best wishes
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 My Condolences,
You need to talk to him about how this makes you feel.
Physically, your body is going thru a rough time with the drop in hormones.
Mentally, you are probably preoccupied with so many thoughts regarding the loss.
Emotionally, you are probably reeling from the hormonal drop and processing your feelings.
All of this can make someone feel vulnerable and shaky. You are then having to deal with every ELSES feelings, when you have not had a chance to really work through your OWN.
This was very inconsiderate of your bf. It is his loss too, and he is entitled to process it his own way, but by telling anyone without much discretion, it can make you feel really exposed and everything hurt more.
You need to go over with him who IS and IS'nt on a "need to know" basis with private and sensitive information in the future. He can not do anything now, but apologize.
Be proactive with what you expect, not reactive.
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